May I have some support, please?

27 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 10 - 12PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

May I have some support, please?

So I've been NC for 48 days and have been dealing with it fairly well - meaning - I haven't reached out to him & have not posted any "secret/code" tweets (on Twitter) that would have special meaning to him as we have both done in the past. However, in the next several days will be the "anniversary" of the last time we saw each other and the first & last time we were intimate and I find myself emotional and tearful. I am fairly confident that I will not break NC but I could really use some emotional support and encouragement.

I incorporate much of the advice that has been posted about being smart about NC so I have: (1) deactivated my FB account so I will not be tempted to look at his profile photo (we are not friends), (2) I have been social, making plans, going out - trying to keep busy so I don't have too much free time to think about/dwell on him, (3) reading through my journal to remind myself of all the garbage I put up with and focusing on what I had written (to myself) over the course of our relationship, such as "Every action he has made over the last several months, weeks & days is not of a person that loves. It is of someone who is vindictive, mean and hurtful. There is no love in his actions. He has tried every way to hurt me." and of course (4) reading the forum. I gain so much strength and resolve from reading the posts about our similar experiences and I am thankful everyday for finding this forum.

Feb 10 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Welcome Nancyh :) I commend

Welcome Nancyh :) I commend you on your hard work so far :) I have one thing to add that I hope will help you. It's called "reframing", it's a cognitive "tool" that in effect, takes a picture out of it's frame and puts it in a new frame, thus changing the whole nature of the same picture. As the anniversary approaches, consider WHO this person is. He is a destructive person who has caused you untold pain and suffering. You are beginning to understand what this relationship meant to YOU, and what it meant to HIM were two different things. The beautiful intimacy you remember was not SHARED with him. He was eating you up, unbeknownst to you. Narcs can't NOT treat us like shit, no matter what they are doing or saying to us. That's because they are incapable of truly respecting and having adult concern and empathy, for anyone. You were an OBJECT, no matter how he pretended you weren't. Good lord you wouldn't have slept with him if he didn't put on a good show, right? So you are approaching an anniversary when you were FOOLED into believing a nice intimacy was happening, while on his end, he was just getting off and saying all the right stuff to manipulate and mindf*ck you. This isn't an anniversary to feel yearning and sadness over. This is an anniversary of you being FOOLED and USED by a horrible person. This is an anniversary to feel OUTRAGE over. Rather than post a special code Tweet in hopes of sharing the love and loss, you might as well just Tweet it like it is, "Thanks for the mindf*ck you creepy Narc, I'm going to burn you in effigy and pee on the ashes." And then go get your hair or nails done :D , thanking God or Who/Whatever you thank for these things that he is GONE.
Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Now I like that way of thinking

This is an anniversary of you being FOOLED and USED by a horrible person. Let go of the sentiment because there never was anything close to that in this relationship. The only thing now I remember is that it was April when I fell under his spell, spring was in the air as well as love, ha ha ha
Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Honestly, it is just TRUE.

Honestly, it is just TRUE. It's a fact more than a way of thinking (though I know I used those words). It is a FACT that the Narc fooled you and used you. Hello? Narcs are incapable of doing anything else. You "saw" love and intimacy, because you are NORMAL and decent and respectful. The Narc sees the exact same THING you see but interprets it completely differently. They see opportunity to get some sex and power and supply. Always. No matter how pretty their words or gifts or tears are.
Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Oh Briseis - I know you are

Oh Briseis - I know you are right & thank you for the wake-up call and honesty of what this anniversary is - A time to feel outrage - not melancholy or loss. Geez, I really should be celebrating that I am no longer with him. I love your recommendation for the Tweet (and it's less than 140 characters too) - it made me laugh out loud, literally. And don't worry - I have a hair appointment this weekend and am going to Miami next week with the girls for several days of a day at the spa, shopping & fun. That is how I am celebrating my "anniversary" (F**k him). Now is the time for me to take care of me b/c I certainly took care of that Narc for too long.

