Makesenseofitall My Story

I'm still struggling with whether the person I'm seeing is a Narcissist or just a jerk or just a divorcing guy who is all over the place. Truly I'm so confused - in a way I never have been before. I'm successful, smart, educated, attractive with a very full life - in most ways fit the profile of the person people say is a "magnet" for narcissists. Never have I ever had this much of a challenge extricating someone from my life.

I've been reading a lot about Narcissists...and some of it rings true, but other stuff really doesn't. He's not ever emotionally violent or aggressive (and certainly not physically). And he certainly isn't trying to use me financially or to get ahead in his career - he's very successful. His general persona is calm & rational, intelligent and successful but a bit of the "frat boy" - Vegas, drinking, going out to clubs/bars, etc. He's coming out of a long-term (17 yr) marriage with 2 kids. I met him when he was really just starting the process (hadn't even moved out of the house yet - but I refused to date him until he was no longer living in the same house). So - I truly thought he was just "wounded" and hurting from breaking up his family (he says he's the one that wants the divorce, of course there's no way for me to know that for sure). Me, being the empathetic, care-giving, "solver" that I am and being completely won over by his charm, his pedigree, the way he seemed just PERFECT for me in so many ways (truly on paper anyway & physically the ideal of what I'm looking for in a mate)....fell head over heels and wanted to "be there for him" as he worked through the process. Honestly, I tried to keep it very casual at first (telling myself that he'd need time to get over the marriage) and keep a distance (I've got those wonderful walls, barricades and trenches), but when he started laying it on so thick "lovebombing" I guess...("I've never met anyone like you, I can't believe I've met someone like you, you're amazing, you're awesome, you're so sexy/smart/intelligent, I don't see my life without you in it in some way") and telling me that I needed to open up to him, I needed to share....well, slowly but surely I started becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to dream about a future with this guy. And he would come over and just want to "be" - not even talk, but just want to enjoy sitting on the couch or going out for drinks and dancing. And he would say that he just wanted it all, that he wanted to be happy. That he had been so unhappy for so many years and he didn't want to continue living like that. Then there was the yo-yo rollercoaster - one minute he's contacting me & we're seeing each other, the next he's saying "I can't feel like this, I can't commit to you, I need to work things out and I'm not ready for anything so intense" but "I care for you, I'm possessive of you, I don't want to think of you with anyone else, you're mine, I know you love me". He kept asking me what I wanted from the relationship and when I finally just laid it all out & said, I do want a future with you, I do really care for you - I asked him if that bothered/scared him & he said, no, it made him happy. But then...two days later...no contact for days. He's said things to me like "I know you love me, so why would you want to mess this up? Why won't you just listen to me and do as I say?" "You just need to be patient, I'm telling you - you don't want to mess up what we have". And if I ever had an issue with something - if I voiced my needs or called attention to something that he had or hadn't done that I was unhappy with - I got the "I can't have you giving me grief. You are my support, you are my happy place amidst all the crap that I'm dealing with getting out of this marriage & with my kids - if there are problems here too then I can't be here, I can't deal with feeling like I'm disappointing you too." And he would just not call me for days (that was during the whole relationship - he would just tune out for days - I wouldn't hear from him - that was always my punishment). And then he would contact me & ask if I was ready to stop "acting up" - that he would need to call my mother to talk some sense in to me. A lot of our time together was spent out - drinking, dancing, running the streets. But we also traveled - a couple of times together but also separately (we both travel for work) and it always seemed that when we weren't in our home town, things were better - we talked more on the phone, we shared more.

We actually broke up - I hadn't heard from him all week and then he showed up at a place I frequent. I was there with a couple of friends...introduced him & included him in the group. As we were dancing, a guy friend grabbed me and even though I pushed him away quickly and told him that was inappropriate, my N was not happy. However, I stayed away from that guy the rest of the night, hung out with my N and we went home together. Spent the next night together also and then the next day he broke up with me ON A TEXT MESSAGE (this was about 9 mos in)...saying that he needed space to deal with things on his own and that he didn't want to see me hurt in the process. However, we kept running in to each other (even in an airport across the world randomly - where I ran in to him in a store by himself but BUYING LINGERIE FOR SOMEONE!!! that just devastated me)...and the communication would start/stop - every couple of weeks, a text or a phone call "I need you in my life, I miss you, I wish you had just listened to me - I just needed you to listen & be patient & do what I said". "I was so hurt by seeing that guy touch you, that was not cool & it just made me crazy, I wanted to punch him"...And even though I would tell myself that I shouldn't answer his calls, or I shouldn't respond and certainly shouldn't INITIATE contact...I just haven't seemed to be able to cut the ties completely.

Now...3 mos later (after breaking up - so about 11 mos after we started seeing each other), he IS actually divorced (I had my doubts that it was really happening) and he says he wants to just date casually (no sex - though I think he just means intercourse because we have been intimate recently in other ways and he doesn't seem concerned about that!) and see if we can get to know each other again without all the drama of him going through a divorce. He says he just wants to "date" - go on dates - movies, dinner, etc and not get so caught up emotionally. But literally HOURS before saying this...he was telling me " don't you know that I loved you? didn't you realize that I loved you? and you messed it up by not listening and giving me my space and by me seeing you with another guy ..seeing that guy touch you made me feel just awful.....don't you know that I loved you though & it hurt me also to break up with you and for us to not be together?". And while holding me and kissing me "isn't this better than a few weeks ago when you thought you were never seeing me again? I just want you to take care of me, cook me dinner and cuddle on the couch, travel with me. I want you in my life, I want us to be like we were before". And so I said - it can't just be about you - I have needs too and what about my needs? what about feeling treasured and respected...and he said "don't you feel like I was doing that? don't you know that I would take care of you? I care for you - you mean so much to me." And I told him that no, I didn't know that he loved me & that his actions didn't tell me that. But I really am just CONFUSED!!! He comes off on one hand as this guy that has it all together - high level career, good-looking, communicative...but I can't tell if he just knows the right things to say (and then he obviously says some really WRONG things - all the stuff about just listening to him & doing what he says)...and if he's been well-trained during therapy with the ex and with HR for managers and so it enables him to not seem as Narcissistic as he really is (to put on a good show)? Or if he's just a jerk who's selfish & controlling. Or if he's come out of a divorce & is just in that selfish mode/needing to explore life. Either way, I know that I have to be protective of MY needs and my own self-respect...but it has been SO challenging for me to write him out of my life. And because I do feel such a connection to him...I don't want to just give up on it - I want to be strong enough to stand up to him and see if there's any hope for us.

...what am I dealing with here???? And how do I figure this out?