messed up over a phone call

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#1 Jul 10 - 12PM
Brooke1
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messed up over a phone call

I stayed with my boyfriend long after i could already see that things were hopeless because i somehow couldnt let go. I dreaded weekends with him, and his phone calls but kept seeing him and talking to him.Then a friend gave me an idea. He said, "Why dont you just take a 2 week break from him and let the fog clear a little?" I thought "sure, 2 wks isnt that long", so i did. I went through some ups and downs but was mostly doing okay.Then at the end of the 2 wks when he called, i told him that i still wasnt ready to see him.I guess this backing-off thing started more than a mo ago.
Then when his brother came to pick up his things that i had in storage, somehow i felt sad, because it represented closure.So i called and left a messege on his phone saying i with things werent like this between us, and that i was sad.He called later that night, said he was having a hard time too and happy to hear from me.He said maybe he would try to swing by and see me the next day.But the way he went on talking about what he's been doing in his life, and the way he sounded so casual about maybe dropping by set me off because he didnt sound desperate to see me.Also, he still wasnt saying sorry for anything.So i called, left another messege (he lost his cel but apparently is still able to check messeges) saying that im not ready for contact yet.I thought i was.....so i didnt hear from him and i was then okay. A week later he calls and says he wanted to know how i was doing.Funny thing though, he talks the whole time and after i say about 1 sentence, he says "okay, well i just called to see how your doing. ill talk to you later" (his ph calls are always like that). The phone call really messed me up somehow.He appologized for calling and breaking the n/c thing, then said at the end "I would like to call you every once in a while if thats okay". For some reason i said okay. Its been a week and he hasnt called. I dont know why this throws me off so much.Theres no hope for the relationship i know that, but this is so sad. And im glad he's okay cause when i first started to think about leaving him, i was worried about him. But now that it seems like he's fine, and not desperate to contact me (especially since its his fault the relationship died), i feel bad in a different way.I feel lost when i think of a future without him. But if he was to come over today, i think ide regret it within the first few minutes...this is sad and confusing.Why did that phone call mess me up? Im trying to figure out why, and how to undo it.We were so nice to each other on the phone, but maybe i shoulve been honest and said "this casual contact is not okay! This is sad! I wanted all or nothing! How could you be so indifferent and watch the relationship die?!"

Jul 10 - 4PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

There's an old but good

There's an old but good saying... *we teach people how to treat us* I'll never forget this saying. We tell people through our acceptance of inappropriate behavior that it's ok to treat us like that. Let this guy go. He wants one foot in...(the calls that say, hey just was wondering how you are) and one foot out...Your life on HIS terms. It's time to take control of your own life. Love isn't desperate by the way. There should be none of this push and pull in a normal, loving relationship. So the fact that it exists, tells me it's something you should let go of. When we are left confused, sad, injured...that's not love. It's called being in a relationship with a narcissist. Hang in there. Stay NC. It's hard...but, ignore this man, and let him go. Pray for him to have a blessed life, but you need to move forward. Good luck and God bless you!
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
Brooke1
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Deidre40

thankyou
Jul 10 - 3PM
girlsinger
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freedom 101

Hi There what a wonderful heartfelt insightful post you are doing it...look at you! I just love to read this be blessed K
Jul 10 - 3PM
Freedom101
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It's a process

