mirandas story :/

i am slightly nervous of putting this "out there" but here goes.....heres my story, and its depressingly similar to lots of others i have read here.

its been 4 years, on and off. we met online, and the distance (200miles) and family responsibilities has meant it has only been one long weekend a month, with lots of skype webcam, phone etc inbetween.

it was so great at first, he was so different to any other man i had met. totally open, expressive, and unguarded. creative and spiritual, and the connection we had (or i thought we had) was unbelievably deep and strong, he said we were soulmates, meant for each other and made for each other. i really believed he was the "one" i had waited all my life for.

i have never let anyone in so deep as i have with that man, and he said the same about me :(

( i have found all that bit really hard to write as it all sounds so ridiculous now, but i`m trying to be honest)

after those first few months its been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, pull and push, heady highs and horrific lows. we had many mini-splits, and two big ones of 6 months each, because he "wasnt sure" of what he wanted. the first time he had his next girlfriend already lined up, and the second time he was on a dating site within 3 days of us splitting up. i was so tangled up in his web that i`m ashamed to say i did not leave him alone. i txted him, kept emailing, sometimes he would reply, sometimes not. but both times, after a few months, he told me it wasnt working out with them, and wouldnt with any woman because it was me he really loved, i was the only one for him... and of course it was what i wanted to hear so badly so i fell for it and i took him back. twice.

we`ve spent a lot of time together since then, but still its happened again.
he says he "doesnt know what he wants, he doesnt want to commit to me, and yet he knows deep down that i am the only woman for him" (hes the f****ing king of mixed messages) i couldnt believe it, after all his promises of never doing that to me again!
and so, after a few miserable weeks over xmas, of pathetic neediness from me and passive ho humming from him, i told him that as he obviously didnt want me then he would never ever hear from me again (which i always said in my over dramatic moments, but never do.....until now). he txt a few sad face smileys (but not saying he wants me back or anything) which i ignored, then he joined a dating site again. that was 4 weeks ago and there has been no contact either way.

its only in this last month that i have finally realised what the problem is. i googled push/pull relationships and found narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. at first i thought he was a "quiet" or "waif" borderline, but now i think hes a narc :(
the more i read the more my blood ran cold, it all fitted so well. i couldnt believe this was really happening to me, that the man i loved so much was one of these people....who just dont "get" real love, care, and respect for another human being... ever.
i had always believed (like we all do) that love conquers all :(

i had never heard of these disorders before, i was totally naive. but looking back the signs were all there that this man was not normal.
he even told me once he was seeing a psychologist to sort out his feelings, because he never knew how he felt about ANYTHING (!). he only went a few times, and according to him, all she told him was that it was all his mothers fault, it had all gone wrong in the first years of his life.
i was so blind to all the red flags..... previous alchohol problems, his ex girlfriends were all "mad" according to him, the constant need for attention and admiration, bad debts, his superior, snobby nature, his odd friends, his chaotic finances, huge sense of entitlement, eccentric behaviour (or as a forthright friend put it "theres something a bit weird about him") the dreadful mixed messages, the withdrawing of affection if i got too close.
.....but the very worst thing is his total lack of empathy. i could never understand that. for him to say that i was the love of his life, and yet be so calmly unmoved by my pain? i didnt cry often in front of him, but on one of the few occasions i did, he said "awww youre crying....i like that, i like seeing you all vunerable" (?!)
there were no "rages" as such, he never asked for money, and there were no obvious insults, but he was EXTREMELY passive aggressive in such a way that i was kept insecure, and "not quite" good enough for him. it was so so subtle that i couldnt even confront him with it, because if i did he would say it was all in my silly mind, that i was a lovely beautiful woman and he loved me dearly. i can see now it was a form of control.

towards the end it got so tiring, trying so hard to keep him interested in "us". he said all the right things but his actions never matched.
his madness infected me. i lost myself and almost lost my mind too. i became alternately manipulative, needy, angry, sexy, motherly, whatever i thought would work at the time to draw him back into me. i didnt matter anymore. our relationship was all about him, his wants and his needs.

i didnt know about the "no contact" thing until recently, but thats where ive found myself anyway. i think i instinctively knew i had to cut ALL communication totally in order to break his spell.
i know i`m lucky that unlike some here i didnt marry him, or have children etc. and the distance makes it a lot easier because i know i wont see him around my town with a new woman (i think that would break me into a thousand pieces)
some days are ok, i can almost see the way out....but most days are miserable and empty and i feel like a zombie.
i think about him all the time. but i know i wont contact him again. but if he contacts me? i dont know, i hope i can ignore him, i really do :(

reading this back i cant believe i put myself through it, but there were also times when we were very happy together and incredibly close. we had fun, laughter and affection. but following those times he would always retreat, and withdraw for a while.

at times i have felt so physically and mentally ill with it all. i`ve never had a relationship like this before, that has affected me right down into the core. these horrendous rushes of adrenalin, and general wierd feelings. i can see why its compared to post traumatic stress disorder.

of course this time though, i know whats wrong with him, and thats a good and bad thing. good because i know its not my fault (although to be fair he always said that he knew it was his "issues" that were the problem) and i now know that the way i am feeling is normal after being with one of these men.... and its bad because its the end of hope, i have to try and accept it was never going to work, no matter how much i love him, he is what he is, and that wont change :(

i just remembered something he said to me a long time ago, when he was telling me how much he loved me, and we were meant to be together forever.......he said "when i look in the mirror now, its your face i see"....if i ever needed proof he had a distorted sense of self, thats it.

i wish i had never met him...... and yet.....