MICHELE115/form KGirl

Good morning Michele :) Maybe my advice is a little biased, but I disagree with your thinking because you are blaming yourself. Yes, in a normal relationship, we can take a certain amount of responsibility - which is not the same as blame...blame is the whole enchilada of which you have no business owning. This was not a normal relationship - you were targeted, that makes you a victim, and subject to the actions of a narc which are manipulative and causes us to say and do things we would not normally do under non-disordered circumstances. Hence, when you say: I can't get past blaming myself for what happened. I am compelled to respond, that if you understand the disorder and the techniques they use to trap you...you wer subjected to a number of methods such as: Manipulations, brainwashing, intermittent reinforcement, subjugation, and gaslighting. That combination alone especially when unaware - how could you be responsible for this attack? You were targeted. REMEMBER, this was not a normal relationship...she was on the prowl for supply and she knew what she was doing so how are you to blame for not being aware of exactly what was going on? I think that's why I can't feel very angry about things. I believe, that it's still early, and you are still processing everything, thinking about things and replaying the tapes going back and forth. It hasn't clicked yet. Once it clicks...We'll be here for you. Just keep processing. I know she targeted and pursued me....but I pursued her back. AND...isn't that what happens in relationships? For whatever reason you fell - we've established your human and entitlted to mistakes - but you had no way of knowing what or whom you were dealing with. In the last year of our relationship, I could feel the downward spiral and I tried so hard to make things work....and I pursued her much more than she pursued me. Because YOU were attached which is what happens in a relationship - remember she is/was detached but her mission was to get you attached as that is the way she secures her supply. SO if you read up on intermittent reinforcement, this I believe is the dynamic that causes us to up the ante and want more even when we're getting crumbs, after a while we become "trained" through their techniques. They give a crumb, it feels good, our chemicals react to it - the feel good chemicals, we feel more balanced, then they abruptly withdraw...so quite naturally we want the good feelings back so we try harder to get them back...it's almost like pavlov and the dogs...this is what happens in these relationshps. They fear intimacy, and so no matter what, they will do just enough to hook you but then pull away. This is the Mind 'eff or what they call crazymaking behaviour. I had no right to ask anything of her because she is married....she is right that I had no rights and shouldn't have expected so much from her. If I were to agree to this, then I need to know then how is it justified that she wanted and demanded so much of you? Does a normal relationship not go both ways? Didn't someone say they loved and needed you? How does it work one toe in one toe out? You had to be there for her while she....? I gave her SO much....my heart, my love, so much of my free time, very thoughtful gifts, money, favors.....and she is right that she never asked me for all of that. But she took it with no problem! Exactly!...so is this not inconsistent behavior? Mixed messages? Disordered behaviour. What does an ethical person do? WHAT would a real friend do? Wouldn't a real friend level? Let's say someone was head over heels with you but you didn't quite feel the same and they were offering all these things, wouldn't you just on principal level and say: I really appreciate and flattered but I can't reciprocate so I don't feel it's fair? Maybe go halves on the trip if you liked eachother's company but do your share? What share did she give? I think I am left feeling like maybe I was stupid and pursued someone who wasn't available and maybe she tried to tell me that and I didn't listen. Someone unavailable would not be engaging in the parts that benefitted her at all...she was available...she was available to USE you...and then flip the script. She manipulated and used you. This is what you need to wrap your head around. So these are my doubts :( So what are you thinking now? I feel so good when I'm on this board and reading and sharing and talking to you.....but when I am left alone with my own thoughts....the doubts come creeping back in. ~KG It's part of the process KG...if you have time, there are the vets and there are the newbies...go back some and read some of the older members posts...you can see all our convuluded thinking...mine go back to late september, I can speak for myself...I was a basket case, but all of us were lost in the abyss...it is part of the process and I hung on to the board for dear life. I have to say that other than times when I felt really triggered, I did not miss a day. They say it takes eighteen months. Now, understand, everyone goes through their recovery differently, but I can say that the board did comfort me during those early days. When I felt strong enough, rather than needing "help" although I haven't ruled out that maybe I will still need support as part of my recovery - but today, rather than being a victim, I can help others through the process...but that is a testament to GROWTH and recovery of which I can assure you that this is all normal, and there will come a time when you feel soooo much better. Hugs!

Keep repeating this: SHE IS AN ASSHOLE. She is married...she should have said no. You might feel culpable for a degree of what happened, but you can't take full blame for HER choices. She enjoyed the attention, gifts, etc. Who ASKS for attention and gifts? ''I didn't ask for that.'' No one asks for gifts...that's why they are called GIFTS. She is a quintessential mind game player. Honestly, put a goatee on her...and give her some muscles, she'd be my ex. I am so very sorry. You are not to blame for HER bad behavior. Even if you erred...her playing mean FB games with your head is on her. She's mean. Narcs are mean. Hateful. Because they loathe themselves. They need people like you and me to supply them with value. Of course, that's impossible and hopeless in the long run. I too needed something from the narc. But, how we differ is that I was kind. Loving. Nurturing. They begin this way, only as a facade...to eventually turn into the narcs they truly are. I pray you stay NC, and don't succomb to her guilt trips. STAY AWAY FROM FB!!! I hate FB. I really do. It is evil, in and of itself. But, that's another story. lol