My cousin (narcissist) is causing us pain

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#1 Mar 14 - 7PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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My cousin (narcissist) is causing us pain

Most of us are struggling with our exes. I still am a bit (the betrayal). Hence, when a new narc is around it triggers me so badly and causes me such pain.

My cousin (20yr old male) is causing such problems. My sister allowed him to move in with her. She wanted to help him by providing him a place to stay, bc he is attending college in her state and to have free room and board is immensely helpful.

This guy is definitely a narcissist. I have told my sister this. He clearly demonstrates the behavior on a daily basis. He punishes, engages in the silent treatment, has told her she is not intelligent because she didn't attend college, expects his laundry and meals prepared (which she does), never cleans after himself despite that he was given and room and private bath, he is RUDE, however when confronted he ALWAYS denies that the behaviors. Last week he and I had a HUGE HUGE blowout.

I ripped him apart in every possible way. The end result was that he ended up crying and asking me how could I say those things about him. Said he was a "nice" person and didn't understand why I had so much meanness and hate within me (insert eyerolling smiley). I told him to gather his things and GET OUT. I told him that I didn't care that he had no where to go and that he should have thought of that before he decided to abuse my immediate family.

((BTW he was given warnings about his behavior constantly for 3 months straigt))

He packed his things and then the next day told my sister that he would not be leaving as it would be inconvenient for him. She said ok. Told him that he has to try to be nice and that was that.

I know many of you will tell me to mind my business, however I have custody of my sister's children and I have allowed them to stay with her on a trial basis, in order for me to see if the transition goes smoothly for the kids to stay there permanently. Thing is, she is doing a pretty good job with the kids. However, I don't agree with having a narc in the house giving the kids the silent treatment, blaming them for stuff he does, or making them do his chores for him. If the kids were not in the house I wouldn't care that my narc cousin was there. Unfortunatly I have to be involved.

I wouldn't pull the kids away from her bc of this decision; however right now i am VERY ANGRY you guys. I clearly put him out and my sister allowed him to stay. I don't want him around the children and explained that to her. She understands narcissism and actually told me that I might have it wrong as far as his diagnosis (uhhhhh I've been a licensed psychologist for the past 10 years--- I know NPD when i see it!).

I'm just SO angry and disappointed in her.

You guys, I'm not sure what to do. It's not a situation where i would take the kids away during this trial period... bc she is doing pretty good with them. But I really don't agree with such a sick person being in the home!

Help!!

Mar 14 - 7PM
rache
rache's picture

Its hard

the boy is just 20 years old,and,a man-child.He definitely needs intervention.This is a hard call.
Mar 14 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Jessika (not verified)
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Rache

thanks for your response. But the thing is, - that is the same approach my sister is taking, "well he's just a kid." IDK... I think its more than that. I detect pathology. LOL.... I'm just thinking out loud- so don't think I'm getting upset with you- :o) I mean, yeah he is young, but the behavior he subjects that entire household to is the same stuff our 30, 40, 50, and 60 year old narcs are doing. Silent treatment, selfishness, blaming, arguing, twisting the truth, lying constantly, causing drama in the house, everyone in there walks on eggshells bc they don't want to make him upset. My sister actually said the other day that he dropped chinese food all over the floor when he opened the refrigerator. She cleaned it up bc she knew if she asked him to clean up he would get angry and not speak to them for days. So she took care of it. That happens with everything in that house. They have to be careful not to upset him, not to ask anything of him, not to tell him he hurt their feelings. That is hard to see my 11 and 13 year old niece and nephew go through... bc they were not subjected to insanity when they lived with me. My niece is reacting the most to this and actually tells me taht she wants him to leave... her reason is that she doesn't like the way he speaks to her mother and the nasty things he says about me behind my back. SO yeah, Rache... he is young- but he certainly meets several of the DSM criteria for NPD and I am certain he is. I simply don't think it is his age. If anything, I think bc of his age he is not as savy as most of our Ns and that he will likely get worse (however better in his eyes) with manipulation and domination. He is just a beginner. To Barbara.. no my sister isn't in therapy. She thinks that if she treats him nicely perhaps he will be good. However he has been getting worse each week. They have set out rules for him and he breaks them all. He is very disrespectful.
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
rache
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Jessika

I guess i need to clarify that i wasn't implying his age was to blame for his actions-He clearly is very troubled! But,we need to be careful because he is just 20 and very emotionally immature and needs intervention(help).My sons friend(18)committed suicide yesterday,and,while i am very much an advocate of tough love-some kids need so much more-PSYCHIATRIC help.Today,for me,has been HELL-to say the least.
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Jessika (not verified)
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OMG

Rache.... I am so sorry you/ your son are going through this. My heart goes out to you. Please take care!! xoxoxo
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
rache
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Its

getting to be almost unbearable-the stress of waking up each day : (
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
rache
rache's picture

My daughters

little 14 year old friend died of cancer(brain tumor)last year.Another of her friends has blood clots in abdomen....the stresses of life on top of the psychopath is taking a toll.
Mar 14 - 7PM
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh... I forgot to mention

When he got angry with her once, bc she informed him that she didn't think that he was very bright (bc he was boasting about his intelligence) he deleted her from his facebook account.... however still eats her food and expects her to take him everyplace (he has no car) and wants his laundry done. She couldn't care less about facebook, however she knows that it is a form of punishment so she confronted him about that. He denied it and said facebook must have done it on its own bc he never deleted her (he also deleted me on the same day..... not a facebook error). He rearranged the furniture in her living room on more than one occasion, bc he felt the furniture wasn't in a location that was best for viewing the television. He texts CONSTANTLY. So much that when food was burning on the stove, my sister ran into the kitchen to attend to it he was sitting at the kitchen table next to the stove TEXTING. He is rude and interacts like a young child, however demands the highest respect, while doing NONTHING but putting everyone else down in the house.
Mar 14 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
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Jessika

You did the right thing!! She is in willful denial... not good... is she in therapy? maybe you need to make that a condition of the kids staying with her... she seems to have non-existant boundaries. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Jessika (not verified)
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She told him

he has to leave in June when his semester is over. If she doesn't comply with that then I will have a discussion with her again (a more forceful one) regarding making a choice between a cousin (she just recontacted after 10 years) or her own children. This is ridiculous!
Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
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have a strong talk with her now...

about therapy or the children. a mommy with ZERO boundaries is a dangerous mommy ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 14 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Make it a point about the children

Let her know you entrusted the children's care to her, and that you are utimately responsible for their well being by deciding and placing them in this situation. If she does not comply or cooperate, tell her you are removing the children from the home because you have the authority to do so.