mindgames, resulting "disconnected feeling", and does zoloft help?

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#1 Jul 21 - 10PM

Leah2

mindgames, resulting "disconnected feeling", and does zoloft help?

I had a session today with the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ptsd last week. She does therapy so I decided to use her (she does a lot of guided meditation, so you can feel where the pain is in your body) rather than the counsellor I have been seeing for a few weeks but does not seem to have helped me feel better. As she guided me through my feelings, I started crying uncontrollably. She said that my feeling of disconnect (where I literally feel like I am out of my body on some days) and inability to really accept what has happened (that my ex-H was probably crazy in some way by walking out five months ago and simply never calling me ever again!) is so great that I seem not to be processing what has happened on an emotional level. Logically, it all makes sense, i.e. he man I was married to for five years who convinced me that we were soulmates and partners for life was basically "not the truth".

The realization of this "non truth" coupled with a year of "silent aggression" during which he manipulated me by basically never answering questions about our joint future (why did he look so sad and distracted, why wouldn't he answer the question about if we should buy a house, shall we have that baby he always spoke about wanting, why was he never home and why did he say his friends were so important to him when clearly they had their own lives and families, meanwhile his adoring wife was confused as to her place in his life?) has wounded me so greatly that I think I was the problem and not him! Amazing, but it is true.

Some days I just want to beg him to come back to me and to tell him that I will do anything, all this when I don not even know what I did wrong! The guy has shown no compassion towards me, going from loving husband one day to complete NC the next, screwing with my mind for months by acting like an injured child who needed extra love when, all the while, he was making plans to walk out, telling others lies about me! After all this, I still feel that I could have done something to make him understand that we were great together!

1) Do any of you keep coming back to blame yourselves or feel like, after months, that you're not sure if you ever even met your ex...like this, the D&D as well as the relationship, was all a dream. The psy tells me I am not craxy and this reaction is normal after emotional abuse, and that the worst type of abuse is the "loving husband who ignores you bit by bit".

2) Please let me know if you have tried zoloft? I am so scared of taking an antidepressant. So far, I have only taken antianxiety medicine to help with the sleep, but it seems to be a band-aid and is not addressing the underlying feeling of disconnect between my mind and soul.

She has suggested that I take Zoloft for a few months to get my serotonin levels up (low serotinin apparently responsible for the poor sleep and eating patterns and sudden crying every few days plus the obsessive thinking of him, but above all the feeling of "not being here"). Has anyone tried this? I am not depressed in the "typical" sense (ie not sitting around eating icecream and crying all the time these days, I am able to go to work and generally be productive) and have never suffered from depression before. She says I will not be able to emotionally process things without the support of medication to bring my serotonin back up, and will stay stuck in confusion and disbelief as to what has happened despite understanding that he is not well (either an N or P or who knows--whatever he is, he was a liar in the sense of not talking to me before walking out on what I felt was an amazing marriage, or certainly was lead to believe that there was nothing wrong, meanwhile he must have gone from adoring me to simply hating me for some reason--maybe from a tiny critiicisim of him?!).

#2 Jul 26 - 9PM

Leah2

Thank you everyone...

