Love and hate this site

I love that this site will help me remember what a sick man XX was, and I am sure still is. I hate this site because it ruins my fantasy that he will ever change. I only hate it at times like these when I miss him, or rather the great things I felt at times when I was with him. Just when I think I am done and I don't ever want to see him again...BAM! I feel this stupid, intense longing for what he was in the beginning, what I thought he was. I am angry at myself when I feel anything but disgust for him because he really is a horrible person. The more I post and comment here, the more concrete it becomes that I cannot ever go back and that he will never, ever be what he showed me in the very beginning. I am so frustrated that I can think, or know, one thing and feel another!! I have no appetite and am losing weight. What is wrong with me?
It reminds me of craving a cigarette(I used to smoke.) These intense cravings hit yet I know I don't want it and I know it will make me unhealthy and eventually probably kill me.
I will not contact him but I wish for this craving to just stop already!