For myself, I really had to accept that it had to be a total nothing stage and have total NC. It took over two years to be able to say okay, I'm done and I don't need or want to hear from you anymore. We've left the ball in my court. If I decide I want to talk to him, I will do the calling. If we'd left it open ended (which I tried many times) then I'd get that phone call and wonder when I'd hear from him again, or, I'd make that phone call and a. he wouldn't answer, so I'd worry he wouldn't call me back, or b. he would answer and then I'd wonder when I'd hear from him again. I hated that feeling of always being in a state of mind that I was left hanging and waiting. I'd go through all the scenarios in my head about how pulling away will make him want me, stay cool cos I'm not attractive when I'm clingy, don't push too hard cos I'll push him away. I wasn't ready to say to myself it's finally over, so I clung to him by pulling away to try and find my sanity and give him what I thought he wanted but each contact took my sanity away again. I've read on here for quite some time as I've pulled away for the last time. It's been about three months of NC and although I think of him in quiet moments and lament some of the times we had together (as I forget many of the bad) it has gotten easier. I know I can never have contact with this man again and really with each passing week my desire to disrupt my emotional well being by making any contact diminishes. This whole phone call thing is a strange phenomenon when you think about it. I have relationships with lots of people, male and female. They are all my friends and sometimes I won't hear from individuals for weeks at a time. I never sit brooding in my room thinking, damn, I just gave them the power by calling them and now they're not calling back and conversely, I never sit thinking, I have the power now because I didn't call them back. It doesn't feel that way at all, but it totally did with the narc. I believe for them they are also not thinking about power after we have called. They don't care and the reason they're not calling back quickly or within a week etc., isn't because they are trying to control us, it's because they're just not thinking about us. When we do enter their minds (such as when they had a bad day or they feel low and lonely) then they pick up the phone, but it isn't because they want to talk to us, it's to make themselves feel better. I believe the day we can say we can call them and don't care if they call us back or not and don't worry about power, is the day we're over it, and until that day, best thing to do is not to call. I just don't want to go down that road again and recognize now time has passed how absolutely unhealthy he was for me and my kids and how I really had a lucky escape that he was the one who couldn't commit. I would have totally messed up our lives had he wanted to be with us. The last time I was with him and sitting in the passenger seat of his car as he drove down the street, I had this thought..Oh God, I'm the one with him - not his first two wives or numerous girlfriends. I'm the one sitting here struggling and suffering trying to make this impossible relationship work. What does that say about me? It said, I was dysfunctional and that the other women who were no longer with him had learned something that I hadn't. I hadn't won a prize that they had passed up. They'd been unceremoniously driven away and treated like crap and had all made the wise decision to get out. I recognized that day I needed to save myself and let him go. No phone calls, no hoovering, no peeking, no nothing. It's done. Time to find my own life and live it to the best of my ability with or without someone. For now, without because I have a mess in my head to clean up after the last three years of f'ed up head games.
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
ruby01 (not verified)
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Freedom101

I want to agree with you that they don't call because they are not thinking about it but if they weren't giving it some sort of thought then why don't they just pick up the phone when you call or call you back sometime later. If it wasn't thought about by them then they would just answer. Instead at that moment in time I think they very deliberately ignore your call and don't call you back because they want to hurt you. I'm not convinced that it is because they are not thinking about you. A normal person would call back or answer because that's what we do to enjoy a friends conversation or if you don't like the person you answer it and provide closure. They get enjoyment out of doing the opposite.
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Freedom101
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Ruby..

I think they don't pick up for the simple reason they don't want to. You've got to remember we're dealing with very shallow people here. The thought we put into all these things are mind blowing and we attribute the narcs with rationales that I think a lot of times they're not capable of or just couldn't be bothered to even think about. One time I received the silent treatment for a week after an argument. I called a few times and he didn't answer. Finally, after a week he called me back after an email I sent saying if he isn't going to speak to me then I'm done. I asked him why he hadn't talked to me in a week and he answered it just that way. He said, I just didn't want to. He wasn't punishing me or getting power over me. He was mad at me, he was upset because I was mad at him and that made him feel bad, he didn't want to get into it and talk about it anymore, he didn't want to deal with anything, so he just didn't pick up the phone because he didn't want to. Have you never picked up the phone when somebody rang because you just didn't want to speak to them. I have. I'm not punishing them or anything. I just don't want to talk to them at that moment in time for one reason or another. That's how I see them. I don't see him as playing a game. They're much more likely to pick up the phone after a month or so when they think everything has blown over and it's business as usual, but when it's in the stage of make up/break up I think it's too much stress for them to take all these deep conversations that they can't handle. They don't know how to respond because they don't have the tools so they run and hide and don't respond.
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Brooke1
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they run and hide

LOL (those little moles)
Jul 10 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Brooke1
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Freedom 101

Wow, i hope i get to the stage where you are.As hard as that part is to hear about why he hardly calls now...i feel like thats the sad truth.He just isnt even thinking of me. I wish he would have not told me he misses me and all that because part of me believes it and starts feeling guilty for ending it, but if he missed me and loved me so much, wouldnt he have been on my doorstep a long time ago--crying and asking what he can do to fix our relationship? I never understood him and his contradictory behavior. I felt like he had checked-out of the relationship emotionally long before i walked away.He denies it. He kept coming to see me on wkends and calling daily, but i could feel that he had no spark for me anymore.Sometimes i felt like he even despised me or something. His nice words make it very hard for me to heal and make sense of things. He swore up and down that he was in love with me, but didnt desire me physically (which he denied). And said i meant alot to him, but didnt care to listen to me talk or get to know me as a person. One time when he was trying to fix something, i gave him a hug from behind and was being funny/playful with him...he flung my arm off and pulled-away, and was irritated.And he has never had empathy for me. He was cold to me when my dad had passed away, and took jabs at me instead of being supportive.so i actually had to push him away just to get through the funeral time. That was when he decided to make it about him, and go out on a cocain relapse (again). I was worried sick about him that time, thought he died cause i couldnt get ahold of him for a week.He ruined Christmas and valentines royally, and many other things.He didnt love me, did he.His mom gave him money to take me out for valentines...he spent it on himself (he wasnt on coc at this time)instead.Money isnt important to me but--this is not the actions of a man that loves me, right?
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Freedom101
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Indifferencesucks...

