mellypop's story

New.....my story. support needed

can someone give me insight or help even? 

I met my husband 11 years ago after a month we were engaged. He was amazing the only person in my life I ever had that made life exciting. I felt unstoppable wanted and needed. adored even. then we got pregnant after 3 months with our first child. That's when it all changed. It went from a world of happy to a struggle fight. He put me down. made me feel unimportant. I was never skinny enough or good enough. He did what he wanted and I wasn't allowed to disagree or it would start a fight. I was made to feel I was bipolar. He told me he would never marry me or get me pregnant again because I was so moody and a bitch who made him miserable. Needless to say I got pregnant accidentally and for his sake I got on antidepressants so I would be "normal". This went to him still living his own life. doing what he wanted and leaving me at home alone with the kids because he hated coming home to such a tyrant for a good 5 years. I left him in 2010 because he was having an online affair because he said he couldnt talk to me and he convinced me to go to marriage therapy. Well we did and he was once again the amazing man he had been. he had reasons for why he was so hateful he said he was just frustrated and didn't express his true frustrations. And so me roped back in I married him in 2011 four months later he started his online looking again. I was blind to this for a year until I started picking up on things. He was caught in many lies. some small stupid lies some big. he said white lies are healthy for a marriage he said a therapist said this. I found out he stole naked photos off his secretarys phone and he said he thought he had a sex problem. I was ready for a divorce. then low and behold he came over to see the kids and roped me back in. We are now back in counseling but the therapist wants two sessions with just me that I will start next week. He has made me feel crazy. I've thought I have borderline personality disorder or when i thought he was cheating and he denied it a paranoia disorder not to mention me believing I am the narcissist   I can not even express my emotions to him without him saying I'm making him feel guilty or inferior or attacking him when in all reality I just want to purge my emotions. We get along fine unless I express hurt or concern. I don't work due to our son has leukemia. He will not put me on his bank account. I have nothing. the house isn't even in my name. he says "you know if we split up I'd take of you" but I don't trust him.  He cant be intimate with me unless hes drunk because he says hes too stressed and if hes drunk he doesnt think about work and when we do have sex i feel like a whore afterwards. Its far from a making love. Ive been in trouble for a deer running out in front of me and me hitting it. Left to go to hospital alone when i thought i was miscarrying because his work was more important mind you he owns his own buisness. cut off from sex for 8 weeks because he said he wasnt sexually attracted to me because i gained weight. I never hear positive only negative and thats if i get any feedback at all. I'm at a loss. I realize it will not work and I have lost my will to fight to even try to make it work I just don't even know where to begin. 
thanks for reading. I'm just lost I don't even know who I am anymore