MandathePanda's Story

MandathePanda's long story...so glad I found this site!!

I have been reading the posts on this forum for the last few days and can't believe how lovely and supportive you all are...it's heart warming.

I find myself newly out of a relationship that has taken me from the top of the world to the depths of despair and back again in the space of three years. I am 42.

Summary:

- I met him at work (and we still work together so this has always made no contact very hard).

- When I met him, I was in a very vunerable place, effectively homeless, living in a house provided by a friend...separated from my two daughters due to losing my job. I had no supportive family (my family background is EXTREMELY difficult, abuse etc) and was very much alone and lost.

- We became friends, found we had much in common and I learned that he was in a relationship for the last 15 years. He was 42 when we met, and divulged his past - he was a heroin addict from 17 to 27..his sister had introduced him to the drug, and she later died at 33 from AIDS. He had a strange upbringing, half Sicilian, half English brought up in Sicily, which he often said made him feel "alien". He stood out, and his mother (a posh English lady which was extremely unusual in Sicily) was a source of discomfort to him as he felt that they were stared at wherever they went. His father left, and his mother was left alone, having to work (teaching English) relentlessly to make ends meet. He described a difficult relationship with his father, who was absent, a womaniser and never ever praised him. He is still not close to him, and describes the relationship as fake. His relationship with his mother is (I have found) uncomfortably close and strange..(hard to put my finger on).

- So, fairly soon after we met, he started emailing me to describe his feelings for me. I had never ever been subjected to such wooing, such flowery language and I was utterly hooked. I never ever saw that kind of language again though. So, we commenced an affair and I'm not proud that I took all of his insults about his girlfriend as gospel and believed that she was a monster, selfish and controlling as that is what he told me. He asked her to leave the house that they lived in together and fairly soon she did.

- By the time the first lie appeared, I was very much in love. I recieved a call from him to say that he was with a friend, Graham, in the pub and he would call me later. I then received a text, from his ex (she had taken my number from his phone) to say that there was no Graham..no pub and that they were together drinking wine. I was devastated, and confused and what began then was a year of hell...him constantly ping ponging between the two of us, lying to us both, making promises to both of us, and doing bizarre things like taking us to the same place on subsequent weekends (when later confronted he said he wanted to see "how it felt with each of us"). He would tell her he loved her, me he loved me..it was just awful. And I forgave and forgave and listened to the lies and when I became confused and upset and angry he would tell me to get a grip, that he was sick of hearing it, that he had no friends and that he couldn't let go of her because of the cultural links (any excuse he could find) and that I needed to understand. Rather than putting me off, this seemed to make the bond stronger, I can see now, it was like the two of us together, fighting his relationship with his ex. This is a terrible realisation.

- Eventually, after many many times of discovery, ending things and then getting sucked back in, their relationship finished completely. I had the opportunity to speak to her, and we compared stories and were able to discover all the lies and weirdness. Why didn't I leave then?

- By this time, the rebuilding of my life with my girls was well underway, but there was still a lot of work to do. He would continue to blow hot and cold, offer me stability and love one minute and then when further committment got mentioned again he would tell me that "people say things" and shouldn't be called up on them.

- He found my lack of trust annoying to say the least, got furious if I ever brought up the past (very recent past) and would shout things like "get a grip", "move on", "why do you always have to make me feel shit" etc. These things also dragged me in further somehow...I felt reliant on him, desperate for him to change and sure that if I did things differently perhaps he would.

- At work, he is know as a difficult character, with a bad temper. He has alienated many people in the time there, and is critical of everyone. I got sucked into his critical view of the world on many occasions and would then come to my senses, asking him to NOT continually slag everyone off (including people that were my friends). He would change for a while, but then it would start again, this constant attack on people's characters, how vile they are (perfectly nice people).

- There have been constant issues with drink over the years. He has on more than one occasion been out of control through drink and caused near fights and stolen stuff. The most recent one was the eye opener for me, a few weeks ago where he came to my home, and got drunk and suddently switched from over the top, annoying but good humoured, to nasty and abusive in front of my girls. He called us all names, said some extremely innappropriate things, it was awful. When he wouldnt leave the front door I had to call the police. He has also stolen stuff when drunk.

- Just after the incident above, which I was in danger of brushing under the carpet myself, my father died. I had had a very difficult relationship with my father, his death was unexpected and a massive shock. It seemed to break a spell, my ex was NOT there for me at all..it was all surface, he even appeared bored and when I got upset made no attempt to comfort me. He then blamed me for this, told me that I had hated my father and that he had told me to reconcile with him so why was I upset (this is not true). He told me that it had been hard for him too... THIS was my lightbulb moment I guess.

- Why did I stay? The attraction, the way that he made me feel when we were alone...the things he would tell me, I don't know and I can't explain and whilst I have seen the light where he is concerned...I am scared of making the same mistakes in the future.

- One very strange thing I have noticed and would appreciate opinions on. This man lives a strange frugal life in a house that was owned by his dead sister. He has no matching furniture and its kind of like being in a old person's house. He dresses very scruffy most of the time, t-shirt and jeans. WhenEVER we have split up (many times) he has transformed his dress code, wearing smart clothes and a formal jacket...even carrying a brief case (no doubt empty). It never lasts, but its always puzzled me. What is it about?

- I do feel that this time, it's over, but I also feel the need to learn, understand and deprogram. I am a reasonably attractive 42 year old and I do have men asking me out from time to time. Scared, don't want to pick the wrong one again.

Opinions would be so welcome. Thank you xxx