Love was too much for him.

I realize now that much of the shame I have in regards to how I behaved was more to do with the fact that I made myself SO SMALL in order to fit into the tiny little box he told me I could be in, in order to give him enough "space" so he would not feel smothered by me or the relationship. On days where I wanted nothing more than to text or call him to say that I was thinking of him or ask to see him, I would often find myself having a dialogue in my own head saying "dont call him bc he might think that youre being too needy. dont tell him you miss him because he may not call you back." I played into the game of it all. he was never available to me in the first place, telling me that he did not want a "codependent" relationship from the beginning. I agreed with this wholeheartedly and due to the fact that I have been in my own recovery from CODA issues and was in a super enmeshed 2 year relationship last, I was very sensitive to not smothering him or being smothered. Over time, we were dating several months at that point, I began to ask to see him more than once a week and he started to pull away. I thought this was an unconscious thing until he told me that he holds back on purpose so that it will make me "miss" him more. he also said that he did not get "enough" time for himself, his friends and that when we hang out two times a week, that feels like "too much". All this after just shy of THREE YEARS of dating each other. I felt like I was bargaining and pleading for him to see me two times a week when friends of mine who had been with their 'partner's for half the length of my relationship were getting engaged, moving in or at least not feeling nervous to request time with the guy they were with. I took on the pathology of it, I told myself that I needed to defer to him so that I would not scare him away when I am starting to see that my want, to see the person I am committed to more than once a week is OKAY. I was a perfect target for him because he is avoidant and unable to have intimate relationships and I was in a place when we met where I was really hard on myself and a bit nervous to not fall back into wanting "too much" time with the guy in my life. With pathological types like those with NPD, they are unable to sustain a healthy level of closeness because they do not for secure attachments (which is what I was looking to him to eventually form. They do not bond AT ALL because they cant see outside their own egocentric world. He wanted to live on a high constantly and keeping me at arms length by restricting the amount of time he would agree to see me, Guaranteed that he would "be missed" and would want to rip my clothes off the min I finally came running to him. I am sad as I write that I allowed my most prized quality, to ACT LOVINGLY to be thwarted by that relationship. I was even afraid to tell him "I love you" because the first time I said it, he looked like I gave him sour milk. I realize that he wanted me there, once a week (twice if i was lucky) to fulfill his fantasies in bed, to stroke his ego and to have a very avoidant attachment to a person who was emotionally generous bc hey... why wouldnt he want to have a loving woman's adoration, support and vagina !!!! I am 7 days NC today and I am happy that I will never have to suppress my loving nature again.