Maybe i am a crap

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#1 Nov 19 - 1AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Maybe i am a crap

Maybe i am a crap. No man loves me thats why i let narc abused me for a good 3 years. ST all the time and i would still try to go back. Almost 4 months out. I felt like a woman that is unloveable, unattractive.

Sumiko

Nov 21 - 10AM
Anari
Anari's picture

Are you kidding me? YOU ARE

Are you kidding me? YOU ARE NOT CRAP. Stop it. Stop listening to the BS and devaluing yourself. You are a gift. Don't let anyone make you feel that way! Okay Sweetie.
Nov 21 - 6AM
BlueMist
BlueMist's picture

Sumiko

Aretha Franklin sings it: ''There was a rose I knew, I met her once or twice before She was a pretty sweet thing, not the least bit insecure Then you came with your slick game and played with her youth Ashamed of the way you lied, played with the truth, hey, hey Mmm, she never knew what hit her Steal her honey, then forget her A rose She wears a flower Tryin’ to forget about you ‘Cause a rose is still a rose Baby, girl, you’re still a flower He can’t lead you and then take you Make you and then break you Darlin’, you hold the power Now believe me when I tell you that I’ve been hurt myself When he tells you that he loves you and sees nobody else And now you’re so tough tryin’ to wear tight clothes and things Tossin’ and flossin’, tryin’ to fill the void heartbreak brings Oh…oh…yeah When she faces the mirror, yeah She’s cryin’, you can’t hear her Now the rose is still a rose She wears a flower, tryin’ to forget about you ‘Cause a rose is still a rose Baby, girl, you’re still a flower He can’t lead you and then take you Make you and then break you Baby, girl, you hold the power Let your life be in the sunshine Not the darkness of your sorrow You may see your all today When you know it’ll come tomorrow Tough to be, but life ain’t over Just because your man is gone Girl, love yourself and love to love ‘Cause without him your life goes on Without him your life goes on Without him your life goes on ‘Cause a rose is still a rose Baby, girl, you’re still a flower He can’t lead you and then take you Make you and then break you Baby, girl, you hold the power SUMIKO, YOU'RE STILL A ROSE
Nov 21 - 8AM (Reply to #24)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Bluemist for the

Thanks Bluemist for the lovely song :)
Nov 19 - 8PM
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

Sumiko, like others have stated, he was successful in

making you feel like crap. Mine put me down all the time. Little hurtful comments. I went to his office, did lots of work for him, even ignoring my own career in favor of helping him. He is wealthy, I am not. I really needed to be concentrating on my own life and finances, but instead, I did everything he asked me to do, because I wanted him to love me. Fetching his lunch from a take-out restaurant, fixing his computer problems, etc. Even asked me to clean the toilet, which I did not do. Seriously, I think I should be treated like a princess for all that I did for him, but instead, I feel like you. A doormat. Crap. We can get through this together. It's all brainwashing from them. And the Narc is so good at it, sometimes we miss the suttle signs of what they are doing to us. Hugs to you :)
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #22)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear CT u did soo much for

Dear CT u did soo much for your ex narcky. I feel your pain. Hugs! Indeed, they brainwashed us. All done so sneakily that u dont even know it was happening. Now we need to undo all these damage. You can do it too!
Nov 19 - 7PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

A narc can take the most

A narc can take the most beautiful, loving and devoted woman in the world and emotionally wreck her then throw her into the garbage. That's what they do. That's ALL they do. It is no reflection on your worth, Sumiko, and I know that you know this deep inside yourself. Hugs, D.
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #20)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear D, inside me its a mess

Dear D, inside me its a mess of twisted comments from narcky. All the "u are good but u are bad" bullshits. Need to purge them out or i cant feel my own soul, buried in the narc's shits.
Nov 19 - 4PM
WiltedRose
WiltedRose's picture

As you become healthier, you

As you become healthier, you will attract better. And it's NOT that "no man loves you"--that sounds so final and hopeless. For whatever reason, you--and all of us here--were an easy target for an asshole. That's the basic truth. And he played with your mind, and your emotions, and twisted you up and then discarded you. OF COURSE it's going to take time to "untwist". And heal. I totally get where you are, emotionally. A woman can't feel strong and beautiful and lovable and worthy after she's been treated like garbage. JUST BECAUSE HE TREATED YOU AS GARBAGE, AS UNLOVABLE, AS "UNWORTHY"--DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE. Don't you dare take his lies and bullshit on as your Truth. You ARE better than that, and if you can't believe it yet, you just trust that the rest of us already know it, and are pulling for you.
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear WR - yes pull me along,

Dear WR - yes pull me along, outa the mud of BS that the narc stuck me in. So much of his BS! So deeply embedded in me that it is coming out only now. I want to thank every kind soul here for pulling me along. Thanks!
Nov 19 - 10AM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Sea

NO NO NO! It's not YOU it's THEM and it WASN'T LOVE! Stay strong you are a good person just like the rest of us, we just got PUNKED in the worst way possible! We live and learn and get stronger, God delivered us from hell now we will move on to bigger and better things in our life! We love because WE can, they CAN'T! Don't let this make you think less of yourself, your beautiful and you will prevail!
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
Sea
Sea's picture

N2K thanks! I need these

N2K thanks! I need these encouragement to move on outa the web. To move along.
Nov 19 - 9AM
Layla
Layla's picture

Beautiful Sumiko- Stop that!!!

Stop that! I agree with all these other ladies! You are buying into the disordered one's bullshit! I remember when you were "new" here and have followed your posts and read your feelings and have seen how you have cheered on others and showed compassion and sympathy for other's pain- YOU are a beautiful, loving and lovable person! And no doubt you own the "hotness factor" because most of these disordered clowns like to think they deserve the best so if you were around any real length of time, you must be pretty good to look at- not as if looks "matter" but you did point out you may be unattractive- I am willing to bet you are faaaaarrrr from unattractive! Start re-writing that tape recorder in your head with some REAL truths about Sumiko! Not this BULLSHIT the abuser projected on to you! love~ Layla
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear layla thanks for your

Dear layla thanks for your lovely post. Yes i need to purge out the assclown's poison. He has poisoned me with bits and pieces of bullshits. He loves to do a fake praise like oh u are pretty and sweet like a STALE DOLL! I got angry he said i cannot take "jokes". He said i am intelligent but pathetic to choose convayencing work over litigation work. He said i am half Japanese so i look exotic but also cos i am a mixed race bastard. Alot of such "jokes" from him, too many over the years! I need to work these out. Out of my system.
Nov 19 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

sea

No you are not CRAP, you have been brainwashed into thinking you are CRAP, by someone who realy is crap, so he projected it on you...ruby is correct, you don't need anyone espically a *man* to validate how you are, after all this man didnt validate you did he?, he made you feel like CRAP, sea, we have to love ourselves first, before we make any changes in our lives....you must know your worth, and practice strict bounderies, we all got sucked in ,and we all paid the price, so now is the time to get our investment back.....validation comes from within, not from some scumbag who cares only for themselves..... if at anytime someone is disrepectful, say to your self i am worth more than this, and you are....
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
Sea
Sea's picture

Yes used, i called him a

Yes used, i called him a scumbag in his face before. He is indeed one. He poison me so deep that these invalidations surfaced even after 4 months. I believe more poison in me to get rid of. I wana purge them out and start restoring my internal balance and start loving myself.
Nov 19 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sea

No way! You are not defined by what any other person thinks of you. Withdraw from trying to get validation through others. That's not the answer. Dig deep and really get to know and love yourself. You have intentionally been made to feel this way by a man who truly is crap. You are owning his feelings about himself. That's the truth.
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Sea
Sea's picture

Ruby u hit the nail i have to

Ruby u hit the nail i have to admit i am so invalidated by ex narcky. I need to get out of that web.
Nov 19 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

Sea, you are so right!

I love what you wrote here. Very true statements. I need to post this in my home somewhere where I can remind myself everyday of your quotes. Thank you! Crazy Train
Nov 19 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Layla
Layla's picture

Right on Ruby!

Well said!
Nov 19 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You know that saying.. " you

You know that saying.. " you are what you eat"? A good thing you changed your diet! 3 yrs with an abuser .. It's going to take time to bounce back.. I kinda like you and I dont talk to losers or crappy people.. Hunter
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks hunter! U have been so

Thanks hunter! U have been so kind to me. Your words have helped me survive all these months. Thank u thank u thank u!
Nov 19 - 6AM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

No, Sea..you`re playing dear

No, Sea..you`re playing dear old tapes in your head. Negative tapes that were inflicted on you too early and made you doubt yourself..when we were children, our parents were the powerful figures in our lives, weren`t they? They were our Gods..if they said, or made us feel wrong, we believed them because we knew no different. BUT now you have a chance, to replace those tapes. When you play them, it hurts doesn`t it? In my life, all my toxic relationships that I seeked on, were with toxic people, that would eventually hurt me. We seek them as we seek those voices from childhood. The difference now is that we do have a choice..nobody should be made to feel worthless, ignorant, or all those things..you`re a beautiful human being, and you DO have a voice.. We have listened so much to the toxic voices, that we have lost our own..but you still have it there somewhere in yourself. Don`t let them win. Hugs to you, GG
Nov 19 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear GG- my childhood was

Dear GG- my childhood was pretty normal. I think i am replaying the ex narcky's toxic tapes. He is so far the most toxic person i have met in my life. Very subtle but enough to poison me from inside. I have normal self esteem, very much a normal woman. He could alter that chemistry. I am trying hard to stop this toxic tape from playing.
Nov 19 - 1AM
empath
empath's picture

sumiko

After spending 3 years with someone who seemed normal at the beginning and showed you over time how abusive and disordered he is, I think it is normal and healthy to doubt yourself and wonder if you did something to "deserve" the poor treatment you received. And that is exactly how the N has programmed you to think, and why you struggled so hard to get strong enough to leave. 4 months NC is not a lot of time away from the relationshit so please be patient with yourself. Please show yourself all the love and compassion that you have and no longer waste on people who cannot accept or reciprocate. It will get better, and you will continue to get stronger. Ask yourself better questions, like "Wwhat can I do right now to make myself feel good?"...watch very carefully the choice of words you use when having internal conversations with yourself. You've been through abuse already, and that is over. Be mindful not to allow it to continue in your thoughts and self talk. Stay strong and stay NC.
Nov 19 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks empath, i shd not be

Thanks empath, i shd not be entertaining such negative thots in my mind. One negative thot leads to another. Gd reminder.