It has been incredibly helpful to read your replies, thank you so much. I will give Zoloft a try, keeping in mind that I might feel weird for a few days. I will also take half a tablet of the klonopin tonight and then try to stop taking it. I do think I have started to rely on it as I sleep really well with it and, last night I did not take it but took Lunesta: NO EFFECT whatsoever! Yikes. I think it is worth trying Zoloft since my mind is really in a fog these days. The effect that this man had on me has lasted longer than I imagined, and I know that I have yet to truly accept the betrayal. That said, Agnesmurphy17, you are completely right that he is bad news whatever the cause. I just did not see it, because his exterior is so charming; one day it will crumble as he is so empty inside. You mentioned the other woman. Well, I think that he was a somatic narcissist. I never once saw him comment on how beautiful a woman was, or on someone's figure or curves. After the first year or so, he barely initiated sex with me (and I am not unattractive--excuse the N-like comment :-) So either he does not care about sex or did a great job at behaving like a child who loved people for friendship and not for the sensuality or sexuality. However, I remember that he appeared to be flirting with his sister in law after his brother died last year; I thought initially that he was comforting her, but it may be that he had "mentally" replaced me with her (he started talking about living by the sea and having three kids; that was the life his brother had, nothing that WE had discussed at all in our marriage--we had always said we would live in a city and have two kids!). So maybe he fell for her (she's not great looking, has half my intelligence, and he called her a gold-digger who did not love her husband/his brother. But for some reason he started behaving like she was more important than I was, so perhaps you are right that there was something there. In any event, she found a new boyfriend within months of her husband's death). Whatever the case, I need to forget this man and thank you for telling me this. It is important to hear whenever I feel myself slipping into remembering the good times. At this stage, I know nothing to be "true" except that I was duped, devalued, discarded. I am vowing, ONCE AGAIN, to go NC. To somehow force myself to accept that I did not know him, that this was all a dream, that all that talk of soul-mates was pure manipulation, that I did not cause this. And that there will be bigger and brighter things to come, for all of us. I am so sorry that your ex was depraved. That is absolutely frightening. I have often wondered if the men who quietly kill their wives have shown signs similar to this!?? Mine spoke endlessly about wanting children, but when it came to actually planning a baby, all of this weirdness started. How many women have lost their lives to such men?

#3 Jul 26 - 12PM

Briseis

I was one of those folks my

I was one of those folks my therapist had to work HARD on to try an antidepressant. After he promised me lol it would not change any of my problems, traumas or ways of thinking, I gave in. What the antidepressant did for me was to stop the mental earthquake so I could stand on my feet and work my way through my problems. My brain was so ravaged by the pain I could not get my feet underneath me. Almost immediately, they stopped the obsessive thinking, they stopped the outbursts of overwhelm that made me cry in the middle of Walmart. It's like they made a "safety net" so that my feelings/emotions did not throw me to the ground and pin me. I felt everything I ever felt but it did not crush me. Within several months, I was really making progress. What you went through is almost unimaginable to me :( . For all of you who had Narcs that built you up like that and then disappeared, I don't know what to say. It took everything I have to get RID of mine. That was bad enough. But to be so utterly rejected and abandoned, without a word . . . honey, get whatever help you can. It's gonna take all of your strength to get to the point where you KNOW you did nothing wrong. It's just human to think you did something wrong to cause this. No human being alive wouldn't think this, even knowing he was a Narc. What happened to you is hard to understand, much less go through as you are :( I totally believe you can rise up out of this and in a few years, you'll tell this story to others with a helluva lot of wisdom that you can't imagine having right now. Antidepressants are just a "leg up" out of the pit. They help you stay solid enough so you can do the work. That's it.

#4 Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

BlueMoon

agreed- it took the edge off

Hey there! I do believe that anti-depressants "take the edge off" for so many people. I tried simple the simple ssri drugs, like zoloft, lexapro, prozec, and they were not enough for me, so I tried Cymbalta, which combines a norepinepherine reuptake inhibitor along with a seratonin reuptake inhibitor. Within two weeks I was literally transformed. I had been suffering all of these years, and I literally have a new life. I can think, I no longer have flashbacks, I no longer obsess or have anxiety. It's a freaking miracle. Brain chemistry is just as complex and prone to needing help as any other bodily function, and there is nothing wrong with taking something to help. If you had diabetes, you would take insulin... And if Zoloft doesn't work, it is completely ok to keep trying different types until the right one works for you. It is not an exact science and really only trial and error can determine success! Best of luck!

#5 Jul 26 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

wholeagain

I agree

with Briseis about how antidepressants helped me. It doesn't make you all blissed out, just gives you enough strength so you can face what you have to face. My particular one also gave me an energy boost that I badly needed. You can think of it like this, your serotonin, or maybe dopamine, spigot is on full blast, and is draining faster than you can make more--stress and trauma will do that. All the anti-d's do is turn the spigot off so you can re-develop proper chemical balance. I haven't read the whole thread here so someone may have already addressed this, but if Zoloft doesn't work for you, don't give up...it can take a few tries before finding the med that is right for you. I tried Effexor and Serzone with not good results, but Wellbutrin works beautifully. It's different for everyone. Depression takes many forms...sometimes it looks like apathy, sometimes like anger, sometimes like avoidance. Bottom line, you need to be able to connect with your deep emotions and that's going to take a stronger chemical net than what you may have now. Trauma really messes with the brain. Take good care of yourself, I'm so glad you found a therapist who's helping.

