Moral Dilemma

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#1 Aug 3 - 3PM

Meadowbrook

Moral Dilemma

I have a moral dilemma and would like advice regarding warning an N's wife that he is having unprotected sex with other women.

I was involved in an extramarital affair with a man who is a classic N. The "relationship" lasted about a year and ended when I confessed the affair to my husband. The stress of it all lead to my confessing to my husband and ultimately in quitting my job. I was such an emotional wreck that I couldn't keep the secret anymore and I think I subconsciously knew that telling my husband was the only way to "inoculate" me from being "played" anymore. My husband also needed to know the truth so he could make a decision about what to do with me - kick me out or forgive and work on our marriage. I'm happy to say that he has forgiven me and we are working to put our marriage (which was already broken before the affair) back together.

Based on everything I've read I know intellectually that "no contact" is the best way to go. I also feel like I dodged a bullet with this other man because it ended in a way that keeps him away from me but doesn't cause him enough anger that he will lash out. I KNOW I should be content with that result. In fact, once I knew the truth about him I bided my time, getting along with him in a friendly way (we worked together) and not letting on that I knew the real deal about him. So I've come to a soft landing of sorts....however...I was so suspicious about one other woman in particular for nearly the entire year that I finally broke down and called her up a few days ago. She was shocked to learn about me and she confessed that he had been flying her to meet him at business meetings. She also admitted having unprotected sex with him. He lied to both of us about no sex in the last two years - asexual wife, the whole enchilada of lies.... When I questioned him about his many female Facebook friends he said he liked the ego boost of "knowing" he could score if he wanted to but had never gone so far with anyone other than me. Yes, I know, it sounds utterly ridiculous that I would believe that but suffice it to say that he was very believable and I was skeptical but enchanted enough to buy the lies. I now believe he is a full blown Cyberpath and emotional rapist who likes to prey on married women for the extra ego boost!

Prior to calling the other OW I had a conversation with him where I asked him point blank if I should get STD testing. He said I didn't b/c the others were just people online and he uses a condom with his wife to mask his inability to have an orgasm. Yes, I KNOW!!! Ridiculous. Anyway, I got testing and everything is fine except for the HPV test - still waiting on results. Now that I know he was having unprotected sex with AT LEAST one other woman I am outraged. I was determined to let the matter go and just have NC with him. But now
I am incensed that he would lie to my face about the need for tests. He put my health, my husband's health and others at serious risk by his behavior. I can deal with my own pain at his betrayal and lies and even the emotional abuse I suffered because I know I put myself in the situation when I entered the adulterous affair. But THIS is so much worse that I feel the need to do something. I have put up with so much and kept my mouth shut and let him think I think he is a great guy just so I could get away from him. But now I just feel like a doormat and used and without dignity. He almost certainly won't contact me again because he is afraid because my husband knows and could cause problems for him. So I don't even have the chance to NOT reply to an attempted contact.

I feel the need to stick up for myself in some way. I have evidence of the affair and I would like to inform his wife. I feel she should know that her health is at risk. He is also moving her and their family out of the country in a few weeks for his job. She is leaving all of her family behind to go with him. He actually told me recently he views her as his "au pair". How horrible is that?! I know he already has a girlfriend in the new country and I have evidence of that as well.

So should I just lick my wounds and move on or should I try to stick up for myself and thwart him by informing his wife about him. It is a moral dilemma of sorts because I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that his compulsive behavior is putting her at risk for disease.

Thoughts???

#2 Aug 7 - 6PM

frances

telling the wife

I too was in a similiar situation three years ago. Difference was there was no marriage just the N playing two women....and many more I later found out. When I discovered I was the OW....I flipped. Did all the homework to find out who his girlfriend he'd been dating for three years was...and confronted him. Shocker- he still denied it. I said I'll give you one chance to admit your lies before I contact ----. He would never come clean. The next day I called the girlfriend, told her we had one man in common and she was so thankful for my call. She had suspected it but could never prove it. Together we filled in all the holes. He was playing us both! I think contacting the OW or the wife is a personal thing. I HAD to do it for my peace of mind. Friends of mine disagreed with me. Do what feels right in your heart....do what will make you move forward. Best of luck!

#3 Aug 7 - 6PM

Meadowbrook

Husband telling the wife???

