My amazing christmas gift

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#1 Dec 26 - 3PM

becoming sane

My amazing christmas gift

Not amazing as in the Material gifts I recieved , but amazing in that after many miserable years of Christmas, this year was totally different in that I didn't worry about sooooo many things that I used to get worked up about such as the food , the right presents , his kids coming over and me feeling obligated to pander to his " children " that are my age and older. I feel such a release from the chains that have bound me for so very long even though the N is still here and still doing his " thing " . I feel a resolutness that I will be free and I thank God for this Gift.

#2 Dec 29 - 3PM

Carolyn

Women have been controlled

Women have been controlled and abused for centuries. the north American women are the richest, most highly educated, most independent women in the history of the world. Now that you are feeling free the world will open up to you in an amazing way. I can't beleive what I ended up with after my abuse.I was a basket case, broken, sad, scared then I got my own house, a well paying job, then a great retirement, a life full of interesting things. I am just making my 'things I want for the next year list' and I have some heavy hitting things I want and I am 70! You can have so many things you just need to affirm, write things down, say them outloud for at least 22 days then read your list right before you go to sleep. It is a great experience. I have been doing this for 30 years and it most definately has worked for me.

#3 Dec 26 - 3PM

MsVulcan500

Good for you!

#4 Dec 26 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Amazed

It is only with distance and time that we realize the anguish

It is only with distance and time that we realize the anguish and unhealthy stress that the N put us through, the loopholes we jumped through, the bending over backwards we did for them and tolerated their thoughtless behavior towards us. It is indeed wonderful to be beyond the hypervigilance, and peaceful to have some sanity restored. Congrats to you, for following your heart, and realizing you made the right choice!! Thank you for sharing your victory!!! Thank God. Happy New Year!!

#5 Dec 28 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

becoming sane

Thank you .

That is one thing I realized and that has brought me peace is I will not allow myself to "care" in the ways I have in the past also I'm practicing NC as much as you can while still living with someone :) and it is helping me to put distance between us and gain perspective on my life with this man, I remember how frustrating it was to him when i put a tv in my room because it was impossible to watch a movie in the same room with him because of his distractions and disruptions,this was a couple years ago and he was continually making quips whenever i was out of sight FOR MORE THAN A HALF HOUR such as " oh up watching tv huh ?" now i just look at him and either disregard it or say "yea so " also Ive also started using his own words and tactics on him such as answering a ? with a ? or asking "why" lol he gets so annoyed when i just ask "why" it is comical :)

#6 Dec 29 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

ForeverLearning

Answering a Question With a Question

That is an all time favorite tactic of my Narc, answering a question with a question, in order to AVOID answering the question by distracting / confusing me. It still catches me off guard after all these years, especially if he had been in an otherwise temporarily pleasant mood and suddenly turns hateful on a dime. He usually does the "answer a question with a question" avoidance tactic in a suddenly nasty / hateful tone of voice to further throw me off and get me wondering "what the heck?" ( but I don't wonder anymore, I see it exactly for what it is, avoidance in answering the question and emotional abuse). I don't usually get an answer when that happens, and if I pursue it any further it inevitably becomes a nasty fight. And, it really is a whole new world once you no longer care isnt it? Feels so good, so light, so free, so happy. Everything becomes better. Just driving down the road in the car is better than it used to be, now that I no longer give a crap about this man. I no longer wonder why he is such a First Rate Jackass Loser Psychopath, I just accept that he is a First Rate Jackass Loser Psychopath and that I no longer give a damn about trying to change him. Understanding his tactics helps alot in freeing me. That's why this site is so great, all the input and similar situations. Thanks!!!

#7 Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

becoming sane

Or the incessant stupid questions .

Mine will bombard me with either inane questions or the same question several times a week such as (him) " what's this" (me) " it's a bag of potato chips " these questions are usually asked while I am otherwise engaged or in some other way can't immediatly " see" what he is refering to. I now respond with " what does it look like ?" or " um I have no idea " or he will ask why somthing is where it is at (as if it really matters )so I've started saying " I think the fairies put it there ( so much for calling me crazy huh ? You want crazy ? I'll be crazy all the the while I'm trying not to burst out laughing... Oh and yes I no longer ask questions about anything I really want to know about because most likely he will lie anyways .

