Looking at myself and it's not pretty

I pretty much sucked at trying to heal myself and get away from Narc boy last week. I tortured myself as much as I possibly could. He pulled the disappearing act on my Friday afternoon until this morning because I'm sure his weekend was filled with the new GF and their happy little fake life! He called this morning on his way to work because he NEEDED something. I just laughed at him and have ignored him the rest of the day. I've been thinking about my behavior all weekend and trying to do some soul searching to figure out how to stop this insanity and here is what I've come up with!

I am addicted to this man like a crack-head junkie! A small "hit" from him makes me a TOTALLY different person.

I mirrored his behaviors like week by acting like a complete psychopath. Out of control over the edge crazy person! Just like he does when he gets angry!

I SUCK at NC. Absolutely suck at NC. When he called this morning because he NEEDED something I answered! DUH! That made me sick the rest of the day.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease last week and I spend all day on the internet trying to learn how to heal from HIM! You would think that I would be doing all the research I could on my disease! Nope! All my energy is wasted on trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't let go of him!

In the little bit of research I've done on the disease I found out that STRESS causes the disease to flare up and makes things A LOT worse. You would think that the idea of having my intestines chopped out would make me stop the stupidity!

This man physically and verbally abused me for years and I still have a sick obsession with him??? What does that make me?

When I talk to him I can see right through him now. Every word that comes out of his mouth is either a lie, half truth or exaggeration. Nothing in his head is real! Again, I see this and I still hang on like a junkie!

I've been wondering is this some kind of warped need to win? Do I just want to keep on and on until I see him suffer? My brain knows better than that. He's not capable of suffering. I know this but when I see him my mind loses all knowledge of everything I've learned. When I'm around him I have brain damage!

I have really good strong days and I feel so great! Then I do things to make me start hurting all over again. Where is the sense in that?

I want revenge. I want to take his job and his new GF and everything else that is precious to him. I couldn't live with myself if I did that but I think about it A LOT! I'd also like to run over him with my car! I'm not going to do that either but I do think about it a lot! I spend a lot of energy on thoughts of how to get revenge. Not healthy! I can't stop the obsessing.

No matter how much I read and how much people tell me he WILL NOT CHANGE and the life he has with the GF right now will end as horrible as ours did I just can't make my head believe it. She's young, no self esteem and submissive. I feel sorry for her but he'll hang on to her because she is the perfect source of supply! Why does that matter to me? Seriously?

I take 10 steps forward and 40 steps backwards. He's an abusive PIG. This is NOT rocket science! He's TOXIC and killing me slowly and I still keep failing at this.

I feel like I belong in a psych ward. Therapy for the first time tomorrow at 8:30 thank the Lord!

I am scared of the Narc. The more open my eyes are the more I think he is possessed by some demonic satanic spirit. BUT I still keep breaking NC.

I think about him obsessively. I'm wasting precious time thinking about a satanic psycho!

I could go on and on and on. I read all of that and think about that and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD do I continue to let myself do this? Why am I so self destructive? I honestly don't think I want him back!! I know him and see him for who he is! So WHAT IS THE POINT????

Sorry for the rambling but I'm at my wits end! I can't wait to see a therapist in the morning. It's LONG over due!

Ya'll have been great and so supportive and I couldn't have come this far without all of you! Sorry I don't listen like I should! I do listen I just lose all sense of anything real when it comes to this idiot!

Thank you all so much for listening!

Sara

realitycheck's picture

With almost every story I read the thought crosses my mind that we may have been sucked in, used and abused by the same guy! It's the strangest coincidence..or is it. I'm so happy to have found this site because I'm feeling so weak today and it helps to know that I'm not alone. We all ask how did this happen and how can we make the pain and dazed feeling go away. I don't know yet, tomorrow will be one month since we spoke. The day after valentines. The day before I flew 3,000 miles to see him! The day he flew off the handle because I WAS UPSET he hadn't called me or acknowledged my existence on Valentines Day when I was due to fly out to see him. When I very calmly questioned if he remembered what day Monday was he flew off the handle with a string of rants, swearing, and accusations that I had to laugh (quietly) because I could have scripted what he was going to say. His first words were, was I going to ruin "us" because of this. ME, is he crazy, yes he is. I'm the one who sent a card and a gift, left him a sweet message and text first thing in the morning. But I'm the one who was ruining us. I would have done anything to still see him if my sister hadn't stepped in and sent him a message telling him that enough was enough! I still begged, via text and messages, for him to see me while I was in his town. (I had to go regardless for business - was combining the two). But thank goodness he would give in. In fact, three days after I "ruined us" he sent me a text telling me he was over "it" and to stay away. Wow, he really loved me - lol. The sad part is I'm still thinking about him all day. Wondering what I can do for him, when and if I'll ever see him again - so sick! The story is actually much worse and much more painful, but I needed to ramble my thoughts so I don't cry. Thanks to everyone for reading and sharing, it helps.
Hunter's picture

