My Birthday

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#1 Dec 12 - 1AM

Just_Escaped

My Birthday

Hi All:

I've just come home from a wonderful birthday evening celebrated with 15 friends, old and new. I felt very blessed by the experience, seeing that I really needed the confirmation the fact that my loved ones were still there after the last 2 years with the XN.

I'm writing because I blocked my XN from email and changed my phone number and feel guilty and alone without him. I woke up this morning, thinking I could cope with the day after 5 weeks of NC (although the XN contacted me 2 weeks ago, although I didn't answer and promptly changed my phone number). I am really overwhelmed. I thought I was coping okay, but I have spent most of the day crying. I kept thinking about the fact that he couldn't contact me to tell me happy birthday and feeling guilty that I had cut him off. I know that he is thinking about me today and wonder how I should cope with that knowledge I miss him, even though there are many reasons to keep him at bay, and I just want to call him to let him know I want him here with me tonight I know he would come. Can anyone give me advice or support based on their experiences giving in or succumbing to the pressure?

Thanks so much in advance.

Sadly Yours,

Just_Escaped

#2 Dec 13 - 2PM

Carolyn

you are trying to 'light a

you are trying to 'light a penny candle from a star'. You want him to be what you think he should be in order to get what you want. It doesn't work like that. they don't have that kind of human interest in the special events of others. Birthdays and Christmas and other fun events aren't fun for them because they don't feel in control so they blow them up. He is controlling you from afar. Now look at this-you aren't letting yourself enjoy the memories of a fun night out with new and old friends you are blowing up your fun day for him! Try reading Stuart Wildes "Weight Loss for the Mind" book it is little but packs a punch. You deserve to have a fun night out and feel good the next day but he has you so conditioned to suffer that you are guilty that you have a good time. No one should turn their power over to someone else and suffer negative emotions because you know he would like that. Instead of crying go to the gym, take a walk, volunteer to read to sick kids in a hospital, make a list on what you have to be greatful for, and be greatful that you are free.

#3 Dec 13 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Just_Escaped

Thanks, Carolyn

Thanks, Carolyn. Your insight and recommendations are good. I'm really interested in "Weight Loss for the Mind." I saw you mentioning it in another topic on the Message Board, and my interest is piqued. I'll go out to Amazon today and purchase it. I do feel like doing proactive things like going to the gym or helping others really helps. Focusing the attention on being greatful for my freedom. That is a real mental task, though, don't you think? At this early stage, I still swing back and forth as many people here do, between feeling relieved to be free and then saddened by the loss. I know it's a daily struggle. I wish I could be better at blocking it all out and blazing on victoriously, but for some reason, I'm not that skilled yet. He IS still controlling me from afar (as you said). It's like I can feel him sending me vibes or something. Like, "please call me....I can't contact you anymore...I need you..." But, based on past experience, I have taken him back, only to find that a couple of weeks later, we're going through the same thing again. So, I'm having to put on my big girl panties and focus on that versus what my heart tells me to do. This is soooo brutal. I am so sorry for everyone on here that has to deal with these conficting feelings...cognitive dissonance...perhaps it will all go away with time. I pray for that day.

#4 Dec 13 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Carolyn

you are doing so well. It

you are doing so well. It took me 7 years to start step one! You are a special person and you know what is happening to you. I had no idea what a narcissist was and what had happened to me. I think you are too smart and too special to stay in any place too long that isn't working for you. You have been traumatized and you can't get over that right away because your nervous system is wired to stay in that hurt place. There is another book written by a Santa Barbara psychologist named Pratt and it is Instant Emotional Healing-I loaned the book to someone else and I am not positive of the title- but the title is close enough. It is an ancient form of Chinese Accupressure combined with affirmations. It sounds silly but I actually saw it work on a woman who went through a huge break-up with a married man when she found out he had other girlfriends. She walked in a basket case and walked out saying, "why was I so destroyed over a guy like that" I couldn't believe it could work so fast. Anyone can do the excercise and they have diagrams and everything is easy and explained. Get this guy out of your head and then sit back and wait. they all blow themselves up eventually I guess because they get too old to keep up the control and manipulation game-they run out of energy. they also run out of credability and new people.

#5 Dec 12 - 2PM

Just_Escaped

Feeling Better This Morning

Hi All: I survived the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not give in! I journaled instead at 2 in the morning and then went to sleep. I woke up this morning and had an overwhelming feeling of strength. I thought to myself..."Wow! Look what I can do!" I still cried this morning, but they were tears of joy. Not giving in last night was a huge step. It was kind of strange. I woke up and before I opened my eyes, I had an overwhelming fear that I would open my eyes and he would be lying there next to me. I slowly opened them and saw my sweet kitty cat curled up next to me gazing at me with her big green eyes. I was overwhelmed with relief and love instead of regret. Thank you all for your support. This is such a great support group. You all have so many valuable, raw experiences that speak to the truth of our pain and realistic daily struggles. The links about relapse and the "no-no's" after breaking up are all so good. It's amazing how much our feelings and experiences are so similar due to the fact that we have been dealing with pathologicals. I know I would be feeling so much worse today if I had called him last night. Now, I can say that the No Contact clock is still ticking. 5 weeks and 3 days : ) Happily Yours, Just_Escaped

#6 Dec 12 - 1PM

JusticeSeeker (not verified)

Hang On

I understand crying all day. I do it a lot. We are all here for you and we understand. You are strong and will be ok. I agree with what others have told me to do about thinking of what your Ex did and said to you during mean and nasty times. I find that if I think about the games he played, how he used me, how he lied and manipulated me etc. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I may cry, but the overpowering need for him starts to go away. Then, I say out loud "NO" and I make myself leave my house..go to the store, walk around outside..anything to get fresh air and resist his programming. These feelings are normal and I definitely can relate to the pain the feelings cause. It can be unbearable and I do feel like I am going crazy, almost like a caged animal. I haven't talked to my Ex since August. In October, I had to expose him for some of his behaviors (stalking me) and he totally disappeared. It takes a long time to get out from under their abuse. Happy Birthday..Celebrate YOU!

#7 Dec 12 - 9AM

agnesmurphy17

Guilty?

"I'm writing because I blocked my XN from email and changed my phone number and feel guilty and alone without him." You feel guilty? You're still under his influence. Brainwashed. I went back & reread your story which you wrote a few weeks ago. Go read that. N is the one who should feel guilty. But he does not because he has ZERO feelings for you & your best interest. If he thinks of your Birthday, he only thinks of how he can use this sentimental moment to hook you back in for his benefit. You feel alone now? You were alone with him too. And you were tortured as well. Now you are alone & not tortured. Please, no contact. Read all the others who just went for a dinner or a chat . . . the abuse started all over again.

#8 Dec 12 - 8AM

quietude (not verified)

Happy Birthday!

I'm so glad you were able to celebrate with good friends. We all have struggled with NC, and speaking for myself, it's around sentimental dates & holidays. Only 5 weeks of NC?? Wow, that is soooo early in the game. I had trouble remembering my name around that time still. So the fact that you can get snazzed up, go out with your friends on your birthday, and actually enjoy their company is a pretty big thing. All the emotions you are experiencing are normal. You are grieving a loss ~ even though the absolute best thing you can do is get away from him, it still feels like a loss. I found not fighting my sadness and just letting it happen helped in diminishing those feelings. Unfortunately, it takes time and patience to work through this. There is no quick fix. The good thing is it sounds like you have a lot of support, and there is a lot of help our there, and here. Remind yourself why you are not with him. This is why it's good to keep things written down and handy so you can quickly reference how badly he made you feel, how dysfunctional he is, and how your life would in reality continue to be a living hell if you were with him. It's morning, I'm hoping you got through the night okay, and are feeling better this morning!! hugs

#9 Dec 12 - 1AM

Barbara (not verified)

Happy Birthday - AND NO CONTACT!!!!!

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/11/what-no-contact-means http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/06/power-relapsing-aka-allowing-contact http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/01/no-no-list-after-you-or-he-leaves No Contact will be the best birthday present you can give yourself. Break it and have him over - it starts all over again and you are back to SQUARE ONE with your healing. You KNOW he's thinking about you? I doubt that. You have OTHER PEOPLE who care about you. DO NOT DO IT!! Read and re-read everything on our My Blog Section but NO CONTACT!! If itâ€™s dead, bury it. Donâ€™t sleep with it. and happy birthday!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#10 Dec 12 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

The Girlfriend ...

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to YOU! And congratulations for not being with your 'N' and maintaining NC. That's a real and BEST gift to give yourself this year! Ditto everything that Barbara wrote to you above! Be blessed!

#11 Dec 12 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

Ellen

Well done

Happy Birthday and well done you, It is so hard i know. My ex is with someone else and no matter how much i may miss him i can sense i have done my time. He doesn't want me anymore and things could never be the same as they were before. I don't want to work on trying to kid myself he is a kind man anymore. I want to rip him apart in my head and think of all the horrid things he did so i can be strong and stay away. I am 4 months no contact now and it goes by so quickly. He could contact me if he wanted to but is listening to my final email that asked him not to. Thats true love isn't it on his part. Now i know why he didn't ask me out years ago and there was me thinking he was shy............no it just wasn't my turn. How used was I.

#12 Dec 12 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

itreallyisabouthim

Happy birthday! What Ellen

Happy birthday! What Ellen wrote was great indirect advice - go through the worst of what he did to you in your mind. Then see how welcoming a phone call would be from him! Congrats on NC - keep it up!

#13 Dec 12 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

MsVulcan500

Happy Brithday!

I, too, am happy you got to have a birthday celebration with your friends. There's some validation there for you that you have so many good friends who love you. Good, kind, loving people attract and KEEP good, kind, loving people in their lives. While I know these times are very sentimental and you think you want him back right now, if you stop and think about it, you really don't. Think of how badly you felt most of the time while you were with him. You know deep down that you do not want to go there again. Also, you have been through hell these past 5 weeks (congratulations!) and you don't want to have to start over with all of that again. Think of the progress you have made and celebrate that! Be kind to yourself today. We're all here giving you a big cyper hug, and that is better than a fake hug from a N.

#14 Dec 12 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

4joys4

Happy Birthday! I made

Happy Birthday! I made contact after I got a long birthday letter from the exN. It was in a moment of weakness and curiosity. It was filled with all the same stuff he always said. How he was sorry and how his life has no meaning without me. I told him to make his amends first and then we could talk about his letter. But he didnt want to play it that way. He had his own plans of how his game would go, and it did not involve amends of any kind. I was to just let him off the hook, pretend it never happened and let him have his way again. When he saw I was sticking to my own rules, he got angered very quickly and began to verbally and emotionally beat me up again. It was like a little kid with a game or toy. He was going to smash the toy if I wouldnt play the game his way. Since then, no contact. On both sides. He will always devalue me and use me to make him feel good or powerful. I saw that quickly now. If you have this guy over, after sex, you will see that it will be worse than before and that circle that confused you will spin faster. But I understand the wanting to contact. i think we all do here. It's a very hard thing to do.

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