lostgirl's story

What Just Happened? In Shock (My Story)

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I'd like to preface this by saying I know my relationship only lasted two months, but the emotions from meeting this man have touched the deepest part of my soul; I've dated throughout my life (I'm single and 37) but have never felt this way before. The highs and lows have been excruciating and I'm having trouble readjusting to normalcy (I've been NC since Thanksgiving, with several attempts before that).

Anyways, here's the story. Please also let me know if this man sounds like a Narc. Thanks so much reading.

This story starts off innocently enough. I was looking for reviews online Over a few days, I watched these videos and slowly started feeling a sort of connection to the guy. He was funny, charming, he had warm eyes. There was just something about him. Well one day, I left a comment on his channel basically saying, "hey I think you're kinda cute. I didn't see a ring on his finger in the videos, so thought I'd give it a shot.

I was happy to get a response the next day, and he complimented my profile photo too. Over several more days, these short emails grew to longer ones, and he'd play 'tag' by asking me a bunch of questions. I relished answering them and seeing HIS answers to the questions. Then the letters grew to essays, and we found we had more and more in common.

Then it went to texting on the phone and finally talking on the phone. It went on like this for weeks where we were in contact all hours of the day whether on text or phone or email. I was slowly falling for him and he was (seemingly) falling for me. How he couldn't stop thinking about me. Although, for someone who was so interested in me, outside of asking questions through e-mail, he hardly asked me any one the phone. In fact, it seemed like a long monologue, then he'd have to go.

In the midst of this he wrote me a long letter explaining that he had
kids from an ex-wife, and also a live-in girlfriend, and that they were no longer in love; that they were just roommates staying together for financial reasons. That she was dating someone. If I had known he had an actual relationship, I would have bailed immediately.

I was shocked at this, and knew it was a red flag, but by that time my heart was already in it. I stupidly said it didn't matter.

We were both very intensely into each other at that point. Constantly in contact through texts. Neither of us could eat or sleep, and he kept talking about our future together (HE that kind of talking, not me) and that somehow we could make this work. Just today I read all about how men 'future fake' to get what they want. It's a tactic that they actually practice. Oh, if only I could go back in time and war myself.

He had never felt this way before yada-yada (lie perhaps) and I hadn't either (truth). He kept telling he loved me digitally--then finally said he loved me. I said the same back, but knew that you can't truly love someone unless you have at least met them in person...which we finally made plans to do.

Both my parents immediately thought he was a user, but I didn't see it. He seemed so genuine.

The night we met, I was smitten and even crazier about
him. He was everything I dreamed of...although the first thing he said was that my CAR was beautiful (not me lol). Then later said I was cute and looked similar to Meg Ryan? I didn't know what to think of that. He never said anything nice about my appearance again after that.

We sat in the car listening to an album he gave me (which I've since thrown out, except for the fact those four songs which he played ALL night that night haunt me and play in my head painfully over and over sometimes)--he had also bought a few other gifts as well. Then he said he couldn't get out of the car yet because he had a hard-on??? We had talked sexually here and there on the phone (though it didn't dominate our conversations) so I guess he felt comfortable saying that. . Red flag, I know.

When we ate, he seemed like he was in a hurry (looking back on it). I don't remember him lingering over conversation. Then we got in the car, and I drove him to a neighborhood and park where we walked hand in hand. He had me wear his jacket. We went to a park and kissed for a couple hours. Then kissed in my car for a couple more. Things got a little sexual (which is not how I am at all--but I felt so
strongly...and was so stupid/clueless).

He kept suggesting we go back to his hotel room to cuddle. I
finally did (another stupid thing to do because I could have been raped, but I mistakenly though I knew the guy by now). There was no cuddling involved. He knew my sexual past--that I was very conservative, had never been naked with a guy, and was a virgin. He kept taking small steps to try to push me further and further and I felt completely out of control. He was aggressive in bed. NOT gentle..it hurt my legs, my back. Not the way you would treat someone you felt you were falling for. But I was so afraid of disappointing him or seeming prude I went along with it all. We didn't have intercourse but did almost all other things. I thought it odd that as soon as he 'finished' he immediately wanted to take me home.

The rides in the car throughout the night were also odd because he would just sing to the album he brought and not talk with me a whole lot, but we would keep holding hands throughout the whole ride. It was like I was riding alone, but with someone. A disconnected cold person. But at the same time, always looking over to make sure I was singing along with him. It was strange.

When I got home that night (around 5am), I felt physically sick aboutwhat I had done, and had nightmares when I'd fall asleep. I texted him that morning saying I wish I hadn't gotten physical, and had gone more slowly--and that I hoped moving too quickly hadn't ruined the relationship. He said he could leave early instead of staying another night, and we could have more of a 'first date' by going to the park
and tossing the ball around (what we had planned).

This is when the nightmare started. When I met with him that morning he seemed completely different. Didn't hold my hand, was acting like I was just a buddy. At the park he was checking his watch. We threw the ball back and forth and didn't speak much. Then we sat on a bench and when
I snuggled up to him he kind of moved away. He finally said "I want to run away from you." He half laughed and said "you hate me now don't you?" I couldn't believe my ears. Then suddenly he was talking about how things are too complicated for us to be together, it wouldn't really work. I started to cry.