Welcome to my world! Were you in my head tonight. Ladies mine is poking and it's pissing me off. WHy do we have to sit here and continue to take the blows? I can honestly say ,and you said it Sara, I know what he is doing ,every step, I feel nothing but hate for him, This man is so sick, he has caused so much damage in my life, so much… Oh and we get to take the punches and pull out the ice pack. It's no wonder we are all so fucked up. Awesome. Sorry, Idealk
Happy1's picture

Your nc is punching him back. Trust me! It's killing his huge ego! He's testing you to see if he can get to you and break the nc. He's a dick!
Happy1's picture

Your nc is punching him back. Trust me! It's killing his huge ego! He's testing you to see if he can get to you and break the nc. He's a dick!
Hunter's picture

They are all Dicks!
sara-smile's picture

Narcinators!
neverlookback's picture

I want to take his job and his new GF and everything else that is precious to him Oh Sara, there is NOTHING precious to a psychopath as far as human beings go, NOTHING. We are all like chess pieces they move around in their game called LIFE. Life is a game to them now you decide do you want to be the pawn on the chess board? In fact ask yourself this, are you a pawn, patsy or patron? I know what I was I was a patsy thats for sure. Let me also point something else out just HOW HAPPY is he with this new GF as he is still recycling you and probably many others? COME ON HONEY I just want to bring you back to reality here. He has a new toy, a new piece on his chess board that is ALL it is. Ya it is a fake relationship with this woman, all their relationships are FAKE and NOT REAL, oh ya they are amused for awhile with the new toy but they will break it Sara, they will abuse it, and break it and you know the rest of the story. You are just going in all directions, and I have been there, for three fricking years I was there and it was living HELL. Your counselor will get you focused in a new direction and REALLY listen to him, it does not good as MY counselor said to see him if I didnt LISTEN to him and follow his advise for the well being of my mental health. You should not have to suffer with this love triangulation he has you in, the new gf, YOU AND HIM. NC is hard BUT sara it is not as hard as the HELL I lived in when I was in contact with him, and you will find that out. I am also having a bad day in my two months of NC, Cog diss BIG time today, and I get huge feelings of pain that come over me at times that I cant control, but I will never contact that sick SOB EVER because that will not end my pain. I can tell you what will end my pain, HEALING and leaving the psychopath behind me for the rest of my life, and that I am looking foward to. Hope your counseling will get you on track and help you feel stronger, you are sooo close girl, its all up to you now to end the suffering this man has done to you.
Susan32's picture

The ex-Psych prof wanted to isolate me&leave me with NOTHING. He wanted to rob me of my faith (I didn't leave the Church to please him), my family (still close to them), and my friends. He'd fantasize about me killing myself, dropping dead, or dying alone, screaming at the walls. He'd say things "I love the thought of you weeping, abandoned and alone" and "I love watching you cry." The ex-P didn't even bother to pretend to be happy with his live-in girlfriend. Some Ns/Ps put on the "happy act" to show how *HAPPY* they are with their new supply, being exhibitionists... not so with the ex-P. He didn't even treat her affectionately. He physically abandoned her... right in front of me. It's like pretending to be happy with his girlfriend would've taken too much work. When I heard about the ex-P impregnating his girlfriend (he impregnated her around the time I left, found out about a year later), and him getting tenure... I thought in my own passive-aggressive way it was the *BEST PUNISHMENT EVER.* He hated teaching. He couldn't stand his "stupid, disrespectful students." Keeping his job... kept him busy. He hated children. That was the motif of all 4 years. He'd rage jealously about me volunteering at a local school. He'd call the kids dumb, call them snot-nosed urchins. Now he has two of his own. The frosting on the cake was that his father put him on a philosophical forum about causality, consequences, cause/effect. I used to *ALWAYS* tell the ex-P that he couldn't perpetually run away from the consequences of his actions. His father showed him! It's something I would've dreamt up (sending him to a philosophy forum about consequences)-but his father DID it. All I can say is WOW.
Happy1's picture

I'm so sorry! I've been reading about trauma bonding myself because of the constant breaking up and dangling that carrot for me to go back. It was always a relief, like what maybe a drug addict would feel when he would contact me and it would be alright again. We would never talk about what happened or he would never want to discuss how we can work on "us". Nope! It was sweep under the rug and we were back together. So, I know very well what you are feeling when he contacts like this. Mine was with another woman for 3 months a few years ago and we still talked every day. I was begging for his return. It's so crazy now and I would never lower myself to that ever again. It's very hard to remain NC and I get that. Boy do I get it! I have very weak days when I would LOVE to have that high and have him contact me or me call and hear his voice would be my fix. It's an addiction that we have to fight. It's hard to be NC and there's no easy way around it, but it's necessary to survive. We have to do it for own health and sanity. I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now and I'm glad you are seeing your therapist tomorrow. It really helps and stay close the board as well and post as much as possible. That helps also. Big hugs, Happy
Steph's picture

