Lynnsie's story

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#1 Mar 11 - 8PM
lynnsie62
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Lynnsie's story

I want to tell my story because I finally know what it is! For years I was sure it was me and tried painfully to change and recreate myself and my attitudes to no avail. I married secretly, which was a huge mistake, a foreign man I met in college. Our parents were not going to readily accept the marriage so we went behind everyone and did it. This locked me into a life with him and I felt I had betrayed my family and could not do anything about it. But at that point and for the next 4 years he was still the man of my dreams! He was the answer to my prayers, my father was a good guy but controlling and cranky at times, this new man was kind, never raised his voice, any big or small life problem he worked through with grace and patience. I tried his patience if anything, if he was late I was furious and tested him to his limits to see if he was trustworthy. He stayed very kind and a great guy until one day after I had an 18 month old and a 2 month old and stayed at home caring for them giving up any work outside, he came home from work and saw there were two dish soaps open on the counter. He asked me about this and I threw out an answer, like I don’t know! This was met with a huge raging encounter! By this time I had known him for about 5 years and although he had become a little more controlling it had crept up on me. He said all of these measures he took were out of love like not wanting me to go out without telling him not wanting me to spend money, wanting everything perfect in every way and never giving in on anything. These things were to make me stronger and our life better. This affront made me scared and leary but this was the man who had stuck up for me. My sister, looking back and trying to find the truth, had much control over my life and so he saved me front that or so he said. When we met she controlled what I did and how often I could see him and used my money that I had earned all summer long if she didn’t have enough. My childhood revolved around serving her, she was beautiful and needy. Our household revolved around making sure she was happy and not sad or nervous she was painfully shy. So when I met him he enlightened me, he told me I didn’t need to listen to her and that my parents clearly loved her more. This started years of frustration and sadness for me. He demonstrated that he loved me and would always be there for me. This was huge! His initial outburst was scarey and I decided that it was me. I was not satisfying his needs in some way. His family was not happy that he was in the U.S. and as he told me regularly I had taken him from his loving family! I tried to make everything perfect in his life and he seemed happy but still things were never right. We bought the cheapest house and were not allowed any furniture. He got old furniture from people leaving back to their home countries so we eventually had one bed and some old tattered couches. But we seemed to be happy.I had to cook, clean and work hours and hours keeping things in perfect order. I cooked dinners for 30-40 people many days and did all kinds of favors for hm. Any time I dared to question or feel frustrated I had to pay the price. I never said no and always complied as I had in childhood. This was my badge, this made me good and useful and it was “me” So when I had moments of sadness or frustration he was quick to remind me that I had fallen, “I always tell everyone how lucky I am to have you” of course he never personally told me this or thanked me but he was quick to remind me and rope me back in. I didn’t want to lose him and was always reminded of how my family did not love me, look at the things that they did and valued, not me!! I kept this locked away inside of me painfully festering for years. I didn’t dare to ever question my role in his life. I was safe and secure!
My husband finally convinced me that moving to the middle east would solve all of our problems which to me meant he would finally be happy. He would be near to his family and we would be in a safe accepting environment for our family. We now had 4 children and 1 on the way. He routinely reminded me that he didn’t cheat and didn’t drink or do drugs, I was so lucky. He only wanted me and after all I was overweight and had never been very attractive. Although he didn’t tell me this, he never once told me he thought I was pretty, beautiful or even attractive in 28 years of knowing him. So my insecurities were totally confirmed. I was the perfect sexual partner as I was available and was never allowed to say no ever to any time any place anyway. This gave me an edge in my mind! I was useful once again.
We moved to the middle east and at 8 mos. Pregnant I slept on the floor and for the two years after that. No appliances, no windows to look out, no phone nothing. I could not drive, illegal in that country and was not allowed to leave the house, it was unsafe. So I sat each day no furniture, no phone and no outside contact, the perfect prisoner. I tried harder and harder to please and to work to make myself better. But the outbursts and anger seemed to grow. I thought being near his family and in his element would make him happier but things just kept progressing in the downward mode. I was in the midst of bearing children and being a care giver and so I never really stopped to question. By this time I knew that I was inferior, although most people around me mistakenly praised me for being the nicest, most devoted, cleanest, best cook and just all around “the best” I knew that was not true. I lived without electricity, furniture and respect but for now the reasons for this had changed. I had done all of this before out of love and desperation trying to keep him, now it was out of fear. I had seen him deal with other people and his trickery and ruthless behavior behind the scenes. He was the champion of the poor and weak, a true friend to many, he bought gifts and lectured men on being kind to their wives, he helped anyone in need. He was perfect and flawless on the outside. He said that he tried at home to be kind and nice but I was slowly becoming more rebellious and questioned his ways and this made it hard for him! This made him frustrated and as he said” every few months you get into this cycle where you make trouble” so I accepted this and prayed to God to make me a better wife. Now I stayed because deep in my soul I knew what the outcome would be if I ever left. I told people jokingly, “if I did this or that my husband would knock me across the room” although he never had. He became more aggressive sexually and verbally with each passing year. I had to comply and have sex or live with worst anger. This would at least make things livable for the day but not great.
As my children grew they became smart, unique heroes in my life. He was never around or not much so the kids and I became a team and very close!He was usually with wealthy and important friends leaving me and my 9 kids alone without basic things and so we bonded and they became increasingly unhappy with him. He kept me from all others but in his home his own children were slowly working on me telling me that this was not right and it wasn’t me. This was hard to accept. Having these unique individuals that wanted kindness and love from him and wanted independence, was his undoing. They questioned him and didn’t accept his irrational edicts and ever changing rules. They bolstered me and told me I was not crazy and that I was a good person. The main problem for him was that I chose my kids over him. They had dreams which I helped them realize. This caused so much unrest that his behavior became even worst until the point that he seemed downright crazy. He started throwing things, swearing at me and keeping me in a room for hours on end “discussing” our many problems that I had generated. Every conversation ended with him being furious and me not knowing what had happened. He had hundreds of silly rules that changed each day.He would be thrown into a rage over a little problem and would scream at me in public, at home or any where and never never any apologies just saying that I had driven him to it by my bad behavior. He never listened to me and mocked me whenever he could. He never bought me one gift in all those years and anything anyone gave me had to be returned. I tried love, kindness, being firm but nothing worked until I no longer could take it. I convinced him to take me and my kids back home and stayed. He recently told me he wishes God would destroy me. Every where he goes people follow what he says and believe and sympathize for this poor man who lost his kids and his horrible mean wife. I am still shaky and question my every move. I am unsure if it was really me. All I know is I just wanted love and some how it turned into this mess. I still have sick feelings of love for this man and feel confused and this bothers me. At this point we have no contact but have 9 kids that are with me and so I have to work with him in some ways.
I just want to get over him and can't figure out why I would have any feelings for him and I feel bad that my kids don't have any feelings for him. for years he told me that I turned them against him which was totally untrue. want to move on.

Mar 12 - 9AM
Barbara (not verified)
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welcome Lyndsie

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - you sound like you have TRAUMATIC BONDING/ STOCKHOLM SYNDROME issues - google it. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Our Recommended Reading List http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/14/recommended-reading-victims Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim You MUST get into therapy with a Trauma Counselor ASAP. It takes about 18 months to start feeling better from the mind control & seductive hypnosis these creatures do. Don't date before then. You will need ongoing support & help from a professional. We are all here to listen. We have all been there. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims