Losing focus on No Contact

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#1 Aug 14 - 6PM
betty2020
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Losing focus on No Contact

We need to remember that "No Contact" is for the purpose of healing in recovery and not used as means to punish the Narc or teach him a lesson. This can NOT be done! He is not teachable. He is the Instructor, The professor, the head honcho. The program that he has devised in his head is solid and it works, Right?. I know it worked on me, i fell in hook, line and sinker....He has tested this program over and over and has his mastery down to a science. When something is working for you do you change it? Hell no! He will NOT take your No Contact stance and think "wow, i really need to change the way i am treating this person because i have hurt them and i want to keep them in my life", thats how the normies think. He is not normal, he is disordered! He is thinking more along the lines of this, "man (I) better figure out a way to get my ass back in good graces, what if (I) need to get laid tomorrow, what if (I) get lonely and need my ego stroked, what if (I) want to do something Friday night and (I) dont have someone to do it with, what if (I) need emotional or financial support or someone to cook and clean for me...etc... Look at those (I's)!
It is all about him! No U's in a narcs world unless they are projections. U owe it to me to be my friend and be nice to me. U should never get angry at me, tell me your unhappy, have expectations or deny me in any request i demand. U should just do as i say and not as i do.
So do you think now that it is worth risking your recovery and setting yourself back weeks, months years for a person that only has his interest at heart? Do you want a give and give relationship? Or a give and get one. Every time you have caved and made any contact, yes even one word contact is contact, you have put the focus back on him and diverted it from where it should be, "YOU". Hes happy as a pig in shit when this happens and your left standing there once again with that dazed and glazed over look, with obsessive thoughts and analyzing every little aspect of this ABUSIVE relationship. Here we go again...Your back on the merry go round.

So this "No Contact" is for the purposes of regaining your strength, Re grouping your thoughts to focus on you as opposed to him, and finding a new you so that you can live a healthy and happy life in the future. You owe this to your self. You are the most valuable creature that exist now. Would you use the HOPE diamond to mash your potatoes with? I doubt it. You are the HOPE diamond. Its time you start treating yourself like the treasure that you are.

Lots of Love...xoxo

Aug 24 - 3PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

This is the topic that

This is the topic that brings about the most trouble. We are still Confusing what the purpose of no contact is meant for. Lately i have been seeing that a lot of post refer to Silence or No Contact as a means to teach the Narc or pay him/her back. It can not happen. When he begins to loose it b/c you are not contacting him/her it is not because he loves you and misses you. He is loosing it b/c he relys on you to get his needs met (supply). This is a very big difference and should never be confused. Please dont mix them up or you will put yourself back in that old position of doormat again and back on that rollarcoaster. His motives are pure selfishness. He will use all means possible to convince you that he has changed his ways. For many, you have already had a second or third go around with no progress to be seen. For those who haven't, you will. Do not forget what he is. Dont forget that his disorder is incurable and that he will not change. I will be posting articles over the next week relating to the (illness) of the personality disordered Narc and Psychopath. I will try to post as much as i can with creditable doctors that are leading authority's in this area. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 16 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Why I DON'T want him

Before I found this website, I felt tempted to call my ex-Psych professor (along with all my other former professors) It's been a decade. I hadn't idealized him as the Great Teacher, but I had normalized him. Then I found this website, and, thank God, I realized WHY I hadn't called him. I decided to come up with a little list- 1)The negativity 2)The put-downs 3)The dishonesty 4)The outright cruelty 5)Anger whenever I was happy 6)Anger whenever I was sad 7)The power plays 8)The impotence when it came to philosophy 9)The impotence when it came to personal things 10)The cold lack of emotions 11)The utter lack of original ideas (there IS no brain Viagra to cure that) 12)The memories--too many to list here 13)Inability to acknowledge my achievements 14)Inability to forgive 15)Inability to TRULY listen and empathize Why would I WANT that? I don't. Even if he talked to me, I'd be the one tuning him out...like he had tuned me out.
Aug 31 - 9AM (Reply to #33)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Susan, Im going to make this

Susan, Im going to make this a separate post....thank you.. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 17 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

you look at that list and

you look at that list and wonder why would we....I guess it has something to do with lack of self love and self worth that allows us to accept so little for our selves. This is an area we need tremendous work on...thanks for that Susan only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 12PM (Reply to #32)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's not punishment, it's protection

