Lucy32513 story--free from hell

Hello everyone,

I was dating a N for 5 years and have not seen him for over 2 months now since March 25, 2013. That's why my username is Lucy32513. I have talked to him a few times on the phone since then but have kept strong to not see him at all. Just this week, I have decided to not talk to him anymore. It has been a pure 5 years of hell, tears, tears and more tears. He is extremely selfish, stingy, perverted, and comes from a highly dysfunctional family where both parents are narcissistic and his father being an unconvicted child molester of 9-year old girls (nieces, and even of his own two daughters who were my N ex's sisters), alcoholic, and moved away from his mother 35 years ago because they argued all the time. (f__ed-up role models for parents...is it any wonder why my ex-N is also f__ed up?) My ex-N boyfriend who was in the military for 25+ years got demoted to the reserves with no pay at the age of 51 years old for sexual harrassment of young girls in the army. He married his first cousin and justified that by going to a catholic priest for approval. Need I say anymore? As you can see, there were zillions of red flags that I ignored because I was vulnerable when I met him because I was coming out of a 15 year divorce. I thought by loving him he would change and appreciate me. After 5+ years of tears every month and feeling sad and suicidal at one point, multiple breakups initiated by me but then going back each time, I finally had the strength to toughen up on March 25, 2013 and not see him anymore. So this week after reading all the Goodbye letters in this forum, I am determined to no longer talk to him anymore.

To make a long story short, I had enough of his cruel and heartless treatment of me. He never put me above his friends, family, female friends and any thing or place! He even put strangers above me at times. Very very sad feeling. His devaluing of me has caused me so much pain. Oh and the hiding of passwords and never treating me like a team player. He was a selfish bastard who always made decisions and plans on HIS terms and made them without including me in the decision making process. My feelings didn't count because it was always about him. The final straw was when he told me "with or without you, I plan on retiring in Florida." ...and also he doesn't believe in husbands giving "all" to a wife. He feels all women are evil and that when a husband dies, the cash should be split 50-50 between wife and kids. I've never heard of such b.s. This maltreatment towards wife all stems from his baggage from his last marriage that he hasn't healed from that happened over 15 years ago. Of course everything according to him was his ex-wife's fault. His children told me that he would buy his ex wife Valentine's Day cards on the day AFTER Valentine's Day because they would be half price. Talk about stingy!! And I was foolish enough to think I could change this idiot, loser, and pervert. He gets uneasy and loses his composure around 18-year old girls. He likes going to water parks and beaches and enjoys staring at young girls in bikinis or skimpily clad clothes. He was into porn sites with naked 18-year old girls sucking on each other's feet. And yes, he was also had a foot fetish. And I thought I could help this sick pervert. That pervertedness never did go away. The disrespect I tolerated and him ogling magazine covers of motorcycle babes dressed erotically and his obssession with young foreign women. I'm sickened as I recount all these disturbing details of hurtful bad memories. Enough said. At least I haven't cried since March 25, 2013 but I still feel sad because we did connect sexually and emotionally as close friends for five years. It took a lot of screaming arguing to modify a few behaviors but the change still never took permanently in the inside. Inside, he was still the same tin man with no heart. These last two months apart from him have been peaceful and my skin has finally healed from all the stress. Emotionally and in the inside, my heart still feels tender and not totally healed. I know it takes time so I hope to keep moving forward and never looking back. Thank you taking the time to read my story.