My anniversary

So the site was down...I really wanted to post the other day as it was my 20th anniversary with my partner (who frankly is incredible, a million times the man the narcopath will ever be). Still, it was a very triggering evening, we went to see a film (narcopath references throughout), we went to a restaurant that the money splurging narcopath loves, which my partner chose. The entire evening I should have been focussed on my partner and the fact that here we are, still, after 20 years. Instead I found myself missing this ARSEHOLE all night. This coincides with 7 months NC with the narcopath. I hate this, it's as near as I've ever come to contacting him but I didn't and I won't. He never hoovers and he knows I will never contact him. It feels like it's just silent treatment v silent treatment. I just don't understand what on earth I think is missing or why I think I'm still in love with someone who is a total player and a total jerk off. I guess if I hadn't called him out and played along we'd still in touch. Really, in 7 months, have I made no progress?.