My Experience with a Female Narc

Needless to say, I never in a million years thought I would end up on a site like this. The term NPD was never something I had ever heard of until a few months ago. Maybe it's society's expectation of men, pride, ego, or a combination of all of the above but I am so angry with myself, embarrassed, and humiliated with myself it's ridiculous. No one I know seems to understand what I'm dealing with. After a few weeks of research I decided to post here as a means of healing and support. Here is my story:

In the summer of 2010 I met who I believed was my perfect match. My 10 year marriage had ended 3 yrs prior and I purposely took my time to heal and work through my part of my failed marriage. It was a long and difficult journey examining my life, my shortcomings, and my core beliefs to get to a place where I truly felt ready to love someone. I read everything I could about love, went through extensive therapy, and belonged to several church groups. In the end what I desired to be was someone who aspired to love the way God had instructed in 1 Corinthians 13, we all know it "love is patient, love is kind" and so on.

When I met her she presented herself as everything I ever wanted. She told me she was divorced after an 18 year marriage to a much older man. It was his 2nd marriage and they had two children together who were teenagers. She was on the board of several local charities and talked about how important having a sense of community was. I admired her spirit, her loyalty, her commitment to her children and how kind she appeared to be.

Like many of the stories I've read it wasn't long before I noticed some inconsistencies. She in fact was not yet divorced but rather going through a very acrimonious property settlement with her estranged husband. She told she was 46 when in fact she was 49. She told me she was divorcing him, when in fact he had moved out and filed for divorce a year prior. All huge red flags for me but I chose to stay the course, believing part of love means believing the best in people.

We talked for hours about doing things the right way this time. About communication to each other our hopes, fears, insecurities, and triumphs. I was completely hooked. We dated for a few months before having the talk about being exclusive. I had no desire to date anyone but her and she concurred even though her divorce was not yet final. Things for the next 7 or 9 months were absolutely lovely or so I thought. She talked incessantly about her divorce, his 5 adult kids from his first marriage, all she sacrificed for him and how he owed her. She played the victim to the hilt and I fell head first into wanting to protect and support her.

After the divorce was finalized I foolishly thought things would continue to improve between us and our relationship would begin to transition into a more traditional one. She lied pathologically to virtually everyone. Whatever would give her the most sympathy was the story she would tell. Her son had broken his back, she told me it happened when he was with his dad during summer vacation. Two weeks later she told some acquaintances it happened during football, another time she told her friends it was a genetic disorder because he grew 6 inches in a year. Another time she told me she was attending a cancer charity event where they were going to honor her friend and next door neighbor who was a supporter of the cause. Her neighbors husband she said had purchased several tables for his late wife's friends as a way to honor her legacy. Several days later her photograph from the event is the society section with her arm around another man. I point blank ask her if she was on a date, she said no they just grouped a bunch of us together to take the photo that she didn't even know the man. A few days later she says it was a co-worker of her friends husband. A month later I'm at her house and the phone rings at 11:30 pm and the caller id pops up with his name. She then tells me his son died and she was just supporting him - how dare I be so selfish (a ploy she knows will get me). I said why didn't you just tell me the truth and her response was because she never had a relationship where she could just be honest about something like that. Now I consider myself a very reasonable guy just tell me the truth I can handle it. If you want to date fine just let me know so I can base my future on the facts. She reassures me that I am the only one and she is sorry that she lied.

Several months later my friend sees her profile on a dating website and forwards the link to me via email. When confronted she goes ballistic accusing me of spying on her and telling me I'm the most insecure man she has ever met. She tells me it's my fault that I don't have a full and satisfying life and I need to put all my energy into her and what she is doing. All the intimate details of my life that I shared with her are now being thrown in my face as a means to hurt me. My parents are both deceased, along with my brother - she tells me she wants to be with someone who has a family. I swear I felt like I was losing my freaking mind. I feel minimized at every turn. When I tried to talk to her about how I felt she says her life is extremely hectic with selling her house, dealing with her son's back and she just doesn't have time to cater to my needs.

There's countless stories like this with her. I end the relationship and inevitably she comes back days or weeks later and says she is sorry that she hurt me that it wont happen again etc... Like a fool I want to believe her, believe that love will never fail if I do it the way God instructed but my soul is screaming at me - Don't Do It!

Finally a month ago a friend from my small world (that's how she refers to my life) calls me and says they are working on a charity committee with my girlfriend. They tell me the president of the charity, who they are both friends with says my girlfriend goes on more dates than anyone she knows but none of them are boyfriends - wow. Mind you earlier that day she tells me how she can't wait to marry me and spend everyday with me then in the same breath she says she hates that her kids ask about me. I kid you not 15 minutes late another friend sends me her profile from match.com That was 1 month to the day I have blocked her from calling me, emailing me and every other means of communication.

I now realize that none of it was real. That she is a very sick woman who will never get better. I've had numerous relationships but nothing that even remotely resembles this. I feel foolish, humiliated, and deceived and the worst part is that I know I could have stopped it early on before I got to this point. I feel as if I'm in a fog and have been for quite some time. It's hard to focus on anything other than this but I realize that I must accept some of the responsibility for choosing to stay in this unhealthy relationship.

My focus will now be on me. What do I need to change internally so that I don't settle for this type of behavior again. I know who I am, what I have to give, and my ability to love.