me_at_last's story

I have been happily married to a non-N for almost 6 years now. During that time, I have still had problems with the N making advances and then avoiding me, telling me that it is just too hard to be around me since he can't have me. Mostly, he has been nasty to me - talking to me just enough to get me to talk, then avoiding me, etc... I hate that I actually seem to NEED him to still want me or be nice to me. I used to tell myself that it was just revenge, but I actually NEED him to be nice to me. I CRAVE the way he can make me feel when he is nice to me. And I HATE that he makes me feel so incredibly horrible about my entire being - to the point that I perceive myself as a complete failure in everything - when he is mean to me. He recently moved away (again, which is another story typical of the N)and I was ecstatic - I felt like I had my life and my town back.

So why the sudden problem again? The N was recently diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer. Unbelievably, it wasn't until this that I realized that he was truly an N and was able to look back at all the abuse and all the years and understand what happened.

The reason I realized this is because, for years I have been the bad guy. I who gave and gave am the bad guy so it was very hard for me to contact him when I heard about the cancer, but I absolutely had to. It was killing me thinking of him trying to deal with this. He acts so tough but I had seen how vulnerable he could be in the past (after he showed vulnerability, he would be even more hurtful and abusive to me) but I had seen it and I was really worried about how he would respond to this. So I contacted him a few times.

If I acted totally aloof and not really interested, he would go on and on about treatment and his illness and everything else (which is also a pattern with him) but when I acted interested, he would just be mean. He actually told me he didn't want to talk because "people do this to him all day long" (bother him, as if everybody else caused his cancer). I can guarantee he would never tell anybody else this and sure as hell expects people to be having fundraisers and supporting him in that way.

So, I know I look like a horrible person for refusing to attend fundraisers for him (I supported him financially for so long that I had to file bankruptcy and still have his bills in my name)and now I refuse to contact him to see if he needs anything.

I was so happy to find this message board because I know that I could have easily been sucked back in because of his illness (and actually had a brief period of OMG how can I live if he doesn't). I also know I must look like a monster for choosing this time to completely cut ties. I am there for his brother who I am good friends with but do not feel I can be there for him at all. As is also typical with Ns though, he has lots and lots of people who think he is the greatest person ever (including two of my brothers) so he will never be alone.