After writing that list, I came to the realization (and gratitude) that I NEVER got physically and romantically involved with my ex-Psych professor. A man who bullied me did not DESERVE to be my boyfriend. A man who was an emotional stranger did NOT deserve to be physically intimate with me. Sex is incredibly intimate, and I wasn't going to jump into bed with a man who was emotionally distant (as well as disconnected from his own body-not only I wouldn't enjoy it, but he'd be incapable of enjoying it too) Originally, I went NC from my ex-P for the sake of my physical safety. But in retrospect it was emotional safety as well.
Aug 17 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

you look at that list and

you look at that list and wonder why would we....I guess it has something to do with lack of love and self worth that allows us to accept so little for our selves. This is an area we need tremendous work on...thanks for that Susan only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 16 - 9AM
MissM
MissM's picture

Betty thanks, you said it

Betty thanks, you said it all. Beautifully. Your timing was superb. A year of no contact - albeit enforced - and I still think I can handle now being in contact with him. No I can't. Thank u xx
Aug 16 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Im so proud of you Miss M.

Im so proud of you Miss M. Dont give up what you have worked so hard for. Hes not worth it. No one is worth it. Im glad you see that. No contact is forever. its the only way..xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 14 - 11PM
lynn61
lynn61's picture

betty

thanks for your words. i just sent them to my daughter who got a disgusting email from her father (our N) and is making a decision on whether or not to speak to him or go NC completely. she said "that was powerful and empowering. no wonder you like that site so much mom". you are so grounded betty, thanks again.

really??

Aug 16 - 8AM (Reply to #26)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Thank you Lynn...xoxo Hope

Thank you Lynn...xoxo Hope your daughter will join us... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 14 - 10PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is so right on

This is great advice. The narc does not get punished or hurt by NC. They get angry and fear they are losing control so they up the ante and lay on the BS. We often mistake this for caring or love, fall for it and are right back at square one or even worse. I foolishly took back my X after he did 40 days in jail because he cryed, begged, declared himself to me, ect.. and it was so much worse when he got back. He hurt me again, stole again, lied again, was sucky in bed some more, and I lost more of my self respect. I also lost my restitution from the courts, they took it away when he got sentenced again for more jail time. So taking him back also cost me 5 grand and he insulted me some more and the insults were even worse than before. On occasion I miss the notion or idea of him, however, him, I do not like or love anymore. I am in love with the idea of being in love and if I have to sell my soul to the devil to get it, I am all set!!!!! NC has not been easy. There have been many occasions where I wanted to write him to tell him off or talk to his friends to get the low down and I come here instead. I read the stories and comments and am quickly reminded how these efforts would be futile and then my thinking becomes clear once more. Doesn't matter what I say, he will NEVER get it. He is not the point anymore, I am. Living a quality life for myself is the point and a vulture, vampire sucking, swine, parasite, soul snatching, spiritually deprived, hollow shell of a man is just not in the cards for the life I aspire to live. Thanks for a great post. God bless, Goldie
Aug 16 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

yes yes yes goldie....he is

yes yes yes goldie....he is not worth it!!!!xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 14 - 10PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

this needs to be bookmarked

I mean this post should be flagged - right at the top! NO CONTACT IS KEY! speaking as someone who went no contact before the internet existed, early 90s, i know with all my heart that NO CONTACT is the key to survival. I have flourished, and you can too. stop engaging with the mean psycho who has been ruling your life - listen to your intuition about him! it is hard to do this at first, no doubt, very hard, you might even feel it is not humanly possible! but when you have been apart from the Narc with no contact for a while (let's say 3-6 mos) you will say, oh thank God that I am away from this soul-crushing monstrosity!
Aug 16 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

i will ask Lisa if i can

i will ask Lisa if i can book mark it.....Hes not worth your soul...You got it!!!xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 14 - 9PM
moonshine
moonshine's picture

I see him everyday

I work with him...I see him everyday...we have had breakfast lunch and dinner together everyday. I am cut off from this routine now by my own effort. No contact doesn't seem to apply to me. I was just thinking today that I have to deal this NC in a different way ...with more technique as its different for me ..may be? I hear him talk..I see him do things every minute ....its difficult. When I am away from him i feel better...feel like i have time to grieve or think back on things to move on. But as I see him everyday I tend to fall back. I have to respond to him when he is asking questions in front of others. I think people heal faster with NC but i need to approach this in a different way...i guess. What i have been doing is that...i keep telling my mind every time something happens ...that ..he is not worth it...he will do the same to everyone....he has hurt me....and then think back on worst times and move on. I feel i am moving in the positive direction but i fear that I might react to some other pain he might inflict by just being him. There were situation i started to have panic attacks...but i have over come it twice so far. I hope to do better.
Aug 19 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