#6 Jul 26 - 12PM

herlatestvictim

I tried it.

I tried Zoloft for 3 days and had to stop. It made me feel crazier. The racing thoughts were the worst, particularly since they were all about my ex-N! It did make me stop crying though... I decided not to go the meds route. I practice all kinds of crazy self care stuff now: -when your mind is clear, write down the truth of where you are now with your situation. When I start to doubt that my N is as bad as she is or that what happened really happened, I look at the list. -I try to limit myself to no more than 15 minutes of crying. The rest of the time, I tell myself to suck it up and hold it in. (This is 6 months later! Grieving is necessary but crying daily feels like a terrible habit now.) Good luck and do whatever works to get you to the next day!

#7 Jul 26 - 10AM

loveofmylife

Zoloft

This effected me VERY negatively. I felt like it made me crazy. My arms had uncontrollable movements and my mind was racing - couldn't slow down. I went to the Mayo Pain Center when I felt like my meds were messing me up. They switched me from Zoloft to Trazadone (a mild antidepress) to take at night and the results were nothing short of amazing. Alot of people cannot handle a drug like Zoloft. If you are not feeling clinically depressed (i wasn't either at this time) then ask her about Trazadone.

#8 Jul 26 - 6AM

MelloMix

Hi Leah

My heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone. One of the best quotes I have heard goes something like this. 'You will never find peace from the source of the pain.' You say the marriage was 'amazing' - but something was very wrong to bring you here in the first place. The man you are craving is the very man who cast you off like last week's rubbish. Please don't listen to his 'poor me' laments. He is not capable of taking any blame and he is certainly not suffering now. You are still in the fog. That's normal, everyone processes at a different rate, but it's a long road for all. The reason you are still so devastated is the continued contact without doubt. He is keeping his power and control over you because you will be a good source of supply should he need to 'fall back' on you. In my own case, I am aware - despite educating myself about NPD to a high degree this past 19 months - that I am still 'stuck' because I cannot go NC. (There are business and financial reasons and the fact he now has cancer). I go up and down in my progress and only quite recently have gone onto anti-depressants to help cope with it all. I know I will never be free until he and his narc daughter are out of my life forever. Don't be afraid to use whatever help is offered you. Slowly, you will come through this and you will be all the stronger for it. One day at a time, keep posting - friends here will support you. (((hugs))) Mello

#9 Jul 25 - 11PM

tigger73

This is what I have to say

This is what I have to say about that....when I finally got the balls to leave my abusive N husband after 10 yrs, 3 young kids, I had the most crippling panic attacks, even in the middle of the night, in the middle of my sleep i would wake up. I HAD to start taking lexapro and xanax AS NEEDED. I still take my lexapro everyday at the same time, and after 2 weeks on it, I finally stopped crying and could tell that my serotonin levels had to have been SO LOW from simply dealing with HIM. If I miss a few doses of it, I feel like a bucket of tears behind my eyes and then I know....."ooops", forgot to take that . IT SAVED ME!!! No, I don't like having to rely on these meds. This crazy N MADE me dependent on this stuff. Without it, I cannot function. They are monsters. I won't be this way forever, but the only way I can even sleep at night is this.......2 tylenol pm, 1 xanax and calcium (calming for the nerves too). Isn't that nice? Do you think this asshole needs anything to get and keep him to sleep????? Nope. I'm sure he doesn't. Because he is not human with real human emotions. Real people with real human emotions feel real pain and have real problems if their nerves are screwed with for 10 years. Now I'm getting angry. I'll stop now. I HIGHLY recommend an antidepressant, even for the time being. I would be a lunatic without it. XOXOXOXO Oh, and I used to be 'normal', just shut my little eyes and go nighty night. These people leave you in a such a state of, I don't even know what to call it, that to hav eto rely on these meds even pisses me off. I won't be this way forever.

