MR. TOAD'S WILD RIDE....

i was thinking last night...as my PTSD and the fear of seeing his grinning ghost kept me awake most of the night, how i wish i could somehow make the psycho's life into some kind of a virtual unamusement park ride we could all go on......

starting out in sucker land...where he lured me in...and ending in dead and in hell with hard evidence land....that shows clearly that no matter how much FANTASYLAND there was in between that the cold hard truth in the end is the cold hard truth about all of them......

they have no souls...they have no remorse...they have no regret...they deserve no sympathy or empathy or compassion or forgiveness....i wish i could somehow pound that home to anyone here who still harbors doubts about these bastards being empty non human shells..completely devoid of feeling.....

i wish that somehow i could take all of you to the scene in the hospital...where his children who he had been estranged from for over 15 years came to see him.....how he perked up...but for all the wrong reasons....he was getting ATTENTION...they CARED about him....so he mirrored that caring...mustering his strength...he laid there on his death bed and conned his children one last time...or tried to....
he didn't want to apologize...he felt no remorse or regret..no guilt...he simply wanted some positive attention from them...to gloat in knowing that no matter how poorly he had treated them, that they still came to see him.......it was some sick shit.......

then, after they were gone...and he was loose lipped on Ativan...i asked him.......'was it nice to see your daughters?'...'yes'...'are you sorry for the things you did to them and your exwife...are you sorry you broke off all contact with them years ago?...are you sorry?'......
'for WHAT?..THEY dumped me...she divorced ME...i didn't divorce her!..THEY made no effort to contact me!...they all got what they deserved'......

i also found a 'sucker list' in his paperwork yesterday...a list of names and phone numbers of people he'd been contacting in his final days.....looking for a soft spot to land....i was on the list....at the bottom, just as i would have bet....by some names he had question marks...a couple he had put several angry lines through....and by my name he had written.....'predictably irrational'.....which i personally think should be HIS epitaph....

i wish i could take us all on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...so we could all see, with great speed and clarity that they NEVER change.....that every moment of every day is consumed with subterfuge and conning....and take that final turn...into a deep black freefall....but unlike them, get to come out on the other end.......