LostandConfused's story

So I have been coming to this site for awhile now to read the stories of so many other people and today I decided to join and post my story. I'm 25 years old and I feel that the life is being completely sucked out of me. I have been in a relationship with a guy now for 3 years and since day one there were red flags that I ignored because now that I look back I thought I could "fix" the situation. I started dating a man that I worked with when I was 22 years old and he was 23. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. We started dating in October and in December of that same year I decided to have people over my house and I invited him. He came over and everyone was drinking and having a good time but by the time the night was over he had left without even saying good bye. Later that night I received a call from his phone but it wasnt him it was the sheriff's department. The sheriff's department told me that he was arrested for dui and was being taken in. He stated that the N told him that we had gotten into a fight and he had hit my car and took off because he was angry. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what he was talking about. The next morning my neighbor came to my door and stated that his car had been hit and he wanted to know what was going on. It all of a sudden made since to me. Long story short he was charged with 2 counts of dui for being almost three times the legal limit and 2 counts of hit and run. He got out of jail that morning and I called him to say what the heck happened and figure out what was going through his mind. He picked up the phone said Fuck you and hung up. He blamed the entire thing on me and said that we had gotten into a fight and I told him he needed to leave so I was to blame for all of it. MISTAKE#1 I still stayed.

We went through months of court hearings back and forth back and forth and I thought he was going to jail. I paid for his attorney and come to find out he did not have car insurance so I help pay for more expenses. It was a living nightmare and all the time I was to blame. Now that I look back I realize the manipulation and projecting started early on. Months went by and I stayed. Fast forward a year through cheating and lying and abuse and projecting, I started shutting down emotionally and I would cry and he would get in my face and say "You are the biggest faker I have ever met in my life. Those are fake tears. You are lucky you know how to fuck because you are worthless." I caught him cheating on me with another girl from work and when I did he said you are a fucking cunt for going through my stuff. He would through all my stuff outside on the front lawn and say here let me pack your shit so you learn not to be snooping through my things. Two days would go by and he would return and say Im sorry lets go to counseling lets really make this work or he would say I did not say what you are telling me I said you are crazy. I left at this point and felt that I could not take anymore emotionally, physically, mentally or financially. I just ran and kept running and running. I went through months of depression and suicidal thoughts and did not know how to barely stand on my own two feet. Seven months went by no contact. nothing. Granted i still had to see him every day at work but I walked in like a zombie and left like a zombie. I was in the worst state of mind.

Seven months later he was back. He had ran out on his supply and called me to "see how I was doing". I was hesitant at first and did not say anything. He was persistent and I finally agreed to see him for dinner. From there it started at first every thing was great i was on cloud nine but as soon as he had me, he was back to his old ways. Three months back into our relationship I found out I was pregnant and he was so supportive and "happy". I started having alot of complications and ended up having a miscarriage at 2 months. He was there for me through the whole thing and it was a nightmare. I fell into a deep depression and I could not get out of bed at times. He was very supportive and I thought to myself wow maybe he does really care and maybe he does really get it now that life is too short to be dealing with all this drama. NO i was wrong!!! Two weeks later cheating cheating cheating and never admitted it. The yelling, the name calling the screaming, the projecting and the mood swings.

Fast forward three months: My birthday. FEBRUARY 12 2011. THE worst night of my life. I was turning 25 and he bought me roses and made a cake for me and I was showered with attention and I felt like I was on top of the world. We went out for the night with a group of my friends and everyone was having a good time laughing and once again BIG MISTAKE DRINKING. It was like a light switch went off in his head when he drank. We were all out and I was chatting with my friends and he was chatting with his friends. When all of a sudden he started getting into an altercation with my friends cousin who happened to be another male. The other guy was an innocent guy who was just there for my birthday and out of nowhere the N was in his face and pissed. They were in each other's faces and for no reason the N was in a complete rage and he left me there and said I am done with you. My car and all my belongings were at his house so my friend took me back there to get them and thats when it all began.

I was thrown to the floor by the N and dragged across the floor by my ankles. I was in shock and he was on top of me and pulling me across the floor by my hair trying to get me out of "his" house or "his" parents house. I was trying to collect my belongings and all my belongings were thrown on the front lawn along with my birthday cake and everything I owned. At one point I was holding onto the doorframe and I was screaming at the top of my lungs because I thought I was going to die. He was on top of me and I bite him to get him off and tried to go into the other room and lock myself inside. It seemed like he was gone and I remember laying down on the bed in such a relief and thinking to myself its over. No it wasn't. He busted the door down and poured a glass of water over my head and told me that THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT WOULD HAVE COME FROM ME WAS OUR CHILD AND I COULDNT EVEN HANDLE THAT. THAT I WAS A FAILURE IN EVERYTHING. he pulled me back outside and slammed the door on me. I sat there lifeless and crying. I was laying on the cement outside with all of my clothes around me bruised and battered and he opened the window to the kitchen above me and began to say horrible things that were completely false. He heard sirens at one point and got nervous so he pulled me back inside and at this point I was starting to blackout in shock. He said I hope someone called the cops and with my hair in one hand he began to hit himself in the chest saying that if the cops came he was going to tell them I hit him first. The cops never came and I woke up the next morning on the couch bruised and aching and he was DONE with me again. He told his family I was crazy and that I fell and thats why I had bruises on my body. He told me that he had not done what I accused him of and that I was crazy and making stories up in my mind.

I fell into a deep deep hole. I took two weeks off from work and I barely got out of bed. I couldn't sleep, shower, brush my hair or do anything. I had completely lost it. All of this and he contacted me saying that we needed to see therapy. Never a sorry or an apology or anything. Here I am and I doubt myself. I feel that I will never trust anyone again and I have severe anxiety and depression and yet he is still here. He says that no one is ever going to be with me because I am so "jaded". Im so lost and fragile and I know its really over but its always my fault and it just keeps me here. I am crying as I type this I feel alone and scared but I don't think he will ever truly leave me alone. When I do leave he says oh so now your going to ignore me and he calls me 15 times in less than 5 minutes to make sure I am still within arms reach. I need out of his drama but I can barely figure out which way is up and which way is down. Sorry for venting but I just needed to get that out.