Did you used to be "Sad1" ?....if I remember correctly? I'm asking because I remember your posts ( i think they were yours) from several months ago and wow....you have come a Looooong way!! Yay and good for you!
Happy1's picture

Yep, I was sad1. Thank you for saying that. It's still hard but it's recovery mode now. No more drama! Welcome back! (hugs) Happy
Steph's picture

Recovery mode is a huge step forward:) hugs back at ya!
michele115's picture

I'm sorry I don't have more to add but the other two ladies have rather succinctly summed it up and accurately as well. I would also follow through on Sickofit's advice. Essentially, I'm just tossing my hat into this simply to add to the number to verify further that yes, what you are feeling is very much part of the process... Even the running him over part. Hugs and I hope that tomorrow's session goes well and that your therapist knows about the effects of this kind of abuse. I don't know how long you've been with the narc but first question I would ask the therapist is how well do they understand personality disorders specifically narcissism and personality disorders and how skilled are they at treating victims of domestic violence and abuse - especially trauma AND what approaches do they feel are helpful...what approaches have they taken to help their clients... I'd also ask if he/she had any recommended reading...that will give you a clue as to whether they really do follow up on the latest trends/etc or if they're going by their textbook from 1997. Hugs!
Steph's picture

Oh wow I truly feel for you. We have all been in this low, self destructive, and INSANE place that you are describing. The stress they cause does cause illness, no doubt. I am so happy you have therapy tomorrow and I hope it's a good therapist. That is the first step. I don't know what to tell you other than it will get better. There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. This is the typical aftermath of dealing with them. We all experienced it. You will get through this. Good luck tomorrow:) Sending you strong thoughts:)
gettinbetter's picture

Look into codependence and control issues. Not saying you have them but the need to win warrants investigating. Also It is very common if you have been with a borderline that you will begin to exhibit their pathology. I did in a major way. I turned into a complete psycho. I had a hard time telling what were my feelings and what may have been his that were projected on to me. If you havent already, go to shari schreibers articles on borderline personality disorder. Also google repetition compulsion. I have been severely addicted to my Barc. I have had so much rage and an overwhelming desire for revenge and having the last word. Go look up the items I mentioned. I think you will find answers there sweets
sara-smile's picture

I been looking into some of this you suggested and this stuff is even harder to swallow. This is the kind of stuff I've been avoiding. Something in my warped brain keeps telling me there is a problem in my thinking. I'm going to keep reading (even though it's hard to swallow) and see if I can figure this crap out! Thank you!! Sara
gettinbetter's picture

Yep Sara It is very hard. The first few months I was on here I refused to accept any part in this. I just flat out refused. I thought to myself I have been brutalized by this man and emotionally raped and now you people want to suggest I had a hand in it. Oh no no I wanted none of that but as months passed and I would see people moving on from here and having revelations about how they got here and yet I still had none That is is when I began to be open to looking into whether I had issues. In the beginning I think it just too much. You are too wounded to start hearing that you had a hand in it. It comes with time
Redhead1's picture

This may not come out right, I hope it does. His constant jerking around with your emotions becomes such a habit in your head that you continue to do it. I guess what I am trying to say is, its a habit. One he has used mindgames to train you with. And you were so unaware of his game that it happen before you knew it. Stay NC. I messed up a few times-like peeking at facebook. It messed with me as much as talking to him. Because he was using facebook to communicated to me and get sympathy from everyone else. Listen to Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Stuff like that helps me to retrain my brain. LOL She sings it with such passion I think she has known a narc.
sara-smile's picture

How strange!!! Yesterday I had to take a short trip and I was digging through old CD's that I made years ago and came across one with Christina Aguilera/Fighter on it!!! I think I've listened to it 200 times in 24 hours. That song makes me feel so good!! I wish I could sing it like she does because I think I'd stand out in his yard and belt it out over and over! Heeeeeeeee! I do feel like all of this is a habit. I work with the creep and when I leave work I get so depressed but once I get home back to normal life I always feel better! It's like being at work triggers it for me because I know he's there. I'm back at day 1 NC and I pray so hard that I don't have to ever type that again! Thanks Redhead! Sara
Happy1's picture

It is hard to swallow reading it isn't it? It's a bitter pill but it's reality in what has happened. It's your fight now and it's your choice to do what you can to help yourself with what you're learning. Happy