MelloMix's Story

Hi all
It’s good to be in a place of understanding. Sorry, this is quite long.
I am 18 months out of 19 year relationship with N. I have greatly educated myself on this disorder since I began finding answers a few weeks prior to my finally leaving the nutjob.
I belonged to another survivor site for quite a while which became evidently unsupportive because I am not NC and cannot go NC yet for reasons I will explain later. This site feels realistic and non-judgemental. I absolutely know that ‘Bye Bye’ and NO CONTACT is the best way forward, but this is impossible for me at the moment.
N is my second husband.
He, of course, was my soul mate! I was so LUCKY he picked ME! He was kind, generous, popular, the hub of everything, handsome, life and soul of the universe and the complete opposite of my first husband (who was like living with a six year old and definitely had problems, but that’s another story).
We were both married at the time. Something I’m not proud of to this day – but I can honestly say that once I fell under his spell wild horses would not have kept me from him. ME! The woman who had always proclaimed that to get involved with a married man was despicable. But life’s not like that is it?
He was my prince, and I would prove to everybody this was meant to be. They would all see the love he had for me and I for him. It was meant to be. After all, he had told me that his wife and he led separate lives – she just neglected him and got on with her own thing – so I was probably doing her a favour, wasn’t I?
Any way, I won’t go into all the gory details of our 19 years ‘together’ (10 married). Suffice to say that I had my share (as you all know only too well) of the crazy making nonsense – the D & D’s, lack of affection/intimacy, sulking, rages, treading on egg shells, the arrogance, the attention seeking, the boasting and exaggeration, the lies, the distortions, the public charm, the private reality.
But I would particularly like to connect with others who have suffered N using his daughter to triangulate the relationship.
It sounds to the casual onlooker a lot like ‘wicked stepmother syndrome’ or plain old mutual jealousy.It’s not.
SD was 12 going on 13 when I met N. It would appear the two of them had always been joined at the hip. I believe it was even causing problems in N’s previous marriage. She didn’t appear to have many friends and hung about with N whenever possible.
He ensured she had every toy/gadget/latest fad etc she asked for and never limited her with food and sweets. SD was considerably overweight even at 12 years old.
Now, I understand that a 12 year old isn’t going to take kindly to a new woman in her father’s life, taking his attention.
When we met, my children were 15 (Girl) 12 (Boy) and 4 (Girl). N also has a son who was 5, whom I’ve always got on really well with and do to this day – he’s now 25.

When N first left his matrimonial home, the plan was for him to move in with me, which he did.
That lasted only about 3 weeks. He was (apparently) distraught with guilt about leaving his kids, very depressed and could barely tolerate my children. This period was wrought with arguments and upsets all engineered by N, ending with him going to live with his mum, saying it was finished between us.
Meanwhile I had ended my marriage and could not expect to keep my home as I could not afford the mortgage repayments on my own. I had expected N and I would be together.
A short time passed, maybe a week or so, and N reappeared. We rekindled our relationship with him visiting me of and on. My house was due to be sold. During this period of about 3 months, N would sometimes bring his kids at weekends to stay. (He had them every Wednesday and every other weekend – if he didn’t have them for the weekend, he would see them 2/3 times in the week)
I remember him having a go at my eldest two quite a bit for various things. It was after he banned D15 from using the phone and forbidding me from giving her money for the public phone box, she ended up staying at her friend’s house for approx 1 week and then she moved in with my sister.
Looking back I am appalled I ever let this happen. N had told me he would be there to support me with my kids. I had told him the eldest two were not ‘easy’ kids. He talked about how he had been a youth leader and that he would help me with them (their dad had never taken an interest). I trusted him with the ‘tough love’ stance). My own family had been telling me for years that I should be stricter on them. I trusted N’s judgement.
He would also have ‘play-fights’ with S12 which at the time I assumed was his attempt at bonding with him. The ‘play-fights’ would often end in S12 being hurt although, of course, N didn’t mean it!
God, I’ll never forgive myself for subjecting my kids to that man for so long.
During this time I remember we went on holiday taking all the kids except my eldest D.
I was shocked from the word go on this holiday at the amount of stuff N allowed his children (and mine because they were there) to have. There were no limits to what they had, what they did, what time they stayed up till. I felt powerless to say anything because I had learned by then N does not take kindly to any form of criticism.
Just before we left to come home, SD said to me, ‘I’m sitting in the front on the way back – Dad said I could.’ (we had a minibus with 3 seats in front – but we had agreed – adults in front, kids in back).
