loveisallthereis's Story

Hello brave ones.....
I call you brave because I have been on this forum for over a month and have been reading all your stories and gathering strength to finally come out of the shadows and write my story. I sit here in the home of my dear friends, listening to their children play nintendo, watching this couple gracefully and lovingly parent their kids. I think to myself "i want this someday". But alas, I know I might not ever have what i want as long as I stay in the mess that I have been in for almost two years. The N that I have been seeing has flat out told me that he does not want a "serious" relationship, that he does not want a family and when we first met, I wasnt sure I did either. Over time I have become clear, I want to at least be available for an EQUAL partnership, and with him, I always end up feeling unworthy, unlovable, less than, not good enough and definitely not as special as he is. The interesting thing is, when I am with him, or if I let him call the shots (meaning... I dont call him, I stay emotionally walled off) he is super affectionate, tells me he misses me, how beautiful I am etc. But, once I see him and we have the most amazing sex and I feel warm in his comfort, I begin to feel frantic, anxiety all through my body, it effects my sleep, my intake of food and my life becomes unmanageable, because I never know what he is going to do next. I call or text him and he often takes HOURS to write me back or call. He told me this last week that I am not the only one who he does this to, he says he ignores calls/texts from even his closest friends because he is "busy". This does little to comfort me. I dont know what to do. I have tried to walk away before and I just end up missing the "good" times (sex mostly, and the jokes we tell) and I come back for more. I know this pattern very well. I feel as though I am the "everything but" woman. I sleep with him, I talk with him daily BUT he has made it clear that he doesn't want to put any "label" on our relationship and in almost two years of us dating, I still feel like I am a toy on a shelf that he takes down to play with when he is horny and that I am no closer to his heart than I was a year ago. It hurts to bad. I feel like he does not consider my feelings. I have invited him to family events, functions with my friends and he wont go. He doesn't want to involve me with his close circle of buddies and I often wonder if he isn't living a secret life (as my ex did) where he is seeing an OW or several. The closest to commitment I have gotten with him is him saying that he is "choosing" to be with me only but he m makes it very clear that it is in no way a decision he is making because he feels he has to. I am so sick of these power plays, yet I cant seem to stick up for myself. Every time I ask to see him and he says "maybe" or call him and get no reply bc his phone is off and he tells me his phone was "dead" , a small part of me burns inside and I feel like I just want this pain to end. This is not even my full story but I just wanted to share a bit of what I am going through as I pray for the strength to love myself enough to make a change. I hate myself for staying this long. I should know better. I know all about NPD and I know I have several codependent traits in my personality, the worst being the struggle with letting go and having self-esteem. Codependents and N's are like glue from what I know and whenever I pull away from him, he seems to turn on the niceness. But then when he pulls away from me, I go running in chase. UGH. HELP!!!