#10 Jul 25 - 7PM

agnesmurphy17

Medication

Once I was on Zoloft. It took one month to take effect. It was a miracle. It took the bottom out of my pain. I was still depressed. But the lowest & darkest feelings were gone. And I started to feel hopeful again. One has to be careful about ending. One has to taper off. I do not know what you mean by "anti-anxiety" medication. But, I would be careful about using anything from the "benzodiazepam"--valium, klonopin, lorazepam, diazepam, ativan, & others--family of drugs. These drugs are highly habit-forming and one can become physically dependent within 10 days. One also has to taper off these drugs very slowly. But this is very difficult. I have wondered about how you are doing. Sounds like you are having a hard time still. I honestly believe that your ex-husband is with another woman. And he was lining her up to replace you well before he left you. I'm sorry. But this man is just not worth your sadness. You are so young. Do not waste another moment on this man, that is, longing for him. Think only about you & your future.

#11 Jul 25 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Leah2

agnesmurphy17

Thanks so much for your email. I have actually be on klonopin for about two weeks (prescribed by by doctor), but the psychiatrist was not happy with this and told me that I need to stop taking it. Instead, she gave me lunesta just to help me sleep. It simply did not work! I took lunesta for three nights and was awake all the time. Which may mean that I am already addicted to konopin? In any event, the psychiatrist said that, much as she is not a fan of medicines, she wants me to start zoloft on a mini dose because when I was in her office, I seemed to be struggling so much with accepting what had happened and the sense of being distant (mind fro body) was an indication of PTSD. I have yet to collect the zoloft prescription as I am scared of these awful medicines, and am also feeling stronger (I have about two bad days a week, when I either am tempted to call, actually do call my ex (and get his answering machine) or simply walk around in a daze. Indeed, I wrote him an email today (I am sorry again for breaking NC) while in a flood of tears telling him that I missed him so much :-(( I may give zoloft a try for a while and see if this really helps to stabilize me. The problem is accepting that this has happened. Either way, I should probably stop the klonopin pretty soon, huh? FIVE WHOLE MONTHS and I still believe that he will "get better and come back to me". It is awful to feel this way, not because I am sad all the time (far from it, I have many good moments these days) but inside I am so convinced that we were soul mates (as he managed to brainwash me into thinking) this was the case. I do not know if the medicine will help me with this but the psychiatrist believes that I can not process what has happened as I am still in shock, and the combination of PTSD and grieving is too much for my mind to handle. Regarding your point about there being another woman, I am pretty confident that there is not (who knows, we are on other sides of the Atlantic) but whatever the case, I am simply not able to forget him or imagine anyone else coming into my life. I am not able to stop loving him. How does one do that?? I hope that you are well, and again thank you for all your concern!

