Loosing oneself while supporting the Narcissit

Read a really interesting book about Narcissism

One part that really stood out, amongst a lot, for me was a chapter on the Narcissist's victims.

"The narcissist lead an unpredictable, vicissitudinal, precarious, often dangerous life. His ground is ever shifting: geographically as well as mentally. He changes addresses, workplaces, vocations, avocations, interests, friends and enemies with a bewildering speed He baits authority and challenges it.

He is, therefore, prone to conflict: likely to be a criminal, a rebel, a dissident, or a critic. He gets bored easily, trapped in cycles of idealization and devaluation of people, places, hobbies, jobs, values. He is mercurial, unstable, and unreliable. His family suffers: his spouse and children have to wander with him in his private desert, endure the Via Dolorosa that he incessantly walks.

They live in constant fear and trepidation: what next? where next? who is next? To a lesser extent, this is the case with the narcissist's friends, bosses, colleagues, or with his country, These biographical vacillations and mental oscillations deny the people around him autonomy, unperturbed development and self-fulfilment, their path to self-recongnition and contentment."

My marriage was about change, and not change that I wanted. From the moment we started dating, we were on a rollercoaster, that took none of my desires and goals into consideration. In the seven years we were married, he had 4 job changes, we lived in 4 different homes and three different states. He would start a new job, and feel like he was the hero saving the company. As soon as the honeymoon period wore off, and he was no longer the knight and shinning armor, he would get bored at work, and need to find a new job. He had disdain for most employees. In every job he created an us and them. He and everyone who supported him were the Us. Everyone who questioned him was the Them. He would tell employees...either you are part of the solution or not. You can guess who was leading the solution. If things at the company were going wrong, you could bet it was the negativity of the people who were part of the them. He always cast himself as the brilliant hero, even if the company was crashing. Then, it was off to the next job.

If the job was steady, then we had to move for more excitement. If we got bored with the house, then we had to go to another state. The worst thing in H's mind was something stable. To him, a man who put his family first, worked hard and didn't make waves, and was happy to limit their time at the office to be home was just a mediocre man. He was average, boring. H would rather be dead.

If you don't have a family, then maybe this attitude would be fine, but when you are married to someone like this, you slowly die. I felt like my life was constantly being uprooted. I could never settle in long enough to pursue my own goals. My successful career was abandoned with each move. Didn't matter if I loved a job, loved friends, loved a community, or if the kids were settled. It was always about following him.

I never felt like a partner in any of the decisions to make another major life decision. He would talk to me already having made a decision. The talks were more about how to convince me or manipulate me to going along.

Over time, I became resentful. How was I suppose to have my own life, goals, desires, ambitions if we had to keep moving or changing for his? When I expressed this, I was not being supportive. I was not appreciative, He would say things like, ultimately, I make more money so we have to follow my carreer. He would also hold our material comfort over my head. He would say things like...you have a nice house, car, etc. you are so ungrateful. I can't tell you how many times I would say that I would give it all up to feel like a respected partner in the marriage, and to be able to pursue my own dreams.

So, for seven years I followed my H around, sacrificing goals. And in the end, he discarded me as he did every job, house, friend, etc. In fact, his only "friends" are past girlfriends and current employees that are part of his solution "cult."

All the time I was married, there was a part of me that said,,,,this isn't working for me. I am not a partner. He is not interested in me really pursuing myself. He is only if it fits into his life. I grew angrier and angrier. It is not worth hanging onto someone who doesn't encourage you the same way you encourage them. It's not worth hanging onto someone who finds nothing wrong in asking you to do most of the sacrificing in the relationship. In the end, you totally loose yourself, and all you have is the beast who feels he has a right to take everything and anything away from you.

My next step is to take my energy and start directing it towards the life and goals I had to sacrifice to support his life and goals.