"I think people heal faster

"I think people heal faster with NC but i need to approach this in a different way...i guess." We recover YES, and healing is just part of our recovery. Recovery has much more to do with just healing from the past of the abuser himself. It is about finding ourselves through introspection, being aware of our triggers, knowing what abuse is from a distance, Setting boundaries for a new way of living, gaining self respect and love for ourselves that we have lost and helping those that are still lost in the cycle of abuse. This is about becoming a whole person so we never travel down that road ever again luv. Not sure if this can be done when the life is being sucked out of you. I haven't seen this before when there is active contact with the abuser. I hope you will consider a different approach if you find that your way is not working....lots of love. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

betty2020 and all...

Thanks for writing. What you are saying is exactly right. I am not able to see past him and his abuse and making very slow progress. I cant see light on the other side of the tunnel. I cant think in my mind that I will find myself and gain self respect. Its very hard. I have to go lunch with the office and its a pretty small crowd. He sits there and flirts with other women. She laughs...he laughs....I sit there like a dead person. I dont talk or I dont socialize at work lunches. I am just tired that I dont even try to talk to people when all this is happening in front of my eyes. But...whatever strength that is left in me tells me that I can get up and walk again. I dont need to be a part of this....but its very low. Yes, if this does not work out i will have to figure a way to get away....whatever it may take to be away and gain me some sanity. A day goes by with no one ever asking me how I am doing. Thanks betty for writing and it makes a big difference. Thanks to all the members who has written to me..
Aug 20 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I am so sorry honey that you

I am so sorry honey that you have to go through this. I know it is very difficult when you have to work with the person. Your options are very limited. I dont know what kind of rapport you have with your boss but if it is a good one maybe you could arrange to keep distance with him by eating in a different location or relocating yourself within the company office. I know you will begin to feel so much better once this physical contact has been removed from you daily life. Please let us know if your able to make any ground with this. Dont want you to rock the boat with this if your boss is not understanding but if so that would be in the best interest of you sanity dear....please keep me posted. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 14 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Moonshine

I give you sooo much credit! My xN lives 600 miles away and I don't honestly dont know if I could be as strong as you are! You are right. he is NOT worth it & he WILl do the same thing to everyone. DONT DOUBT THAT! Even when we question whether they will or not. they really do. I've said on other posts not only will they do the same to others but they get worse. I am 52 yrs old and had maybe 1-2 panic attacks due to a job I had. Since NC I wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night. Some so severe I havent been able to go to work the next day cuz I can't walk out my front door. And I don't have to even worry about him being there! You are a strong woman! You'll be good for sooo many women on this site! :-) Stay here with us. coming here has helped me more than words can say. you are here. you're already doing better.
Aug 14 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

thanks ..faithinthefuture

Thanks for writing back. Thanks for understanding. Its been very hard. Sometimes I run outside the workplace to practice the breathing exercise for panic attacks and try to subside it. Sometimes i run to the restroom to just cry...during work. I am here on the site everyday....spend all my free time reading....this site has helped me much than people around me(hardly any). Very true how all of these stories and success stories has helped me to see better...in a different perspective. I have also read here that many of us have gone NC for months and still feel the effect of their Ns......hence i though there is no hope for me as I see him everyday...know what he has been doing with others and also tolerate the other "interest" of his at work. I feel SHAME ...just shame about myself.....but I am moving in the right direction...I can see that. So..i thought the first rule of OUR FIGHT CLUB ...NC.... does not apply to me and i need to reprogram my mind some how to deal with it as I am facing the worst fear of all everyday..every minute. Again thanks for the encouraging words as no one around me understands it and they all blame me for the happenings....including my N.
Aug 19 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
M
M's picture

moonshine

I cannot go completely NC either as my xN & I have a young daughter. But I do my best! I ONLY communicate with him via email. And only on logistical information regarding our daughter. I delete his texts. His calls go straight to voice mail. I ignore the information he sends with those methods. I send him an email...with the tag line "If you do not respond, I will assume that you agree with me." I plan on asking my daughter's teacher to hold separate conferences for us. I had the court implement a "honk & seatbelt" order--when he comes to my house to pick up or drop off my daughter, he cannot get out of his car. At soccer games, school plays etc... I stay in the opposite side of the room from him. If he tries to come over & talk to me, I pretend my phone rang & walk off..or mumble that I have to use the ladies room & walk off. Sounds like you work with your N. Maybe you could switch hours or departments. The folks on this site are very helpful with great advice. Good luck. It's been almost 5 months that I have implemented this.
Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

