1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. My ex-N's latest hovering tactics and attempts to contact

My ex-N's latest hovering tactics and attempts to contact

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 16 - 10PM
baddream
baddream's picture

My ex-N's latest hovering tactics and attempts to contact

It has been a difficult couple of months with Christmas, New Years, and just this past week, my birthday.

At Christmas, N sent a card with a mysterious personal note saying he was "traveling" into the "wilderness" and living life as a "hermit". A friend told me that he is, in fact, living with his girlfriend in a real HOUSE.

At New Years my son rec'd several e-mails with pictures of him attached showing an overgrown beard and very unkempt look, also saying, "happy New Year from the hermit"

Yesterday was my birthday and he sent a text to my business e-mail address with another picture of him with a very long beard, with a message again saying "Happy Birthday from you Hermit Friend" He was standing in a snowstorm.

How weird is this? What he does not realize is that all the pictures that he has sent have a date stamp on them of 12/23/09 and he is doing this to make me think he is living out in the wilderness, in a snowstorm!

He is jumping through hoops trying to make me, my son, and all his friends think he is living life in an RV in the middle of nowhere by himself, when, in fact, he is living a very comfortable life in his girlfriend's house, where he talks to no one from his past life, and when he does-- makes up this fantasy life that does not include his significant other.

The good news is that I have been watching all this and it is not really affecting me. Just sort of strange to see him unraveling like this before my eyes.

He looks awful in all the pictures. Is he trying to make me feel sorry for him? Why these messages? His way of trying to suck me back into his drama?

That is not going to happen, ever. I wonder if he will ever stop these games and just move on, and be happy with the person and life he has chosen.

Jan 18 - 11AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

suck you back in

I think he is trying to suck you back in. My ex is doing the same thing. I got a birthday text from my ex. He also bought my son a birthday card and stuffed animal to give me because he was worried to death my teenage son wouldnt be able to get me anything. This was after 2 years of not acknowleding me. My ex is living a double life too. I wouldnt respond to him. He may be tired of his girlfriend and is looking somewhere else for a source to fill his need. Just be careful.
Jan 17 - 6PM
baddream
baddream's picture

Thanks everyone, great analyses.

I appreciate all your feedback regarding ex-N's bizarre behavior. It all makes sense. In the past he would play this sick game with me. He would tell me one thing at the same time he was doing the opposite, I think to keep me confused, unbalanced, doubtful and insecure. Or he would change a few of the details, to make what he was doing seem harmless while he was lying and cheating. He did it in a very subtle way. This is just more of the same. If I were to guess, he was sending these pictures on the same day he was going to get a nice haircut and shave for his honey. This is how he operates. The "hermit in the wilderness" is just another one of his fantasies to glorify his existence as some kind of adventurer. When he moved to the desert he would say "I am going where no man has gone before".... isn't that a joke? He really is an actor in this movie script he has going in his mind! As for trying to make me feel sorry for him, I am sure there is a little of that here too. He wants me to think he is lonely, when I know for a fact he is not alone. Another thing he would always say was "I am alone but not lonely anymore"..... BS, BS, and more BS!!!!! The last time I saw him there was a little card propped up on his mirror that was a suicide hot line. I realized at the time he put it there to make me worry. I have never believed he would resort to something like that. Thanks everyone for trying to help me figure it out.
Jan 17 - 3PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Two birds

'He kills two birds with one stone'. pardon the pun. My ex did this. He grew a beard, left his job went on sick leave with depression and because my ex neighbour kept me informed I knew he had a new girlfriend, but when you think about it, it makes logical sense. He can test her sympathy/compassion rating at the same time he tries to 'make you see what you have done'. He will no doubt be blaming his unkempt look on you, how you treated him and what you did to him which will more than likely really be the story of what he did to you! My ex encouraged me to pay his debts off (so we could move forward), then when I left him (he didn't think I'd do this and not care about the money) he actually told his children he couldn't afford to see them because I had left him with nothing and fleeced him for money. What he didn't know was his ex wife and I had been in contact for three years, as after he was arrested she gave me support (he did same to her/violence) so the story got right back to me. I think in addition my partner got sympathy from the neighbours by playing the victim so well. Having worked in DV it seems to be a common theme; like the smelling of aftershave and looking gorgeous to try and make you remember what you're missing, same aim just different approach! He will know which works best with you!
Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Playing the Victim

Mine played the victim so well that he got to teach part-time for full-time salary one semester! However, I left him in May. By September, when new term started, he had recovered sufficiently to have a new woman living in the house. But, I heard he was at a wedding in September looking "very sad." But, also, in September he was trying to get me to reconcile (with new woman in the house). These guys. Jerks. But now, the new winter semester starts with full-time teaching. The divorce is imminent. (No me to bully any more.) I think new woman's honeymoon will drawing to a close soon. He needs somebody to abuse. It's in the fabric of his being.
Jan 17 - 1PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

What a strange way to get

What a strange way to get your attention! I think you hit the 'nail' on the head that he is unraveling. Why would the girlfriend want such a strange character in her house? He is just looking for attention it is what they do but the beard and photos is a little out there. Maybe NO CONTACT is a good thing then you won't have to care much. I wonder what he will look like when he 'returns from the wilderness'?
Jan 17 - 7AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Too Funny!

I noticed my N spoke in metaphors. And, isn't your dude here just wearing a metaphoric mask of a man in exile coming to terms with himself out in the emotional wilderness? Early Christians went into the desert & sat on a pillar. Australian natives on a walk-about. For American Indians, a vision quest. It's a metaphor that he's "changing." A rite of passage. Part of the N routine: "I've changed." Your's is really an actor and into drama & very creative. Also, seems that your's is like mine in that he's trying to hide from you that he's living with another woman. (Nice to know that it ain't paradise over there & he's longing to get back to you. Obviously he ain't happy over there.) Yes, he's trying to make you feel sorry for him. Sounds as if neither you or your son have responded. I think this is a good idea to ignore these people. But, I would send any envelopes back unopened, marked "Return to Sender, Unsolicited." If the texts, etc. keep coming through, then change the numbers, and e-mail accounts. Just hearing nonsense from these dudes is upsetting. Draws one back into their sick & twisted web of lies, deceit & manipulations. Brings back the trauma -- memories of the abusive episodes.
Jan 17 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

baddream

yes he's hoovering who knows why these dungbeetles do this nonsense. IGNORE! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 17 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Creeeeeeeeeepy!

Creeeeeeeeeepy!