I pretty much sucked at trying to heal myself and get away from Narc boy last week. I tortured myself as much as I possibly could. He pulled the disappearing act on my Friday afternoon until this morning because I'm sure his weekend was filled with the new GF and their happy little fake life! He called this morning on his way to work because he NEEDED something. I just laughed at him and have ignored him the rest of the day. I've been thinking about my behavior all weekend and trying to do some soul searching to figure out how to stop this insanity and here is what I've come up with!
I am addicted to this man like a crack-head junkie! A small "hit" from him makes me a TOTALLY different person.
I mirrored his behaviors like week by acting like a complete psychopath. Out of control over the edge crazy person! Just like he does when he gets angry!
I SUCK at NC. Absolutely suck at NC. When he called this morning because he NEEDED something I answered! DUH! That made me sick the rest of the day.
I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease last week and I spend all day on the internet trying to learn how to heal from HIM! You would think that I would be doing all the research I could on my disease! Nope! All my energy is wasted on trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't let go of him!
In the little bit of research I've done on the disease I found out that STRESS causes the disease to flare up and makes things A LOT worse. You would think that the idea of having my intestines chopped out would make me stop the stupidity!
This man physically and verbally abused me for years and I still have a sick obsession with him??? What does that make me?
When I talk to him I can see right through him now. Every word that comes out of his mouth is either a lie, half truth or exaggeration. Nothing in his head is real! Again, I see this and I still hang on like a junkie!
I've been wondering is this some kind of warped need to win? Do I just want to keep on and on until I see him suffer? My brain knows better than that. He's not capable of suffering. I know this but when I see him my mind loses all knowledge of everything I've learned. When I'm around him I have brain damage!
I have really good strong days and I feel so great! Then I do things to make me start hurting all over again. Where is the sense in that?
I want revenge. I want to take his job and his new GF and everything else that is precious to him. I couldn't live with myself if I did that but I think about it A LOT! I'd also like to run over him with my car! I'm not going to do that either but I do think about it a lot! I spend a lot of energy on thoughts of how to get revenge. Not healthy! I can't stop the obsessing.
No matter how much I read and how much people tell me he WILL NOT CHANGE and the life he has with the GF right now will end as horrible as ours did I just can't make my head believe it. She's young, no self esteem and submissive. I feel sorry for her but he'll hang on to her because she is the perfect source of supply! Why does that matter to me? Seriously?
I take 10 steps forward and 40 steps backwards. He's an abusive PIG. This is NOT rocket science! He's TOXIC and killing me slowly and I still keep failing at this.
I feel like I belong in a psych ward. Therapy for the first time tomorrow at 8:30 thank the Lord!
I am scared of the Narc. The more open my eyes are the more I think he is possessed by some demonic satanic spirit. BUT I still keep breaking NC.
I think about him obsessively. I'm wasting precious time thinking about a satanic psycho!
I could go on and on and on. I read all of that and think about that and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD do I continue to let myself do this? Why am I so self destructive? I honestly don't think I want him back!! I know him and see him for who he is! So WHAT IS THE POINT????
Sorry for the rambling but I'm at my wits end! I can't wait to see a therapist in the morning. It's LONG over due!
Ya'll have been great and so supportive and I couldn't have come this far without all of you! Sorry I don't listen like I should! I do listen I just lose all sense of anything real when it comes to this idiot!
Thank you all so much for listening!