Unlike the narc, I have a great deal of empathy for you. Actually, indifference would be a great thing. The problem with the narcs is they're not indifferent. They're the kings/queens of mixed messages. I still want to talk to you once in a while to make sure you're okay (oh, he must still care about me/I want to have you on hand if I'm bored or feeling insecure) I will always love you (oh gosh, he still loves me even after all my nutty crazy behaviour, so I'm not a total idiotloser after all/I will always think about you and need you when I'm bored or feeling insecure) I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt (awww, poor guy just doesn't trust because he's been hurt by all those other meanynasty women who called him horrible names, I'll be different/She'll try harder if I say this and I can put forth less effort) I will always think about you (maybe there's hope for the future, maybe we'll get back together because he does care about me/I will always think about you when I'm bored or lonely) I had many friends say to me, if he loved you he wouldn't say and do the things he did and he certainly wouldn't let me out of his sights to find somebody else. The token signs of affection just keep us hanging around as a just in case for them but without concurrent actions they mean nothing. If they really cared they'd be with us. I know it's common sense, but when you're in the quagmire of breakup sadness it's hard to hear it loud and clear. It's a mind game on us by them. How can they keep us but not have us bother them. How can they have us on their terms only. It's not a mutual relationship. It is parasitic like has been mentioned on here. They suck us dry when they need us and then discard us when they're full. It's sick. Empathy! Lordy, the stories I have to tell about lack of empathy would make your head spin. Suffice it to say, whenever I needed him when something major and dramatic happened in my life, all I got was a whole lot of nothing, a whole lot of inappropriate rubbish spewing from his mouth because he had no idea how to empathize so would just say the most ridiculous thoughtless things, and a whole lot of confusion and sadness. Here is one example of the lack of empathy toward one of his friends (and there were worse than this with me). He is on a tennis team where they play five matches against another team. One of his tennis buddies had been motorcycling with his brother. The brother had a terrible accident with a car and it was thought he wouldn't survive. As the narc told me this on the phone I was shocked and asked questions, where is he now, what type of injury, etc. He had no idea because he doesn't ask those questions cos he doesn't have the ability to care. All he was concerned about was the tennis game the next day and whether the guy who was his team member was going to show up cos they might lose without him. I was shocked at his attitude and expressed this, and it wasn't the first time I'd seen this and certainly wouldn't be the last...and yet, I stayed with him. That says more about me than him in my mind. I'm the one who has empathy, common sense and is rational and yet throughout the course of my relationship with this guy, I chose to ignore everything about him I knew was wrong in order to maintain the relationship. The end of this comes when you decide to face your own fears whatever they may be. The narc is our security blanket too and we use them also to plug whatever dysfunction is wrong with us. You'll get there. Your journey has begun. Mine journey took forever with much sobbing and a great deal of incredulity from my friends as I kept going back over and over and over again. Three years is a long time when I knew from the first contact something didn't seem right. Don't beat yourself up for going back or breaking contact. Each time you do it you learn something new and then one day you will decide my life is better without them than with them and the choice is much easier.
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Brooke1
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Freedom101

i shouldve known how shallow he was/that he was using me a long time ago. its amazing what wishful thinking can do.
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture

Freedom101

Thankyou,that makes alot of sense.What stood out to me was"The token signs of affection keep us hanging around as s just-incase for them but without concurrent actions they mean nothing." And yes, i was wondering about that "If he was so crazy about me, he shouldnt let me out of his sight to find somebody else." I know its common for women to want to believe the N loved/loves them, but for me its gotten to the point where its more comfort to hear it confirmed that he doesnt. Thats why i made sure the last time that i saw him was when he was rude and cold to me. It helps me move on by reminding me that im not leaving love behind. All of your responses are much appreciated, thankyou.