"Missing The Narcissist" this is a great and helpful read!

Saw this website as I was googling info.
I don't know who this alexandra is- but she is funny and knows her narcs. Look through the archives on website too.

This is a great little read.

Missing the Narcissist
March 13, 2011 9:52 pm
Now you’ve done it. Forced to choose between your own sanity, your future and sense of self, and the arbitrary, absurdly selfish whims of a mentally ill manipulator, you’ve chosen the high road to peace and clear thinking. You’ve broken up with the narcissist. IT’S NOT TOO LATE!!!! CALL HIM!!! Beg his forgiveness! Yes, he’ll wiggle with glee at your showering him with this attention and taunt you with ambivalence or outright haughty insults as punishment for your taking control of your own life, but hang inthere! You might still be able to resume your place in his whacked psychoworld! OK. I know. You miss him. We all know how that feels. But, now, let’s take a peek at this ‘missing’ thing. I assume we all agree that with narcissists, we’re generally dealing with two people: The guy he is, and the guy he pretended to be. You miss one of them. I take it we all know which one. Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you’ve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn’t be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all. When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! ‘You’re alive!,’ you think. ‘You’re not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You’re finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?’ Whoa, there, Sister. Let me spare you a tiny bit of hurt here by having us skip ahead to where he slams you again and you wake up in the harsh, cold world of Reality. Things just got even worse. Pretend Guy is still gone, Actual Guy is still abusing you, Pretend Guy and Actual Guy are still the same guy, AND now any baby steps into healing you might have made just got deleted into nothingness. And you wonder how he’s feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (narcissists don’t pick hardasses for partners), but you’re conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-narcissist you, doesn’t want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner. “Hey,” I hear one loyal heroine say. “Don’t talk about him like that! He’s NOT an abusive, selfish freak! He’s…. Well, OK, he’s an abusive, inconsistent, selfish, ridiculous, freak, but he’s MY abusive, selfish freak!” Oh. Sorry. Hey, didn’t I see you last week on Jerry Springer? For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend Lin. Lin’s man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. Lin knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he’d grow distant, she’d work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall? Friend Lin stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she ‘selfishly’ left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let’s ask her, shall we? Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their narcissist partners? Lin: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!! Hmmm. Well, don’t pay any attention to her. She should have stayed for 31 years; maybe THEN he would have changed. Besides, YOUR narcissist is different! HE’LL get better! He will! I swear! Please, just take him back and get him away from the rest of us… When we leave the narcissist, it’s because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterward, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. We’re hurt; we’re mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just can’t believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the narcissist. Except for one. Reality. Which is Truth. Reality is Knowledge, and Honesty with yourself. It’s Your peace. Your health. This road points in the opposite direction, away from the narcissist. Yes, it’s an uphill road, but if you can invest in the climb, the view from the top is spectacular. Does it seem like if you just invested enough love and time in the narcissist, well, it just can’t help but to get better? Our Lin spent 30 years wanting her narcissist to get better. I wonder if he started to get a little better around year 10. Or year 17. Year 23? Year 29? Is Lin content that she tried hard enough to make the relationship work? Let’s ask Lin. Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin, are you glad you spent 30 years in a ‘relationship’ with a narcissist? Lin: AAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH……. AAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKHHHHHH…. Sorry, folks. Apparently I said something wrong.

curlybrown's picture

This is an awesome awesome read! Should be shared with Lisa so she can post and everyone who is on the path forward can stay on the path. Cannot say thank you enough!
jen79's picture

this blog really makes me laugh. I think we need to laugh more here on this board. Laughing is beside crying a great way to release pain and trauma, you start to heal, when you can laugh about them, and ourselves too. Love this blog!!! Thanks for sharing.
Journey's picture

I'm going to visit her blog right now... thanks for sharing this.

Journey on...

dudette's picture

Sent the link to his ex wife.... sooo funny because it's all so true... Good opportunity to laugh at myself and (the bitch in me...) OW as welll
TLSM's picture

I love that you sent it to his ex wife. I gather you two are friends? Awesome!
dudette's picture

friends actually..... she has a child with him, so getting much crap still.... However, because I have worked him out ( researched and found he was an N) and was the first person to believe her when she told me what he was like behind closed doors.... I help her out when he gives her a tough time... behind the scenes.....I anticipate his next move..... Sometimes I have had to go to her place with food and get her into the bath, sometimes I have cried on her shoulder.... We have an agreement that she does not tell me about what he gets up to with OW.... that's not my business However, if he hurts her or his son, I go in with practial help and comfort. she has been so isolated... I am in awe of the woman. If you knew who she is, what she used to do for a job, you would not believe the woman she has become after ten years of marriage to him. she is also a reminder of what I got away from..... I can tell you that it is sobering....
TLSM's picture

She sure is lucky to have you! And it's cool that you can cry on her shoulder. It's a very scary deal when one single human being (MONSTER) can destroy another. Be grateful you do not have children with this guy. I talked to his ex wife too and she was great! At first...Then she threw me under the bus to get what she needed from her XHN (my exN) Like more money...She used the kids to get what she wanted from him too. She was just as whacked. But she could very well be whacked from him. She was married to him for 22 years. I just can't imagine being married to one. Almost happened. My heart goes out to all that are still or have been married to one. What a living hell.
onwithmylife's picture

ALL i can say she deserves the Nobel prize of NARCDOM, magnifico!!!!!!!
TLSM's picture

I really want as many people to read this. It should, at the very least, make you smile, angry, validated and maybe laugh. I did!
ImStrong's picture

This chick is the real deal

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

sara-smile's picture

That is great!! LOVE LOVE LOVE the sarcasm! When I read this it makes me feel STUPID! LOL LOL!!! Which isn't a bad thing because I know I'm not.......I was for awhile but I've got my brain back in line now! Thank you for the post!
TLSM's picture

Isn't it great? I have been struggling BIG time with this very issue!!! (Thank you Michele!!!)
sara-smile's picture

I was just reading more of her stuff and it's AMAZING! The blog about the 4 types of Narcs was priceless. (mine is the herpes Narc LOL) Humor and sarcasm is so wonderful during this terrible time of recovery! I LOVE HER STUFF! Everyone should read her blog! It's awesome!
Mell's picture

THANK YOU for posting this!!! THAT is AWESOME!!
michele115's picture

Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! EXACTLY... AND what I especially want to highlight for all those that think they are to blame or something is wrong with them or they brought it upon themselves: The real you, the pre-narcissist you, doesn’t want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner You've been hoodwinked, brainwashed, gaslighted and abused without your knowledge and CONSENT!.... OWN IT...
TLSM's picture

Can you even believe I found this after our discussion? Meant to be! Hey why did this post twice!? Michele- should one be deleted?
michele115's picture

It helps cement what we discussed! As per deleting, don't worry about it...it happens sometimes... Hugs!.... This was excellent, I hope a lot of people read it.
TLSM's picture

And OMG. Is that you in your picture?