Murdered my dream

Just when I think I'm getting better, some new realization strikes and I feel like I'm going into a tailspin again.

Lately it feels like a toxic cloud hanging over me, I'm angry because I feel as though he murdered our relationship, he murdered my hope and dream of experiencing true love.

Having come from a dysfunctional, narc-filled nuclear family from whom I am mostly estranged, it's been a life-long dream to have a loving, healthy, passionate, joyful relationship with someone. Instead I ended up in a safe, flat 15 year marriage with an asexual man, before I ended it and met the narc.

The narc took that almost-dead inner dream, the one I'd almost forgotten I had, he cultivated it, represented himself as the one who would finally help to realize it, and then JUST as I began to feel safe and secure and oh so happy, he took a sledgehammer to it and destroyed it by declaring it all over. I feel as though by doing so he made a mockery of everything that was good and beautiful, and this has left me feeling hopeless that I'll ever have that beautiful connection with anyone. That it really was unrealistic to ever expect to be able to do that and he proved it.

I understand that we must love ourselves and connect with ourselves and all that, and I am doing that, I am building a nice little life for myself. I have wonderful friends too. But I've always felt that it was important to rise from the ashes of my dysfunctional family and experience joy in a relationship. The experience with the narc...has left me questioning whether I should just bury that dream forever. That perhaps it always was just an unrealistic illusion.

Not having one of my better weeks, as you may discern..