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  5. Mutual Friends - Drawing the Line - THIS is Why!

Mutual Friends - Drawing the Line - THIS is Why!

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#1 Nov 3 - 5AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Mutual Friends - Drawing the Line - THIS is Why!

As many here know, I unfriended the xN two months before I actually moved out. I have had him blocked ever since...for 17 months now. That means, he cannot see anything I post, nor can I see anything he posts. I want it that way and it will remain that way. I strongly recommend that be the first step for anyone just out of an N relationship...cut off the facebook crap...you don't need any more torture at his/her hand. And if you block them from the second you make the decision to split, then there's nothing to "wean" yourself off of...n/c on f/b is just a part of your post-narc life...and it makes the split more of a reality...lines are no longer blurred.

Basically, rip the band-aid off right from the start...sever all ties instead of doing it in steps...prolonging the inevitable just makes things harder to deal with as you go through the withdrawal from your pre-split life.

Anyway, xN and I have a shared interest and there is a Facebook group dedicated to it...we are both members...but again, since I have him blocked, I can't see anything he posts there...nor can he see what I post.

I was on the phone with a good friend the other night, who does have him friended...she's also on the group, so she can see what he posts...one of the other members posted about having practices at his home...my friend told me the exN chimed in with some usually "uplifting" post, to the effect of...'I haven't had a practice at my house in 5 weeks, because everyone is so unreliable", blah, blah, blah.

Captain Rain Cloud has spoken!

Had my friend not told me about xN's post, I never would have known it was ever made. I told her during the conversation that while I respect her decision to keep him as a f/b friend, I would appreciate the same respect in turn regarding my decision to have nothing to do with him...up to and including "updates"...if I wanted to see what he was posting, I'd unblock him. She apologized for being insensitive, promised she'd never tell me about another of his posts again. We shall see.

Sometimes, I have to remind our mutual friends (these are people I'm close to; not acquaintances) that there are lines I will not allow to be crossed. If that ever happens again, she's gone. But I felt a warning was sufficient for now. I'm at a place where I can see what he truly is, and smirk when I hear of how miserable a person he remains...I don't feel sorry for him, I don't wish things were 'they way they were'...b/c I was miserable then. All I see now is the vast chasm that exists between he and I as people and how beneath me he was, is and will always be.

I love how someone posts something positive and he just HAS to come along and shit all over it while making something that has nothing to do with him, all ABOUT him. If that's not the most public display of narcissism that group can ever see out of the guy, nothing ever will convince them. And it's not my place to enlighten them. More to the point, I just don't care.

Maybe people are so "unreliable"...because they simply don't like him and are too nice to honestly tell him their feelings. So they blow him off. Works for me!

Funny how many people came up to me after our split on the national tour who confessed how much they profoundly dislike him. That was probably the biggest shock of it all to me...how universally despised he truly is.

Bear in mind, his negative attitude shining through is on the heels of him just starting a new relationship within a couple months of that post. Wouldn't you think at that point, if he was infatuated, he'd post something positive, or not post at all? His outlook on life is just as shitty as it was before the OW...not a good sign. When he was with me, and we were at that point, he was outwardly as positive as he was in our relationship...and he was on Cloud 9 then. What little I am seeing out of him so early in a new relationship is not good. Poor girl.

And now I'm reading this post, realizing that I am spinning a bit...not from feelings of nostalgia I have...believe me, his mask is off as far as I am concerned; but just that I'm wasting time posting about it and speculating about his lot in life at all...from the mere mention of a post he made...tells me I'm still in the process...farther along now, but still in it. And this is why we must remain diligent about enforcing the boundaries we have set...they are meant to benefit us and this is a perfect reminder of what happens when they are violated, intentionally or otherwise.

Nov 3 - 10AM
Deidre40
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I went through this not too

I went through this not too long ago, syren. I don’t use fb however. That said…I don’t believe in explaining myself to anyone, anymore. I cut all of our mutual ‘friends’ out of my life. Changed my cell number. One of them still buzzes me at home…but I haven’t replied. Cold? Maybe. But, I look at it like, these are adults. And they can’t get a clue that I don’t want to hear about this idiot anymore? So…my take, is…they like to stir drama, and I have no desire to be a part of it anymore. To me? This ‘friend’ would be a goner. Lol Maybe I’ve become a little chilly as to how I treat people post narc-ville, but so be it. Most of the time, when it comes to ‘friends’ of the narc…they do mean us harm. Sorry, just can’t see it any other way after all I went through with those people gossiping about me. But, you do what you need to. I’d kick her out of my life. For if she is still ‘friends’ with him? What does that say about HER? Know what I mean? She likes being friends with mean, self centered, hurtful assholes? That’s what it sounds like to me. And I don’t need ‘friends’ like that. Had she not told you this news...you wouldn't be having a setback.
Nov 3 - 9AM
mystwoman
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Great post, Syren. I

Great post, Syren. I couldn't have written this better myself. I feel that blocking the narc from all aspects of your life is a MUST (including from Facebook). It was hard for me to unfriend and block xnh at first, but blocking him was also the best thing I could have done for myself on Facebook. It was very freeing, and I've never given blocking him a backward glance. For some reason, I kept stalling about unfriending and blocking xnh after he dumped me. I think I felt that it was closing the last door on any form of communication with him. Like my sister said, it was the final "death of the dream". When I blocked him, I had to finally admit to myself that it was truly "the end". In addition, I didn't want to hurt xnh's feelings for some strange reason. Then it finally occurred to me, "Why am I worried about hurting HIS feelings? He's the S.O.B. that cheated on me, abused me, dumped me, and left me with a sexually transmitted disease from his cheating." When this finally occurred to me, it was SO much easier for me to go "block, block, block" on xnh and his entire family. I don't need anything about xnh or any of his minions in my life. They're toxic to me. Like you, I also think that asking mutual friends not to talk about or "update" you about the narc is essential to recovery. I had a "mutual friend" absolutely insist on saying something to me about xnh every time he spoke with me. He ignored me multiple times when I asked him to not do this, and when I finally got angry at him (several times) about his constantly discussing xnh to me, he ignored me about this as well. Now I feel the guy has made his choice. He doesn't respect me feelings or wishes. Therefore, he is not being my friend. My real friends will not behave in a way that is hurtful to me (especially after I've let them know they're hurting me) simply because they care for me. This guy is xnh's minion, not my friend. I don't need this in my life. Thus, I'm now NC with this mutual "friend" as well as NC with xnh. And now I'm reading this post, realizing that I am spinning a bit...not from feelings of nostalgia I have...believe me, his mask is off as far as I am concerned; but just that I'm wasting time posting about it and speculating about his lot in life at all...from the mere mention of a post he made...tells me I'm still in the process...farther along now, but still in it. And this is why we must remain diligent about enforcing the boundaries we have set...they are meant to benefit us and this is a perfect reminder of what happens when they are violated, intentionally or otherwise.. This paragraph is right on the money. Boundaries are so important in order to protect ourselves, and you are absolutely correct about it being a waste of time speculating about the narc's lot in life. Sometimes it occurs to me that, even though I'm almost 18 months since the D&D, xnh still rents too much space in my head. He gets less space than he did, but you are right, recovery is a process. I want to get to the point where the narc gets absolutely NO space in my thoughts. NONE. :)

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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.