#8 Dec 29 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

cynthia (not verified)

Never ask them questions

because all you will get is another lie, so why bother. You could ask them what they had for dinner and they will lie just to lie. Here is another thought, why would we want ANYONE in our lives that we know lies 24-7, even a friend, who in the hell wants that, nothing worse than a liar except a thief and they are both.

#9 Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

Monica

I will never forget the day....

...that I asked my N a question, already knowing the answer, already having the legal documents at hand that would prove his answer a lie, if he lied to me. And, yes. He looked me in the eye and lied to me, directly and pointedly. I didn't even bother to challenge him on the lie - which I should have done, I know that now - but at that moment it was all downhill for us. I realized that I had to extract myself from his control and manipulation and brainwashing. Everything he told me from that point on I checked out and almost everything was a lie. I never caught him cheating on me and never had any reason to be overly suspicious of it but I concluded that, if he lied about everything else in his life (his entire life is a lie) then he was probably lying about being exclusive with me. It was a long, drawn out process until I finally walked away from him but I did it. And, unfortunately, I now trust no one and am suspicious of everyone.

#10 Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

ForeverLearning

You Made an EXCELLENT Point

You're right, who wants liars in their life?!?!? They are absolutely worthless, and make life total worthless fiction. Excellent point, thanks.

#11 Dec 29 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

ForeverLearning

The Fairies and The Why

I love the Fairies answer! Along with just responding "Why?" to his questions. Seriously good stuff! Yes Christmas was great this year, its been several years since I have had any contact with his family (they all live out of state thank God) and I no longer give a rats ass what his parents, siblings, or children from previous marriage think of me. They will think what they want anyway, having heard all sorts of baloney from him about me over the years. I dont care and havent cared for years what any of them think and its a wonderful feeling having no involvement with them after years of bending over backwards for all of them. Funny thing is, since they have surely realized that I am no longer in contact with them after years of not hearing from me, any communication they get from him is all up to him, and as you can imagine he's a real horses ass about staying in touch with any of them so they finally see his true non-caring self after I stepped aside and out of the picture years ago and dropped my role as the "go-between" and miracle worker for the family relations / family communicator.

#12 Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

TexN (not verified)

Becoming sane

Yep. Same thing here...always answered a ? with a ?. Another one of his favorites was "Well, who's fault is it, the neighbor's?!" WTF?! He was always such a smart ass! " Yes stupid! Its the neighbor's fault you're a dumb ass! (lol!)

#13 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

becoming sane

have you made a plan to LEAVE??? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#14 Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

becoming sane

Also forgot

Ideally I would like for him to leave (so I can retain the house ) I just know there is somthing brewing (as always) and a blow up is just around the corner , and him not knowing what I now know will threaten (offer?) to leave or move out and this time I'm prepared to pack him bag for him!

#15 Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

becoming sane

a Bulldog divorce lawyer will get an order to remove him from the home. GET ONE - stop wishing ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#16 Dec 29 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

becoming sane

I'm putting things in motion .

I've got the name of a high powered female attorney (that alone will really fry his bacon :a woman !) I have saved some money and am putting things in place , it is not going to be easy there are joint bank accounts ( as well as secret ones I've discovered) joint assets and minor children involved , it is going to get ugly ,extremly ugly when I make the move, he and his first wife divorced a long long time ago and he is still trying to not only turn his own children against her but now the grandchildren , I have major concerns for my six year old son since he is borderline autistic and ANY time alone with his dad is not healthy for him so I am torn about the fact that as long as I am still in the home I can intermediate his VA of the children .

#17 Dec 29 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

4joys4

Don't wait too long in

Don't wait too long in leaving. You may think that you have it all under control, but every day spent with him is more and more abuse and manipulation. I started again with nothing. I did not take him back when I had no food or roof over my head. Thats how bad it got for me. I knew he would kill me emotionally.

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