lostandhopeful's story

I met my ex in college, I look back and I see why he chose me. I was young, not very worldly and he probably picked up on my low self-esteem and need to be loved.

To get to the point, I eventually married this man after thinking he was my world. He was loving and nurturing in the beginning he seemed to care about my goals, feeling, and ideas. Overtime, I started feeling drained as he would verbably abuse me and put me down for my looks, weight, hair, and even people I had dated and slept with before him. In fact a source of our arguments was because I slept with another man while we were DATING. It was a former boyfriend who I ran to after he hit me. Yes, I know that was a sign, but it is hard to explain how I just thought he was everything. How he knew my thoughts and feelings and could almost at times read my mind. Not to mention how I would think I was failing him and wanted to do better. After he hit me and I had slept with a former boyfriend. He put on the charm told me he was sorry and would never do it again. I NEVER told him about the incident.

We were married 4 years later. During this time the relationship was overall okay or bearable. However he would have weird requests, like no friends over, I could not be in the bathroom getting ready in the morning he needed his space. It got to the point that with his comments I felt I was useless. I even kept a journal of what NOT to do to upset him. I thought I was losing it. He would tell me one thing that would be the RULE and then it would change suddenly.

One day he asked me about my faithfullness while we were dating and I could not lie to him. He was beyond angry. I told him this was while we were dating and after he hit me this never mattered. For the record I was NEVER unfaithful during our marriage. IN fact he later decided that he would and should be aloud to have affairs because I was dishonest to him. He would say almost daily. "You are my wife on paper only and not in my hear...you will have to earn your wife status back" In fact he felt he was free to do whatever he wanted. He bought a Trans Am a Mustang and a luxury car. Three cars for one man that only make 50K a year.

He continued to insist that I lose weight keep to a tight schedule to ensure dinner was, ready, kids were taken care of. I did everything. He played video games violent ones like Grand Theft Auto, He would make me watch the scenes of him with other girls. My daughter would watch the game with him and began to lose a since of right and wrong. He saw nothing wrong with this. I started reaching out to church. Thinking this would help. He refused to go. IN fact telling me to take my spiritual self to church so I could learn to be a better wife. In other words serve him. He never saw fault in anything. I started to refer to him as King.... when I addressed him, in sarcasm. He then later reminded me that he litrerlly was the king and I should do as he said.

After a long time of taking care of him, two kids, catering to his every whim, and going back to school. I began to lose a lot of weight, was sick, went into a depression and developed severe panic attacks. I went on and am still on three years after leaving him in '97 meds for both. I am divorced now and deal with images of him yelling at me, pushing me down the stairs, taking things from me, demanding that I pay for things I wanted. Things as trivial as the kind of pop I likes, since he would not drink it I should pay for it. I had to account for my spending and where I would go. I lost almost all contact with family and friends. He would tell me that if I tried to leave and tell my story that people would think I was crazy. I believed this for 5 year before I left. He bruised my leg, chipped my tooth, daily verbably abused me, accused me of multilple affairs, which I now wonder if he was projecting his own affairs.

I could go on forever,there is so much more to tell.He made the divorce difficult, it lasted 2 years. I finally one full custody of the kids. He even took them from me for a time. It was hard to get them back. I am with someone now who has know red flags. I feel loved and cared for by them. However, I find myself being incapable of taking in their love and affection. I often try to end the relationship out of fear that he will be an N to. I am often scared and can't sleep. I dread seeing my ex N. I have intense anxiety when I see him. I also find myelf acting as if my new guy is abusive. I make decisions without consulting him that are silly. Like being afraid to fix dinner without telling him what it is first. Feeling like I have to ask permission to leave. He has told me that I am free to do whatever, just live life, and be happy. He had told me that it is normal not to be afraid. But I am. I do not know how to go on. Everything he does just seems weird. He has never hit or yelled at me and that actually seems odd. We make decisions together and compromise. My ex never knew what that word meant it was always about him. My kids who are 6 and 8 even prefer to be around my new guy than there father.

I wish that I would not dream about my ex anymore, I wish I could get beyond the hurt but it is so hard. My ex raped me twice when married. I had just had a panic attack and was out cold on meds. I woke up to him having sex with me I was terrified. He told me it was a dream and told me to go back to sleep. I told him to stop, he looked at me and laughed. I closed my eyes and took it. I am terrified that this new great guy will turn out to be an N. How can I know what is normal when I was tricked the first time? How can I get over this? How can I learn to trust this new man? Sadly, I love him, but never will as much as my ex, because I know at least now that I will not fully trust him or anyone again.