Maya's Story

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#1 Mar 18 - 3PM
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Maya's Story

The Other

When I first met The Other I laughed when he started talking to me. He was short, wearing really odd clothing and had long shaggy hair. I was dressed to the nines, was the slimmest I had ever been, but had just been laid off for the first time in my career and was vulnerable. I was around 42, had some okay relationships but never married. I later realized he likes to target "wallflowers"; lonely, 40-plus women who are successful in their careers but not necessarily in love.

We met at a wine tasting party. The friend who invited me there literally warned me about this guy, but he seemed like fun, no threat and was funny and charming. I got wrapped up in a whirlwind which I can only attribute to being lost about my career and the terrible job market of 2008. I was soon driving 45-minutes in the middle of the day, cooking him dinner and spending nights in his artsy apartment. Every friend I had that met him expressed concern and whenever we went to group events, there was drama. A near fight at a classy party when he said another guest said "fuck you" (no way did that happen), and once when we went to a jazz club with another friend and he and my friend began arguing about books. These were red flags of course, but I attributed it to his "otherness" in that he didn't live his live by conformist rules (like I did) and this was exciting and really living a different, exciting kind of life.

Things went on for 6 months with only small mishaps, a fight at a restaurant, him opening the door of my moving car when I told him perhaps I shouldn't spend the night tonight. It was chilling, but I attributed it to his divorce (20 years with same woman, family man close to his 3 near-adult kids) and thought we shared a similar isolation in the way our lives had (or had not worked out).

One day, after a night a heavy drinking - always a good sport for us - I was too incapacitated by a hangover to go to work at my contract job. The phone rang and he moved out on his porch and closed the door to take the call. When he hung up I challenged him has he was making plans to go out of town that impending weekend. He denied, denied, denied, yelled, called me crazy and left the apartment slamming the door. In my distress I presses *69, wrote down the number and left in my car. From the road I called "Margot" who was preparing for his visit after believing she was in a long-distance committed relationship with him.

I was devastated. We broke up. He was furious with me because I ruined things with this other woman!!! He wrote horrible emails and forwarded her emails to him saying she was done so I would feel bad for wrecking their relationship.

I tried to stay away, but was so heartbroken and still in love. When his relationship apparently couldn't be salvaged, he recontacted me and not knowing about his pathology, I fell right back in the same pattern of catering to him, cutting off my friends and praying he would really love me one day.

When he went out of town on business to D.C. for his work I knew this was a danger area. I became a constant snoop, looking for clues, hacking into his email and of course it was all confirmed. This started a really dark period of my life where I logically knew what was happening, but somehow rationalized it in my spinning mind. I was not well. Not happy, but as long as I was "primary source" I thought I could handle what was going on because I knew the truth and he really wasn't fooling me. He was just a weak man, who needed my strength and was still devastated by his divorce (now a good 5 years behind him).

The cycle repeated itself over and over. I caught him in a lie, he denied, broke up, stayed away for months but always got caught up again. When he came home one day and said his 19 year old daughter was pregnant and he wanted to do everything to help her, I knew I would always have to settle for crumbs and even if I could get him to put a ring on it or give me a child, it would always take a backseat. Later his daughter had another child with a different guy and eventually her kids where taken away by the state for living in horrible conditions. These people were total trash, I knew I had to do something quick.

I finally started seeing a therapist and got serious about no contact. I waffled a couple of times but had good long (6 mos.) stretches of NC. I didn't feel great, but things started to normalize and I really didn't think about him for days at a time. I was really strong when he hoovered, he even sent me an expensive bouquet which I let die in my hot garage before throwing away.

Hoovering attempts continued after I thought I was way out of the woods and even dating other people. I went on a casual friend-date with him as recently has last month and when some follow up plans we made didn't materialize (he has a new, sad wallflower as primary source now that he lives with as his trailer-trash daughter and her kids are living in his apartment, the mooch) I realized I was in real danger.

And real danger is what it is. Please don't judge me the goal is progress and perfection and I know I have already done a lot of the heavy lifting to finally separate myself from him. It felt great today to re-commit to NC and he will hopefully be easier to get rid of this time as I think he has many other secondary sources with me out of the picture and the fact that he works in a female-dominated career.

What can I say, one day at a time. I don't feel like I am starting over, I made good progress on some of my issues that no one can take away from me. I guess the moral of the story is you must be ever-vigilant with these cretins and look to build a real support system so you don't succumb to their terror when you are feeling weak. I'm doing the best I can and I feel good today; I can and will do this.

Mar 18 - 4PM
Marlinmom
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keep the faith...

Mar 18 - 4PM
Janie53
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Maya