Now my husband is considering calling the wife and informing her. I'm not sure what to think about this. I think he is doing it because he wants to "do the right thing" but also to screw the Other Man over. He wants to wait until the guy leaves for his new job out of the country and the wife is still here for a couple of weeks. I think the news coming from my husband will mean that she will have to believe it. I mean, why in the world would he make something like that up? It keeps me from being a lightning rod yet brings the N's evil deeds out in the open so the wife has a chance to make a decision about her life, etc... I think there is a risk that it will ricochet back to me but I might be willing to take that risk. I found out a couple of days ago that my sister suspects her husband of having numerous affairs going on. She's hired a PI to figure out the truth. A lot of her pain is the suspecting but not knowing for sure. If this other wife is in the same boat I would like to clue her in. Honestly, I feel so "messed up" right now that I don't trust my judgment. So I really appreciate the advice and points of view shared here.

#4 Aug 4 - 7PM

foolmeonce

Lived your experience

I lived your experience. So the N I was involved with was married as was I. He lied about everything. He wasn't having sex with his wife he was leaving blah blah blah. When he screwed me over I called his wife. He acted like I was the only person he had ever been with (guess he forgot about the other 300 women and men over the years). She evidently got tested and had HPV. I found this out months later when she called me and said I gave her a disease. I confronted him and he said he didn't have it. I asked him why he didn't tell me he said well I wasn't sleeping with her so I knew you wouldn't get it. She must have gotten it 20 years ago before they met. A month later I find out from the wife he did have it. I was made the scapegoat. Because I told her about the affair he could say oh I only slept with one woman and she was the whore. If you tell the wife you will be the scapegoat. She will then never have to open her eyes to his continued infidelity. It will just come back to you. Let the wife learn on her own then have him have to explain how she got infected. Narcs lie lie lie and he will turn it around on you. She will not look at you ad someone who wad trying to help her you just become the bad guy instead of him. Karma will get him. There is no moral dilemma he's the rat and I'm sure there are enough red flags she is refusing to see. Let her learn her own lesson. Trust me it's not worth it.

#5 Aug 4 - 3PM

Meadowbrook

I very much appreciate the

I very much appreciate the comments. My husband is aware of the dilemma about warning the wife. Last week he even drove his car part of the way to the wifeâ€™s brotherâ€™s house to tell him about the situation. His idea was to allow someone who loves her to tell her rather than have it come from a complete stranger. I had to stop him from carrying this out because, ultimately, I worry about the repercussions to our two children and I canâ€™t risk them getting hurt if word got out. It is so frustrating knowing that if it were me I would want to know what is going on! If I were to try to do something anonymously it would have to be vague which might not be convincing. If I wanted to truly convince her I would have to give details. I also worry about how HE would react once he felt he had nothing else to lose â€“ he could lash out at me and my family.

#6 Aug 4 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Aliveagain

What does your husband think

What does your husband think about him lashing out? Do you think underneath it all he's just a big woosy? Maybe we give these nut jobs too much power.

#7 Aug 3 - 4PM

sparky2009

Remember if you inform his

Remember if you inform his wife about him your actions will be put out there too. She will see it as you were fine sleeping with a married man until it blew up and he will cast you as the crazy woman who can't let go, spare yourself and your husband the drama. Worry about yourself and the damage you have caused to your own marriage, more than likely she already knows.

#8 Aug 3 - 4PM

herlatestvictim

It's not your problem anymore

I would lick my wounds and walk away. We all learn what we need to learn when the time is right. The truth always comes out. I don't think you need to take on the responsibility of telling his wife. She probably won't believe you anyway. She may question your motives and that will give him a huge opening to cover his butt with the lies that N's are so good at telling. Be glad your marriage is salvageable and your health is intact! I'm sorry you met him.

#9 Aug 3 - 4PM

The Girlfriend ...

I Had to Answer This!