I have children too

and I have had one week NC. But they see him this weekend and the last time they came home, I just stayed inside the house. Last week he saw them for the evening and I did the same thing, just stayed in the house and told my son to accept the support CHQ on my behalf. I wonder how he is going to react in the long run of me trying to stay NC. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

Dear M

Thanks for writing. I can see how you are able to relate to my situation and your examples of your effort helps me. I have minimized talking only to work and it may be few times a day but the other things that he does to get me down kills me. Flirting with other women and having fun brings me down. But last time when I talked with him he said.."I never loved you" and "I was looking at other women when I was with you". These two things hit hard in my heart and I dont think I want to talk to someone who did not love me. I did EVERYTHING for him only for LOVE...and that was never there...then there is no reason for anything. I hope your dealing with your xN be good this way and hope he does not give you any troubles. Thanks for taking time to answer me.
Aug 24 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

My god, Moonshine,

He pulls no punches at all, does he. Don't you find it hard to resist the urge to tell him, "yeah it doesn't surprise me at all....'cus your'e an ASSHOLE!!!!
Aug 31 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

I wish...shaynasmommy..

I wish i could say that. I feel that but in my heart I am just shocked that he treat me this way and say these things that there was never love and was interested in other women all the while...it hurts....i must have been naive to walk into the web. I will in a while say...."he is just an asshole".... well..."HE is just an ASSHOLE"...I SAID IT!!!
Aug 20 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
M
M's picture

Moonshine

Hang in there. Try not to even talk to him at work. Just walk off. Find true friends you can hang out with. And smile at a cute guy. You tried to love him. I tried to love my x too. But we deserved to be loved back. I have had breakups before....but those men never did the D&D like my xN. This site has helped me a ton.
Aug 20 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

Thanks M

Thanks M for the encouraging words. I havent talked with him since the starting of the week. I am just walking off and he seem to maintain his distance as well as I said "we are done" (well, he was done with me way before that or it never was anything ..i guess). I am trying to make friends( my friends are away from where I live) and move on. Yes, I gave all my heart and soul to him. I trusted him with all my heart. These have left me drained with no self love for myself. You are right and we deserve to be loved back. In a normal break up we are not left to be dead with panic attacks and anxiety. Both feels sorry in a normal break up but here I feel like I have been beaten to death, especially when he stopped giving me affection (which he showed in the beginning). This site has helped me a ton too. Thanks for taking time to write to me.
Aug 20 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
M
M's picture

moonshine

I just saw the movie "Eat Pray Love". (I hadn't read the book but it's good too. The main message is to find YOU...love YOU...discover YOU. And stick to that. My favorite line: "I don't need to love you to love me." And I suggest reading "the Spiritual rules of Engagement". Experience with an N is a lesson for us. We need to learn & grow from it. (Remember N's can never learn.) And don't lose faith that you will find the partner that will truely elevate & support you. He will come when you are at peace with yourself. This forum is great.
Aug 20 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
M
M's picture

Moonshine

Hang in there. Try not to even talk to him at work. Just walk off. Find true friends you can hang out with. And smile at a cute guy. You tried to love him. I tried to love my x too. But we deserved to be loved back. I have had breakups before....but those men never did the D&D like my xN. This site has helped me a ton.
Aug 14 - 7PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Betty

Today I am 20 weeks, 141 days NC. I have NO desire to break that and I know I won't. I broke contact the last time I was D&D and all it brought me was even more heartache and lonliness and lies and cheating. I swore this last time (even tho it was me who D&D him because of the pain he caused) I would NEVER contact him again. i would NEVER give him that satisfaction again.I'm too stubborn and this time I WILL WIN! But woke up feeling out of sorts. I still haven't figured out why. And I know this is trivial but today my son(who's 25, lives upstairs from me & detests the N) said Ma will you make your tuna casserole for dinner? Was the Ns fave dinner I made. It brought soo many feelings back to the surface...hurt anger disbelief sadness and then I thought to myself F U! I am making one of your fave dinners and your'e not here to eat it and NO ONE you know knows how to make it so you'll never have it again. And I smiled. But it still hurts. Felt like a knife in my heart. And someday when I can afford it I think I'm going to go buy myself a HOPE diamond. :-) thank you betty for your words of wisdom and encouragement and belief. God Bless You