Mother-in-law

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#1 Nov 22 - 2PM
takingbackmylife
takingbackmylife's picture

Mother-in-law

I want to speak to my soon2bx's mother about the impending divorce. I want her to hear the truth, not his version. I have no idea what he told her since he told me what he said and his words are lies. Do you think this is wise. His mother is a piece of work too.

Nov 22 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

When you talk to her she

When you talk to her she will tell you things that are not nice to hear and not true. the best thing to do is understand breaking up is hard to do and you need to break up not only with him but with everyone associated with him. What do you care what she thinks of you? you have just suffered a loss and all loss creates anger as loss is a security issue and all security issues are various manifestations of your ego. If you get that most anger just becomes unecessary. you are looking for another reason to become more angry at him for lying. Think of how lucky you are to be rid of him and his 'piece of work' mother and give the ego something else to focus on. None of this is easy these people are really terrible to deal with but the person to care about is you not them. think about the present and what you can do to build a heavenly future as you can't change the hellish past, and try to have some fun experiences. As one woman told me when I was raging over my ex don't live in hell if you don't have to. I stopped raging that day, got a great gym membership with a pool and I have been swimming ever since. I found a great church with an emphasis on creating a positive present and future, made new friends, got a better job and moved on. It wasn't easy because there is some strange reward in raging about them I think it is the ego shaking a stick at them for all the trouble they caused but it doesn't really pay to stay-move on and find some great new future that is waiting right around the corner.
Nov 22 - 2PM
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ExMIL

With you saying "she's a piece of work too", more than likely, she's going to believe her son before she believes you. He might get his craziness from his mother, which means, no matter what you say, she isn't going to hear it...
Nov 23 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

HI

Hi, I think Nanc is right there...........you think she is a piece of work too. Then i would let go. I have just put a post up about my SIL the same thing more or less. I ask it cos i have already had conversations as we split and there is a chance she understands. Now his mother and brother and possibly the rest of the family are a different matter and i won't even bother with that. They may become that way cos of their parents. She would probably take his side than face the fact she may have helped create him.
Nov 23 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Wow I am in the exact same

Wow I am in the exact same situation. My STBX's mom is paying a visit to our area soon and I am making it very possible for her to spend time with her grandchildren and hoping as well that we will get a chance to talk. Based on how she has ceased calling me (we used to talk very often) I am sure that STBX has told her anything and everything he needed to in order to garner her support (especially financial support - lawyers are pricey). So it's gonna be interesting. I am going to do my level best to avoid the temptation to set the record straight. That will always fail as she would never believe the stuff I've been through with him, or if she did she might think "look what you drove my poor boy to do!" I know it's really hard for some moms to accept who their sons are, even if they are generally very aware people. My MIL is a wonderful woman in general, but she has done him a terrible disservice by enabling him throughout his life and at least pretending to believe how he presents himself. Anyway, I am going to try to stick to talk about the future of our children and what would be best for them. She may help try to steer things that way, she may not. If I were you if you don't have kids with him I'd probably just leave it be with the MIL. You're fighting a losing battle getting her to see the truth. If you do have children I'd probably just try to keep it all business.
Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

keep your dignity

A friend of my once said to me 'keep your dignity'. She was so right because you know as soon as you start explaining you loose your power and your dignity. If the mother-in-law knows her son, she'll 'know' the truth of the situation, and if she doesn't truly know her son,why waste your energy trying to convince her?! If he has tried to convince her it's you and you start telling her what he was like, how long before you look like the nasty, crazy, jealous, person he has described? And how long do you think it would take you to truly let her know what he is like. No, you have to rise above it for your own sanity. I agree with all the posts here, however I especially agree with Carolyn. If you keep going back to it, it will be like picking a scab when it's begining to heal! It doesn't matter if you are trying to convince him or his mother it takes the same energy and the only person it harms is you!! I know it's hard, it was like I had to 'win' at some level. Let it go, this is your life. Haven't you wasted enough of it? Put your energy to good use. If you use energy in negative projects you will get ill. Use energy positively and it breeds more enery! Lastly remember the truth speaks for itself (it may take years, but it does) and also hold on to this: 'under all words lies a silence that is even stronger'. That's where your true power comes in because he will be banking on you saying something!
Nov 23 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

I agree with Fairy Wings.

I agree with Fairy Wings. Just take the high road and be your nice, kind, loving self. If she doesn't see that you are really a nice person, then you don't need her in your life. Weed your garden of people that don't matter. And if he hears (possibly) how pleasant you were, then that will just be another thing that makes you look like the good guy. You can't go wrong with keeping your dignity and taking the high road. That's what I'm doing with my XN. I'm not saying anything to anyone that it could make it's way back to him.
Nov 24 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Thank you

I love 'weed your garden of people who don't matter'. As I love gardening I will remember that. Thank you.