I appreciate that you realize your own mistake and feel remorse for it, and that you have confessed to your husband and you are both working together to repair your marriage. You asked if you should tell the wife? I think YES! If I were in her shoes...(and I have been)...I would want & need to know. No one told me...even though some people KNEW all the lies and cheating my psycho BF was telling and doing...It has been the LIES that have been the worst...and the longer they go on...the more damage they do!...If you want to 'stay out of it' as much as possible...consult your husband...tell him your reasons for wanting to let the wife know what is happening behind her back...you may save her years of grief...finding this out while alone, away from her family in a foriegn country would be even MORE devastating...no friends and family for support...nothing familiar to hang on to... Can you send her an anonymous email? Or if you are brave, ask your husband to get on the extension and call her and tell her there is something you have debated for a while, but feel she has a right to know...and keep it minimal...don't get into the drama...apologize and tell her the reason you feel she needs to know is to protect her health...and her future. Or perhaps you could speak with one of the wife's friends and ask her to tell the wife about it...that your conscience is bothering you and you are concerened for her health and welfare... Wish so much the OW (that's pleural as there have been more than one) had told ME about the man I live with who I have been with for the last 3 years...the lying cheating SNAKE!...Finding out that all these years he has cheated on me...and I was virtually clueless for most of it...has been VERY devastating. It isn't the affair, or the OW or the sex...it is the LYING that tears you apart the most...my vote is to be brave and find a way to let her know as much of the truth as you can...while trying to guard her feelings as much as possible. And be prepared for HER to confront HIM...and HIM to deny it all...of course the creep...and for a while she may even be upset at you or everyone...but believe me...at least she will have a part of the puzzle that has been missing in her own life so she can make informed decisions about HER life and future...she probably suspects him...but doesn't have the proof and he keeps her in the dark...or even gets abusive to her to keep her from finding out... I would consider a woman calling ME and telling ME about an affair, and about my psych BF's cheating as someone who was reaching out to me...and throwing me a lifeline of TRUTH...in the stormy sea of darkness that these pathologicals toss us into... We need those lifelines...we need the TRUTH...no matter how painful...it is not as painful as the LIES! Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!

#10 Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Aliveagain

I completely agree with

I completely agree with this and can fully empathise with your situation as I was involved whilst engaged. I idiotically chose to leave my partner. Not for him but because the feelings that he fostered in me lead me to believe I was selling myself short in my preexisting relationship so I know what you mean about the stress being intolerable. You are very lucky to still have your husband. I wish I had never left my partner, I realise now all I took for granted and its pretty shameful and depressing. I know people think that getting in touch with the OW is about wanting continued involvement but I don't agree. I think its about restoring justice - for ourselves, for other victims. Ultimately this will be up to you to decide but I know what I would want someone else to do for me and that is to VALIDATE me by sharing their story. I'm not sure about the approach but I tend to think that a discrete phone call - not sure about getting your husband to call - to her, yourself followed by a face-to-face (ultra difficult but I think the most respectful) way to go. With regards to this being seen as disrespectful to your husband, I don't agree. You need to tell him and your reasons why, I think any rational person (which he could not be behaving like at this time, for good reason!) would understand your compulsion to call her. Honestly I know there is so much talk of "let her figure it out for herself" etc etc but I personally feel an obligation to anyone suffering at the hands of my exN. Whether they believe you initially or not doesn't matter, in the end they will and this will start the funnel of thinking necessary to getting out of the situation. Sure, some might not want to get out of hte situation btu I doubt that would be the case FOREVER. And I think the less time a woman has to spend with a nut job the better her life will ULTIMATELY be, even if in the interim she hits rock bottom. My 2 cents. x

#11 Aug 3 - 3PM

Happy1

The only thing I know is if

The only thing I know is if I were his wife I would want to know. Somehow I would want to know.

#12 Aug 3 - 3PM

Briseis

Stay out of it. Any

Stay out of it. Any involvement in his life right now, no matter WHAT motive you have, is a kind of disrespect to your husband and the hard efforts you're both putting into saving your marriage. "Sticking up for yourself" is a good thing, but where you stick up for yourself is something you need to be ruthlessly honest about. You need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, period. About how your husband would feel about you doing this. Would you tell him? I didn't think so. Part of healing your marriage is complete and total honesty. You are rebuilding trust. Would involving yourself in this be part of building trust with your husband or not? That's the most important thing, IMHO. Not the potential for disease in his new woman. What has me thinking like this is the context of your situation. You had an extramarital affair, and your husband is willing to forgive and work on the marriage. What part of working on rebuilding trust and working on your marriage is warning your exNarc's other woman? Could this be a distraction for you to "stay involved somehow" in your exNarc's life? It's possible, only you know for sure. That's where ruthless honesty comes in :) . Narc relationships have a way of hooking us and keeping us hooked even when we are running fast the other way. Could this be happening to you? If so, you would be among people who understand on this forum LOL. Now is no time to stay "involved" with this mess, if your goal is to save your marriage too. Just my take on the situation :)

#13 Aug 3 - 3PM

almostlydia

Wow, that really is a tough

Wow, that really is a tough one that I'm not sure I would have an answer for either. The one I would consider the most however, is your husband. I would guess he has suffered enough by the involvement in this N's life. I guess if I did do something it would be very discreetly thru a third party that might be a friend of the wife's and let then tell her. I definitely would NOT be the one to get involved directly out of respect for my husband and troubled marriage. I agree that the poor woman is being had in the worst way but sometimes they may act very differently to the truth. Will be interested in other's ideas. Make sure you're motives are what they should be.

almostlydia

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