I said, ’No, sorry but it’s kids in the back’.
She said, ‘I can, my dad said so.’
I spoke to N, reminding him of our rule. He didn’t like having to tell her no, you’ll have to stay in the back. He sulked and she sulked the whole way home, (except when we stopped at the garage for bagfuls of sweets and ice-creams).
When we arrived home, I was quiet, reflecting on what a totally shocking holiday I had found it.
N said, ‘What’s wrong?’
I said, in a calm, rational and intentionally gentle voice, ‘N, I really think you are spoiling your kids, and it’s not good for them.’
I shiver when I recall his reaction. It was World War 3. He absolutely raged,
‘How DARE you say I spoil my kids?’
He banged and slammed around the house, collecting anything he owned in a terrible rage and said it was over with me. He went back to his mum’s.
Because the council deemed I was making us deliberately homeless (although I lost money on the house), they would not re-house us straight away.
I went to live with my sister along with my 2 youngest, which in the end was only for about 2 months. During this time, N continued to take me out once or twice a week – to get his jollies!
He was living with his mum. When he had his kids for the weekend, he would allow SD, then 13, to sleep in the double bed with him. When I realised this I advised him that wasn’t wise as N and his ex were battling through a bitter divorce and he was fighting for joint custody. I must admit, I felt very uneasy about it anyway.
I was re-housed eventually, and my eldest daughter (thank God) came back home. The house was in dire need of decorating which I did myself – saved up and bought carpets etc.
N was to-ing and fro-ing from his mums. He often stayed with me and would bring his kids for weekends etc. He never contributed financially except when he brought his kids and he would buy some shopping.
N’s S5 and my D4 – being the ‘little ones’ paired up and played together ok – my D15 was often out with her friends, my S12 stayed mainly in his room on his PC/games – SD clung to N. If we went shopping, SD came. If we went out for the night – SD came.
I understood at that time she was just a child. I tried and tried to ‘break through’ with her but it was always a stone wall. Looking back I can see he encouraged her in this.
A few months after this, N was allocated a one-bedroomed flat. He always indicated to me it wasn’t so much that he wanted a flat – but he was entitled to it through a divorced person’s scheme, so he was having it. I don’t blame him for that.
I remember N and SD going down to B & Q/homebase to buy paint, wallpaper, duvets and all sorts of sundries – all chosen by SD (then 14) for ‘her and her dad’s place’. I was never included or consulted about any of it.
The next 4 or 5 years were spent with N going backwards and forwards between my house and the flat. Sometimes he would bring his kids to mine, but that almost always ended up in an argument.
SD would ‘engineer’ scenarios to cause friction because she wanted to be in the flat with N – without me or my children.
Whilst N was in his flat he cultivated a friendship with both the single mum who lived above him and another single woman 2 doors away. Being MR WONDERFUL that he is, he was always on hand to fix fuses, change light bulbs, mow lawns etc etc. I don’t believe there was any sex going on (because he’s ‘not good’ in that department and he wouldn’t want anyone to find out) but his aim – in fact his hobby – was to make women want him. Give them enough to think ‘yeah, I’m in with a chance’ then just keep stringing them along in glee! He was – is – very, very good at it. I doubt they even knew he had a long term girlfriend.
I remember we planned a romantic weekend at the flat (all the kids were with their other parents).
I asked him to do one thing for me and that was to change the bed-sheets (knowing a man would not necessarily think of it, and also knowing SD had been sleeping in that bed!)
He cooked me a nice meal, I had a bath and climbed into the bed. You’ve guessed it – the sheets were not changed. You can smell and sense when sheets are clean.
I said, ‘You didn’t change these sheets.’
He said, ‘DOES IT MATTER? YOU’RE ONLY MOANING BECAUSE IT’S SD.’
I went home – weekend ruined.
Yes, she was sleeping in the double bed – do not know to this day if he was in there with her.
I feel pretty sure there would never have been incest – not suggesting that – but still find it very sick as this was when she was 14 – 17.
As time went on N’s relationship with SD was as close as ever. She would constantly be making arrangements for him to take her shopping or for lunch etc, If he had to go on an errand he would ring her to see if she wanted to come ‘for the ride’. If I dared ask why doesn’t she spend more time with her friends like other girls her age, I would get the ’GLARE’ and, ‘She likes my company. YOU need to get over the JEALOUSY’. Case closed.
When she left school, she got a part time job as a carer – visiting people’s houses.