#12 Jul 26 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

agnesmurphy17

Another Woman

Who tells you there is NOT another woman? Somebody who actually knows him very well & on a daily basis? Like a roomate whom you can trust? A person who has both access to him & is more loyal to you? Could there be such a person? Mine cried the blues about his DEVASTATION of my abandonment of him. All the time he was with another woman who "made him happier than he ever had been in his life." (Told me the same line.) He had only a month to find a new woman when I told him I was leaving. Their first date was the day before I told him I was moving out--he had a month's notice which he used to find a new woman while he was beging me not to leave. They were an instant couple from the day I left. No kidding. SHe moved into the house I still owned with him (unknown to me) within four months of my leaving him. Even while he was living with her, he was seeking reconciliation with me--got e-mails to show the other woman. ALmost every attempt at reconciliation with me occurred when they had a bad argument & she was threatening to leave him. You see mine is also very secretive. Power is knowledge. I think your's is very secretive as well. He cannot tell you there is another because that will make him responsible for the breakup. Please FORGET this man. He's no good. Nobody disappears like that after 5 years. Very, very creepy. Only "vague" talk. And then he acts like YOU are stalking him! There is something very, very wrong with this man. I was contacted by the woman who followed me after she left him. Really, my ex-N is capable of the most awful things I never would have imagined. Mine is very creepy. A total manufactured mythology. The things I allegedly said & did had no basis in reality -- only made events up to manipulate her into behavior that he wanted or to devalue her in comparision to me. One cannot imagine the layers upon layers upon layers a true psychopath operates. For example. The woman who followed me found out that my ex-N spent his late nights on gay porn websites where anal sex & splatter films were the speciality--I never would have imagined (nor her). When she confronted him, she said he was very, very frightened. I believed that he was working late preparing his courses for the catholic university were he is a tenured professor (I kid not). His excuse was when she discovered these horrible porno sites: "I was doing research into 'human depravity.'" He even admitted the pornography which he watched was depraved! I never knew he was gay & it never occurred to me. But, others have concurred. These guys can really keep a secret & live double & triple & quadruple lives. And this woman & I have only detected a few layers in our comparisons. How many other layers are there out there of which we have no idea? Klonopin. You cannot quit cold turkey. After 14 days of use, you could possibly not sleep with the other drug because you were missing the klonopin. After 10 days of benzo use one can feel anxious if one misses a dose. But there is nothing like a benzo to feel calm & to have a good night's sleep. Google "Ashton Manual." Will tell you everything you need to know about benzodiazepam & how to taper off. Not all doctors agree with Dr. Ashton in England. However, the National Health Plan in England is very opposed to the use of this drug on a dialy basis. Denmark's National Health Plan will no longer allow prescriptions to take the drug home. It is very useful in surgical procedures. It has its uses for short-term emotional crises. It's been around for over 40 years now. It's either not controversial, or it is--depends on who you talk to. My family doctor's practice here in the States will not prescribe. Others will hand the stuff out like candy. Depends on who one talks to. What others complain here about Zoloft, or other drugs in the Prozac family, making one very agitated in the beginning is true. It happened to me for only 2-3 days with zoloft. But, one time I took prozac & that made me absolutely crazy & I stopped after 3 days. So I suppose that's the luck of the draw. But, if it finally kicks in, these "serotonin" drugs can offer real relief. There is a taper but one does not feel it. One can go cold turkey without any physical discomfort. The thing that might happen is a rebound depression.

#13 Jul 26 - 1AM (Reply to #5)

girlfriday

I really feel for you. :-(

I really feel for you. :-( When the rug gets pulled out from underneath you and you have nothing but confusion and unanswered questions, it's torturous. I really wish people would stop feeling like they have to apologize for breaking No Contact. What is that? Sorry to us? The last thing you need is guilt. Process. Process. Process. When I first went NC, I has so many unanswered questions. I was obsessed with trying to figure stuff out. I became a full-time, unpaid private detective. I just don't know if that obsessing would have ever abated had I not broken NC and FINALLY gotten answers to my questions. YES! He did have a girlfriend. YES! He did live with her the entire summer he was heavily courting me. Not only that...I found out who it was. This, ironically, was such a relief. I was finally able to stop obsessing and become a productive member of society again. Do what you have to do to heal. No apologies. I really do hope you get answers one day. But if you find that they do not come, then you will eventually make peace with that. In your own time. I wish you the best.

#14 Jul 22 - 5AM

awayfromhim

What you are going through

What you are going through is typical. You will be ok. You will have some difficult sessions but know that they are part of recovering. For your questions: 1. yes, I blamed myself because the N mindfucked me with that crap for years and years. If it rained on his golf game it was my fault for crying out loud. As you move forward this self blame will dissipate. 2. I was not on Zoloft but was on Wellbutrin for awhile. My stores of everything was depleted from dealing with the N. I needed to replenish and the anti-depressant worked for awhile. I slowly tapered off them after I left the marital home and, although still recovering, it isn't necessary for me to be on them now. Also, if you can exercise, do it even if you don't feel like doing it. It helps alot. I've had days where I'm feeling screwed up and I just want to sit on the sofa and eat chocolate but I get up and go out for a walk or run anyway. My thought is to take your psych's suggestion. If it isn't working or you don't feel well, then you try something else.

#15 Jul 22 - 12AM

helldweller

Leah2

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have not taken anything but mild anti-anxiety meds for the narc, but I have taken antidepressants before, and I would say go for it. You are obviously very aware of the potential issues with them, and that is just what you need to be. Just be very aware of how you feel. They are not meant to cure you, but to give you the stability to address the underlying issues. Good luck!

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