So the big wide world opened itself up to me tonight.
I realised that with all the research on NPD, all the facts that stare me I'm the face about XN, all the knowledge I now have, there absolutely is no going back.
Going forward scares the absolute living day lights out of me. I don't trust myself anymore... well let's face it, I never trusted myself or my gut instincts to begin with because if I had, I wouldn't be in this position.
I have a beautiful daughter that is my responsibility to raise now. And it scares me. Making decisions for me and her scares me because what if I make the wrong one.
I've made the wrong decisions for the past 4 years with XN and in the last 4 months of our relationship I've forced the numerous D&D's by standing up for myself and yes, in terms of 'lessons learned' I've struck gold but I've stood still since. I am too paralysed with fear to move forward. I'll never go back but for some stupid reason I feel miserably safe in standing still in this quicksand. I can feel it slowly rising up my legs trying to gobble me up and I know I need to MOVE. The angel on my shoulder is screaming at me 'MOVE, do something, get out or you'll be swallowed by this nothingness' But I'm too scared to move.
And the devil on my other shoulder is saying 'better the devil you know then the devil you don't'.
Is this a normal feeling? Did everyone else go through this or am I just going nuts?
The world (well my State at least) is my oyster but I'm too overwhelmed to grab the opportunity with both hands and run with it.