She would get N to pick her up from wherever it was because ‘I don’t want to walk home in the dark’ any excuse to get his attention– and she made him buy her a mobile phone which he did without question because ‘she might need me urgently.’
On another occasion, I had bought N a really nice shirt for Christmas – everyone admired it. I made the comment, ‘You can wear that to SD’s 18th.’ The party was planned for the end January.
Next day SD made him buy another shirt to wear for her party.
I asked him which shirt he intended to wear. He shouted, ’SD’s. Does it matter? ‘
It did to me. I loathed this power struggle (which I never had a hope of winning).
We argued again. N told SD all about it because the next thing is N said to me, ‘SD doesn’t want you at her party.’
I had then been his partner for 6 years. The party had been booked and paid for with OUR money. He allowed this to happen and went off to the party without me.
I actually decided to finish with N on this occasion. I told him he could have the business (which I had set up and did all the administration for)
He came back about a week later practically begging me to stay with him. I said I’d finally had enough – couldn’t cope with any more drama and didn’t want to be involved in his weird relationship with his daughter any more.
He said, ‘Are you going to let her win then?’
That was the first indication I had ever had that she could in any way be at fault. I felt there might yet be hope for us. I agreed to give it another go.
I now realise what N said was wrong on every level. He put ALL the blame on SD – none on himself. He also was encouraging ‘competition’ in that statement AND suggesting it was in MY power to stop her doing anything.
Shortly after that, we found out that SD had got herself into £13,000 of debt on credit cards and loans since leaving school. She’d bought TV’s, Audio equipment, clothes, and loads of other stuff she couldn’t afford. She would also lavish piles of Christmas presents on N while giving me a ‘token’ item. I wasn’t bothered about ‘getting’ anything – I don’t like any of the kids spending too much money on us – but she made it obvious how she felt.
We ended up lending her £10,000 from a re-mortgage we got on our house.
I will say at this point that that I did make efforts over the years to befriend SD, but she always made it clear it was her dad she wanted and woe-betide anyone getting in the way. I don’t even think it was personal – it could have been anyone. And I have never said a cross word to her.
SD eventually met someone to marry. The cost of the wedding was extracted from us bit by bit. The dress, the hall, the transport, almost everything.
We helped SD and her husband get a flat. Eventually she wanted to move to a house. She bought the flat for £54,000 and sold it for £95.000. I assumed she would pay the £10,000 back from the profit – she hadn’t paid a penny so far.
She said to me, ‘If I pay back the £10,000 I won’t be able to get the house I want.’
I said it would need to be paid. She bought the house and never paid the money back. I ended up insisting she take a loan out to pay it back. She did this reluctantly. N would not have made her pay it back. He didn’t like me making her do it either.
I could go on and on with incidents that have happened over the years, but the crux of it is that N and his daughter have a relationship like that of man and wife in that she knows on a day to day basis what he is doing – what time he is free and obviously knows about any arguments/disagreements we have had. Now that she has 2 children, she has the leverage to pull him away even more. She doesn’t want anything to do with me or my children/grandchildren.
She married a very weak man who is no match for N & SD – though he puts up with it because of the money she gets out of it.
Anyway, I’d finally had enough of it all and Dec 2008 I moved out.
I now understand so much more about what I was actually living with.
The reasons I cannot yet go NO CONTACT are that I am in a business partnership with N that would be extremely difficult to split. We both depend on this business for a living.
I probably would have tried to find some answer to the (very complex) problem of splitting the business had it not been for N suffering from cancer.
He had had the first brush with it 18 months before I left – and as far as we knew he was clear. We had more or less forgotten about it. Six months after I left he had a recurrence, then another one a couple of months ago. Each time this happens it sends me into a tail-spin. Despite my certain knowledge that he never loved me, just used me – all the feelings come rushing back and all I want to do is look after him. Other times I just want him to die so that I can finally get on with my life. Then I feel like a wicked person. It’s hard trying to deal with all these mixed emotions. My doctor has put me on anti-depressants. I have high pressure (which I’ve never had in my life before) and still can’t sleep well with all of it going around my head. There are also financial reasons why I don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ too much at present. Neither of us has ever mentioned divorce and neither has another partner. N has been getting his supply by running around being Mr Super Hero to all and sundry since we split.
I know there’s nothing much anyone can say to me at the moment – it’s just a time to get through, I guess, but it’s nice to be in a place of understanding and it would be nice to get some feedback re the daughter (who I believe is also narcissistic) and also whether anyone has dealt with a ‘dying’ N.
Thank you for reading.