Nan

Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yeah and what a waste it was

Yeah and what a waste it was :) I made it under 140 characters? Wow that is a first for me :D Celebrate your freedom from him, and realize that because of your encounter with him, you don't ever have to get bamboozled by another Narc again. That's the journey we are all on here.
Feb 10 - 3PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Nancyh

you are doing great, I was still a huge basket case, sending up balloos with our photos as a means of letting go, i am 2 years out and finally realizing the futility of it all and have felt the best yet, plus a major move on the way. I feel changed and know now if a guy does is disrespectful to me, I will never put up with it again. and if someone does not like me, no biggie, I just say it is their loss and move on. One day all we single women will all find men worthy of our love, that is my vow!!Keep up the good work!!
Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You really are MUCH to

You really are MUCH to decent and mature to burn his picture and pee on it.
Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Onwithmylife I like the

Onwithmylife I like the symbolism of letting go by sending the balloons with your photos. Two years out - great for you (I can't wait to be there too)! & thank you for your support!

Nan

Feb 10 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Balloons & photo?? I say get

Balloons & photo?? I say get some toilet paper and flush!! Idealk
Feb 10 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

IdealkNYC

I did not want to stop up my toilet with the balloons, but like your toilet paper idea, you should have seen me crying my eyes out two years ago when I did send them up in the air, I have come a LONG way!!!I have a hard time letting go, the two hardest words in the English language.
Feb 10 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

IdealkNYC

I did not want to stop up my toilet with the balloons, but like your toilet paper idea, you should have seen me crying my eyes out two years ago when I did send them up in the air, I have come a LONG way!!!I have a hard time letting go, the two hardest words in the English language.
Feb 10 - 1PM
Journey
Journey's picture

1st anniversary the hardest

It is for sure the hardest one to get through. For me it reminded me of what it was like turning 40... the anticipation was much worse than the actual age or year that followed. Stay strong! You are doing so well!! Journey on...

Journey on...

Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Journey - I am always

Journey - I am always strengthened by your posts & your words "Journey on" I appreciate your support, thank you.

Nan

Feb 10 - 12PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

nancyh

You would not believe this but now and then I look up his GF of 8 years on facebook and just look at her, I know I know its weird. I always laugh when I read, "is there a message you would like to send Diane? ha ha ha mmmm lets see, let me think about that one for a second BOY IS THERE A MESSAGE I WOULD LIKE TO SEND HER, . Seriously when I look at her I feel very very sad for her and one day I will look her up and it wont say, "In a relationship" as it says now, maybe it will say, LEFT A PSYCHO for her sake. GOOD on your 48 days of NC, EXCELLENT however I know there is much pain many days in our NC. THe pain for me is not having lost him (UGH) but how I lost myself being with a person that has this disorder. Everything we had in the relationship only meant something to US it NEVER meant anything to them, I too remember the time we were intimate for the first time and what it seemed like but all it meant to him was another kill he made in the hunt. I guess my tears are slowly slowly drying up as I try to remind myself I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG just fell victim to a disordered person and it will take time to heal from it.
Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

neverlookback - I know what

neverlookback - I know what you mean about feeling the pain of losing yourself. I find that I am more angry with myself for being such a fool, sucker, trusting idiot, _____________ (fill in the blank)than I am at him. But from this website I learned that they are predators and can smell fresh, trusting people a mile away and I try not to beat myself up too much. BUT tell myself that if I go back for more - after all that I know - then I can be hard on myself. And I think FB should add "LEFT A PSYCHO" to their relationship status section ;) Thank you - you are awesome!

Nan

Feb 10 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

you are awesome!

