Lucky To Be Getting Out's Story

It's been almost a week since we decided to end the 12 year marriage and it feels like it's been months that I've been going through this. But the reality is I've been moving to this decision for months, maybe even years.

I'm party of a Poly relationship with a N and and a Non N. I'll state up front that I'm in this type of relationship because it was something that I wanted, and it was not just to hang on to him. She is most definitevly NOT an OW. In fact we are leaving the relationship togther and have the other one to cling to and have sanity checks with. I don't know that I would be strong enough to do this without her.

I have known Mr. Ind for 13 years or so, and I have known Mrs Ind the same amount of time. I started dating Mr. Ind right before I met her (maybe a week), and we were all in the Air Force. She immediately became my (our) best friend and we spent a lot of time together.

He was charming and attentive, sweet and caring. He was everything I was looking for. I feel a little ill looking back at it. Realizing how false it all was. But I was 20 and in love, and thought I found the man of my dreams.

After the wedding things started to change. A lot of the issues in our relationship had to do with sex. A lot. Before the marriage we were frequent fliers. And I have a very high libido so this was fine with me. But after the wedding we moved from daily to weekly, eventually monthly, and this past year we were working our way to annually. There was a time when things got really bad that when I would try and initiate he would stay on his computer for 30 to 45 minutes to prove I couldn't make him do anything.

He played the shame chord in me over and over and over again. And I fell for it, over and over and over again.

About 6 years ago, after a very complicated journey (not right for this forum story) Mrs Ind joined our relationship in a romantic way. We'd been friends, I'd long since acknowledged my deeper feelings for her. And the two of us tried to be in a relationship with a very unstable person.

I'll gloss over the 6 years of fighting and screaming, and crying that ensued. Everytime we got closer to each other he would drive a wedge between us with devestating force. And we would turn on each other and shred each other. Each of us needing him but clawing at the other one.

Over the last two years we have slowly taken down the wall between us. Brick by painful brick. It started with weekly breakfast. No cell phones, no computers, no iPods. Just us talking. Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was hard. One or both of us silently wishing to be anywhere else. But we were committed.

We invited him over and over to join us in healthy land. We asked him over and over and over again. But he declined. and then when we came to the final huge confrontation he said we'd changed. We'd never asked him along. Why couldn't we go to therapy? (two weeks prior he indicated he would literally rather die than go to therapy)

I find it invinitly ironic that July 21st 2011 was the begining of the official end, and this coincides with the Big Girl Panties Blog Post. Mrs. Ind turned me on to the idea that Mr. Ind is a N. And it's not something that he could be like, or that could apply to him. It's like everyone who is writing about NPD came to our house and interviewed him.

Even armed with that, last night when he came to us in a reasonable and charming fashion I fell into old paradigms. I started laughing with him, I called him Honey. Apparently I flirted (I didn't realize it) and I started to get angry with Mrs. Ind. None of this is healthy.

But we are filing for divorce, we have a date to leave, we are committed. Mrs. Ind and I are better than we have ever been and we are not letting him in betwen us.

I'm so so so lucky to have her. Because i fear that the first sign of the charmer I would wilt and go crawling back for more abuse.