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mother in law

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#1 Oct 15 - 1PM
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

mother in law

Two things,

STBXH emails me that I have to start being a co-parent and talk with him regularly about the kids.

STBXH also tells me that I have to reach out to his mother because she wants to talk with kids.

No contact I know. What about grandparent's rights. Mother in law has not called the kids in over 6 months. She does not email them. SHe is close to gf and gf's kids. I offered to bring kids out on her birthday, and instead she had son and his gf out for the weekend. What responsibilities do I have towards her. My inclination is that she should call, write, email, etc. I would not interfere what so ever with her communications with kids, but do I need to be responsible for this relationship?

Oct 16 - 7PM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

been there done that

Oh I could have wrote this. My ex mil was in good with ex's girlfriend. I didnt include her in things or encourage a relationship between her and my son. I feel it was ex's job to let son have the interaction with her on his time. That is no longer my job. My child is old enough to call her if he wants to. He doesnt because she doesnt have a relationship with him. Until you heal I would just do what is required. That way have as little interaction as possible. Dont engage with him. Keep it to the point. Mine just got mad at me and stated that I didnt care and couldnt believe I didnt care about his problems. Thats not my place anymore. I find the best thing to do is make memories with you kids that you will cherish or the rest of your life. Try to keep busy.
Oct 15 - 8PM
tasha
tasha's picture

malloryforest

I agree with quietude-you don't HAVE TO DO anything!He's not the boss of you! Grandparents-well I used to take my children to see thier grandmother, I wanted my children to have a relationship with them. More love kids get from everywhere-the better! It was hard at times especially when my XNH got his new GF. And his mother was insensitive and used to talk about it to me. I do believe in family and perhaps at that time it was a way of staying close to him. However his mother perpetuated his Narc attitude, And used to try to justify his ill treatment of me, actually I think she's a Narc aswell! Now I think it is up to him to build that relationship between his parents and the children, as it is my responsibility to make sure that the kids get quality time with my parents. He has our two older sons in his care, I make sure when I have them that they spend time with my parents. He doesn't do this with any of our children neither the children that reside with me or the boys that stay with him. I don't think it's up to me anymore. I did try for the sake of my kids.
Oct 15 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

HAVE TO

"Have to" is something I typically don't respond to...unless it's my boss, and she typically doesn't talk to me that way. He's really got it in his head that all he has to do is bully you, and you'll jump. Show him differently, mallory. As far as I know, GP's have no rights. What is your lawyer saying about all this and how this communiction with him is continuing to upset you? Any luck with halting communication until court-time??
Oct 15 - 1PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

do I need to be responsible for this relationship? Hell no - be glad the mother of the sociopath doesn't give a shit! Do not respond! Do not let that manipulator make YOU responsible for her too. That's his mother... his problem. show this to your lawyer, your therapist & child's therapist too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 15 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

protecting myself

I decided to handle it this way... Very diplomaticly, I told him that she is invited to call the kids, email, write them letter, etc., but she is responsible for the relationship with her grandchildren. I then sent an email to her stating that she is welcome to call, write, email, text etc. the children. I wished her well. As a grandma, she has every right to have a relationship with her grandchildren, but it is her responsibility and her sons responsibility. I will respond back with kids, but I do not feel that it is my responsibility to make the connection. I sent the questions and my responses to my lawyer, and therapist. I felt that if I didn't respond it could be viewed as though I was trying to cut grandma out, and in all honestly, I don't care to cut her out. I just feel that other people need to take on their own responsibilities, not me. I am taking care of enough already on my own.
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
grossot
grossot's picture

You are a kind understanding

You are a kind understanding and patient woman No wonder he took advantage of you ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