So are you with 48 days of NC, I only have 15 days behind me and those 1st 15 days were HELL but its better now.
Feb 10 - 12PM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You're doing so well Nancy

48 days is no mean feat, Congratulations!!!!! it is still early days yet but you are doing soooooo well Nancy. I have had two Narcs in my life one very violent and abusive and one very passive aggressive and abusive. Luckily I wasn't with either of them for years although it took forever to get rid of violent psycho Narc #1 even when we were out of the relationship, which only lasted 9 mths, he still wanted to keep me in the loop in case he needed supply and 8 years later I think I have finally got rid,I didn't know about PD's in the way I do now and knowledge and sticking to total NC is the way. Narc # 2 lasted 14 mths but it was long enough to upset me deeply and I was terrified of Narc #1 he can still make me feel a bit nervous but I am keeping strong and keeping away from him. I am at the stage now where I am indifferent and I never ever thought I would feel this way. Please believe me when I say to you that one day you will feel this way. Stick to the drill and give yourself plenty of TLC and NC NC NC. Good Luck and (((big hug)))
Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Thank you so much for your

CarolKittyGale Thank you so much for your support and hug! Indifference - I can't wait to get to that point. I'm sorry that you had a relationship with two Narcs - ug - nasty, soulless beings. I'm happy you are staying strong. Hugs back.

Nan

Feb 10 - 12PM
apple
apple's picture

oh hun

I'm so sorry you are feeling down and out. You must try to find the invisible switch to turn off in your head and heart. Keep focusing on all the crap and you will find it. The only way through the pain is to sit with it and NC and you will feel better soon. I promise you will!!!! In the mean time be proud that you are breaking the cycle of emotional abuse!!! You are taking a stand for yourself. =)
Feb 10 - 12PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

nancyh

Wow! What an over achiever! Some people such as myself are a little more remedial:) Lol its hard but I bet you will be fine in no time its the first anniversaries of everything that are the worst. You are doing all the right things so good things are in store for you!
Feb 10 - 12PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

nancyh

Wow! What an over achiever! Some people such as myself are a little more remedial:) Lol its hard but I bet you will be fine in no time its the first anniversaries of everything that are the worst. You are doing all the right things so good things are in store for you!
Feb 10 - 12PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

nancyh

Wow! What an over achiever! Some people such as myself are a little more remedial:) Lol its hard but I bet you will be fine in no time its the first anniversaries of everything that are the worst. You are doing all the right things so good things are in store for you!
Feb 10 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Nancy

Ok good job! You're doing everything right! The holidays really sucked big time for me. They passed I made and you will too. Today, I feel so much stronger than in Dec. So each day that passes is a narc free day. Look at it as peace and quiet! You just need more time! Hugs Idealk
Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Idealk9NYC - You know that

Idealk9NYC - You know that you totally rock, right? Like so many of the other courageous people that post - I gain so much from reading your posts & responses, thank you. I can't believe the outpouring of support from my forum "family". I am touched and humbled. What a contrast from my N. I remember early on in our relationship that I had a cold and sounded horrible that he did not even acknowledge my cold and it struck me as so odd and when I called him on it he still did not ask how I was feeling - Geez what a RED FLAG that was & I ignored it. Well, that is in the past now. Thanks so much for the support and kind words. Hugs back!

Nan

Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Nancy

I rock? No, I've been Narced, I have never in my 43 years every felt such pain. I don't consider myself stupid but it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I will tell you once I did, my world changed! I don't wish this being Narced on anyone.Now I am a K9 on alert at all times. All we did was fall in love and they devoured us like a lion on the hunt. I have healed, ( I guess) I'm just trying to speed up the process for some. It's not worth it! They aren't worth it. I'd rather be alone than with a disordered abusive individual. I love Myself way too much. its all about me now! With that being said, I'm going shopping:) Hit the mall yourself it does wonders to your mood! Teehee Idealk
Feb 10 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
sadderbutwiser
sadderbutwiser's picture

nancy h

i totally agree. i love idealk too!! my N was the same way as yours. he never once asked me ANYTHING about myself even when my dog died and i was crying in front of him--nothing! when my dad died----nothing!! he never asked me how i was doing after either. he doesn't ask you how you are because he doesn't WANT to hear it. it is a waste of HIS time unless HE is getting something from us (sex talk, supply, whatever). we are just objects to them. sick isn't it? BE STRONG. i am 8 months NC!!!