We finally went back to the car, and true to his word he seemed like he was in a big hurry to leave. I dropped him off at his own car, and after a short kiss, I drove off and turned to wave but he didn't watch me leave at all.

He video skyped me that night in his hotel room in Delaware and seemed incredibly depressed. Again, the only thing he said was that I needed some sun and that I was 'cute'. Before that at the park he kept hinting that I would look better with my hair up (I had it down during our date the night before). I wanted to say, "who asked you asswipe?"

The distancing continued, there were no more terms of endearment (baby girl), no more 'good morning beautiful' texts. It was all gone. And when I would talk about it on the phone, he would completely deny it and tell me that I had changed (yeah, I know gaslighting. I didn't know then). There was no more romance or talk of futures, no flirting, just like we were business associates. I kept hanging on because my heart was still 100 percent.

I threatened several times to just leave the whole thing (to which he never seemed very upset) and I would just keep coming back, disbelieving all of the obvious signs that he was no longer feeling anything for me. I finally wrote an email telling him that he had used me and how much he had
hurt me. We got into an argument on the phone after that. He said that he thought I was different, but was like every other girl he had ever met. That my emotions and feeling for him were now just me "being a girl". Yet, he still set up another time to come visit me and said he had feelings (I could tell he didn't, but again I believe his words and not his actions).

His texts became colder, and cruel at times. Making fun of my feelings that still remained. 3 days before he was supposed to visit, I told him that the relationship was dead in the water, and cut contact. I he sent one word back to my email: ok. That was it. One word.

I was in such deep pain and depression, I could hardly make it day to day. A week later I broke down and sent him a message telling him that we could just be friends and that I would always remember him and that I hoped the best for him. He responded almost immediately and we texted back and forth a few times and he went to bed. I felt happy
again; the world was right.

But as friends he was barely in my life anymore. It was a dagger being driven deeper and deeper into my open, irritated wound. He went for days without even contacting me. I clung to my phone like a drug addict, checking and checking and checking for SOMETHING from him. I was drifting through life with blinders on, not seeing anything except for the phone.

Only a few days ago, he finally called. I was so happy, I had a big smile on my face--my mom was begging me to hang up (I was visiting her), but I couldn't.
The conversation was very sexual after the niceties ("we can still be friends but I'm still going to want to **** you"), and the talks about how he didn't want me to wait around for him, and how he didn't want to hurt me (too late). And he mentioned stopping by my house on the
way back from Florida (he was driving at the time he called). I said maybe..feeling so desperate by then, I was almost considering just sleeping with him just to be close to him again; losing my virginity, that I was saving so long for someone I loved.

He told me yet another story of cheating on his ex-wife while she was pregnant with her first child. Not even a hint of guilt for what he did. It was because she wouldn't have sex with him!! So that makes it alright? This guy was nothing like the man I had come to know. This man seemed cold and evil.

I wasn't recognizing my usually logical/smart/no-nonsense/never let a guy push me around self. My
heartbreak was making all the decisions--my ego was desperate for the renewed interest in me physically that had all but disappeared after he met me in person.

He was cold and aloof again on text the next day (I realize now it was because I hadn't committed to him coming for a visit to have sex. It was the second time I had sensed that and refused.). When I said I missed how we used to be, he texted back and said "are you being a girl again?" Another dagger, deeper, more penetrating.

I also started to figure that he was lying about his girlfriend. That they WERE in a relationship, and that he was cheating on her with me, all the while telling me that they didn't love each other anymore. So now I feel horrible about that too, even though I was mislead.

So finally, the night before last, I blocked his numbers, his email, everything to do with him. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. I felt so used and rejected, foolish, humiliated; like a begging dog. I felt like I was falling in love with someone who disappeared and faded right before my very eyes. Or even worse, never existed in the first place.

My grief has frighteningly turned into a deep depression.
Nothing in life is enjoyable to me anymore. I can't stop crying, I wake up feeling so horrible, and can't stand to be alone by myself--whether at home, or driving in my car. Something I used to enjoy.

Thoughts of what went wrong, why did he fall out of love or like with me. What if I had gone slower physically. I would have figured out that he just wanted to use me. But my feelings and lack of experience with sexuality ended up destroying me and caused some bad decision making.

I have fantasies of just leaving him in the park that day--the day he said he wanted to 'run away from me'. Telling him to get a cab (I drove us there) and never looking back.

Now all I can do these days is look back and cry.

I still hope for him to call so I can tell him off. I hope that he tries different ways to contact me just as a sign that I cross his mind even a little bit. But I know it's all false, and that the contacting me has to do with control and not emotional attachment (yup, I've been reading up on here).

The triggers are unbearable. Black Toyota Camrys are everywhere. Music that even sounds like the music we listened to in the car, sad music, romantic music, the rain, my back deck where we talked for hours and hours. Even just cars on the road around me. We both loved talking about cars.

Another odd thing I wanted to add. He lives 4.5 hours from me. It took him 9 to get to where I lived. I'm guessing he probably stopped and had a shag with another girl on the way down.

Anyways, thanks for reading my long story. I'm guessing he is a narc and possibly a sociopath or psychopath. He certainly doesn't have empathy, I know that for a fact.