Oct 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Was she a nice grandma

Was she a nice grandma before you and the ex split? If she was I would say that maybe she feels uncomfortable now. She may feel she needs to be careful about the relationship with you. In that case I would say let her be a part of the kids life. Although you are not responsible for making her feel better or be the one that makes contact. If she was not a good grandma before then I would count my blessings that she is kind of out of the picture. In that case you are still not responsible to make her feel better or be the one to make contact. As a grandma, I would be very upset if I didnt see my grandchildren because my son and dil broke up. I love my grandson and have a very close relationship with him. It would truly break my heart. But my son isnt abusive. And my daughter in law and I have a good relationship. If grandparents are not sick or abusive, I feel they do have a right to a relationship with their grandchildren whether the relationship with their inlaws is good or not. Children benefit from having grandmas and grandpas. BUT don't be bullied Mallory. Sometimes things just take time to settle. You will know what is right and good for your children. And it wont be because he tells you to do something.
Oct 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

you have GOT TO STOP THIS MALLORY he's getting you to engage as someone else here said YOU ARE STILL GIVING HIS YOU SHOULDS, YOU MUST, and YOU AREs - WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH WEIGHT. I wouldn't have written grandma at all. This is the same bitch who chose meeting the GF over the grandkids? and now you're responsible for the relationship? Are you SERIOUS? SCREW THAT! She's an adult and she's HIS mother. LET HIM DO SOME PARENTING and STOP ALLOWING THIS CHICKEN FUCKER TO GUILT YOU INTO CONTACT You're still his puppet He's still pulling your strings What does he have to do to make you see the light? YOUR LAWYER SHOULD HAVE RESPONDED TO THAT EMAIL. You have no obligation to do jack - except you ALLOWED the sociopath to MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. This is B.S. mallory - complete and utter b.s. STOP DANCING TO HIS TUNE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 16 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

I hear you.

I hear you Barbara. Why is it so hard for me to stop taking his threats seriously. I believe one of the driving factors is that I fear he can manipulate judges, lawyers, etc., and I have to keep on covering my ass so that he has less of a case. I already know what a "monster" he is, but the rest of the world is easily fooled. I don't want him to be able to create a bs case.
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

he won't manipulate ANYONE. You have way too much ammo and have GOT TO STOP LETTING HIM MANIPULATE YOU WITH FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) NO FRIGGIN' CONTACT. NONE. AT ALL. He's manipulating you into all sorts of contact and that HAS TO STOP. AND - any responses to make EVEN ABOUT THE KIDS? You write your attorney EVERY SINGLE TIME and say: Dear XXXXX I must request that you reply to Chicken-Fucker from now on. My therapist has pointed out I have PTSD and every time Chicken-Fucker manipulates me into contact it gets worse. Thank you. You're still deeply brainwashed that's why. Every time he makes you feel guilty or responsible just imagine that Assclown screwing his dinner... that ought to do it. Shoot mallory this ChickenFucker hasn't gotten an attorney yet - his BS case? IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 16 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lies

He's full of crap ~ chances are, a judge will spot his lies very easily. They've seen many cases, granted, this guy is total fruit loops...may even make a seasoned person's hair stand on end...but what is he going to say? And how is he going to back it up? Remember, when someone lies, the story changes, be sure your lawyer is a pit bull in court and knows how to handle this...asking him the same question different ways, etc. Does he have a criminal record? Have her ask him about that (those). My ex lied in court about his, this pissed off the judge to no end. How can he easily fool the 'world' when he's got NOTHING? You're the one with MOUNTAINS of evidence here. Just out of curiosity, when is this all going to court??
Oct 16 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

No time soon

I have no idea when this is all going to court. It seems to be stalling, then stalling, then stalling. Meanwhile, the freak can come out and visit his kids creating more distress and havoc.
Oct 16 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lawyer

Please don't hesitate to demand to be kept up to speed by your lawyer. Ask about the delays, WHAT are they and WHY? Don't be put off if you can help it. Some things we just can't control, but the squeeky wheel gets the grease! I'm just very hopeful that you'll get some relief, I really feel for you!