"Made in Narcville"...custom built to last for the N's, quality goods .

I began asking healthy people , friends, therapists, my son what they thought was my area of strength.

I am looking for a way to become employed after being ill and not working out of the house for many years..and I am approaching decisions like where to to put my energy and still be realistic and set myself up to succeed.

The responses were interesting.Therapist said Good problem solving skills. Friend said basically the same thing.Leading, management. Working with difficult and varying personalities would come easy for me.

At first, after hearing these responses.. I thought really? I was surprised at these thoughts.

THEN it hit me... I was groomed to be a problem solver. N's ALWAYS have problems and ALWAYS NEED attention and guidance. THEY are never happy and being around them was a lifetime of problem solving.

That's all I DID
THEY made it clear that they supported this..because they always came to me for help.but gave me no credit for it once I did.

So taking this to the relationship with the N/P, this was my "addiction". I actually prided myself on this skill. I was "flattered when people came to me for help. GOOOD GRIEF!
THE LIE that changed my life! That and the other one.. telling me how strong and tolerant I was! ()*(&&^%$#$#@@!#@%&%%#$#@@!@!!@@#@$%%^

This is what I kept believing and was the thing that KEPT me trying to resolve the "problem of HIM" of them too.

I LEARNED to pride myself on my ability to find ways to "fix it".and being tough and tolerant.

SO, I kept trying as I had always been able to fix the problems of the N's in my family...right? OR SO they wanted me to believe.

THIS is the BIGGEST LIE EVER!
I was trained to never give up and to believe that I had skills that I truly did not.

I listened and listened and comforted and comforted the N's in my family of origin and soothed their troubles and took care of their needs. PROBLEM SOLVER..and I did get quite good at it.

AS LONG as they kept me believing that WE were making progress with their issues.. I kept going with the problem solving. I DID resolve many problems for sure..tons of exhuasting things..but NEVER got THROUGH to them about themselves.. it was the ONE I could NOT resolve...or FIX.

GOD what a sick game. WHAT a sick thing to do to a person. It altered who I might have been.

ALL those years making me believe that I was making an impact on them.. using this to get me to resolve all of their troubles but only humoring me with their "growth".

I can almost see their eyes rolling while they faked listening to me go on and on showing them how to think differently and do better and to teach them to resolve their own problems...humoring me just long enough waiting for me to get to the REAL thing that they wanted me to DO for them.

One example that stands out. WHEN the ex psychopath was wanting to quit therapy(big mistake btw,therapy makes em worse!).. "I don't need a therapist.. I have you and you help me more than anyone ever could." I recall when I heard this..thinking he was up to something but at the time I was kind of flattered but disgusted with him at the same time. I KNEW he was beyond my help. I had tried but HE wanted ME to believe in MY skills.. only to USE ME longer.
So this is why the"problem" stays in my head..I have been programmed to "believe" that my words or actions that "worked" in the past with resolving relationship problems could still work. IT IS ALL BS! MY brain still thinks I can.. which is why I want to call my family,but FIGHT IT,(56 days NC) on a daily basis to "work it out" but I can't seem to find the right words" I was groomed to do this..and if I DO speak to them, they MAY "need" me to believe that my words or actions "got in" this time and I WILL WANT TO believe it. NOPE, this thought has GOT to change and change right now!

SO, this is how it goes.I was raised, "MADE", groomed, shaped honed and molded to be the N problem solver...and "built to last". THE PERFECT toy ,family member, friend for N's and the perfect wife of a psychopath.

I was "MADE in Narcville" to serve them.

NOT ANYMORE..

venting.. thanks for your patience while I am growing OUT of narcville.

Truth