Londonteacher's Story

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#1 Nov 29 - 9PM
Londonteacher's picture

Londonteacher's Story

Was he a NAR? I am gutted but I do not know if I qualify to be here. I have no faith in myself any more.

Thank you so much for reading my story. I apologize for its length, but I am very grateful to you for taking the time to read this. Before I get to the details, I need to give you some background information. I was shy and overweight all of my life. I never dated in high school or college. When I was in my early 30s, I fell in love with a wonderful man. But he was murdered by his jealous ex-girlfriend when she discovered that he was on the phone with me. As you can imagine, I was devestated. I gained more weight and withdrew from society. I also poured my whole essence into my job--I am a teacher.

After grieving for several years, I tried to make a new life for myself by switching schools. This is where I met S--a fellow teacher/coach at my new school. I was immediately attracted to him when I first saw him. But I had heard that he was married and I knew he was out of my league. I did speak to him several times for the first two years I was there--but it was strictly professional.

As I got used to my new school, I knew many women were attracted to him. I also heard that he once was a womanizer and that he had trouble following through on things he said he would do. (I wish I had paid more attention to these early warning signs.)

During my next several months, I heard that S had gotten a divorce and that he was having a really rough time. This is when our relationship began to change. We would talk more when I saw him in the parking lot at school. He would also send me these emails to check up on his athletes. But in these emails he would always say the nicest things about me like, "The kids just love you. There are not many people in the world like you. You are very special." I knew I was starting to fall for him. And it was so nice to feel special and not be consumed by grief any more. In fact, I was so happy that I actually lost over 55 pounds. I was thin for the first time in my life.

As I lost weight, he began to flirt more and more. But he would also tell me in person or in emails about how much he admired me and respected me. He also began to open up to me when he had problems at school with his kids. He told me I always knew the right thing to say and I always made him feel better. He would sit by me at all of the faculty meetings. And my friends began to notice and comment on how S liked me. I was so happy. To me, we had such an emotional connection--it was time to take it a step further and begin a real relationship.

On the last day of school in 2009, he sends me an email that says, "I love you so much." I could not believe it! He was the first man who ever said that to me and I was elated. But I worried over how I should respond. After much debate and soul searching, I decided to conquer my fears and take a chance for once in my life. I sent him an email in response and I told him I loved him too. I told him how flattered I was, for I knew he could have any woman. I also gave him my phone number and told him I would be home during the summer.

To my horror, he never responded. I had no idea why and I honestly thought he did not get my email. So I sent it to him again--no response. I felt I had made a collosal error. I thought I had come on too strong and he got the idea that I was clingy. I also thought he was "scarred" from his divorce and not really ready for a realtionship. I also feared that I was just too ugly for him.

I spent the summer in such a depressed state. So before school began, I wrote him an email and I apologized for coming on too strong. I also said that I would make no scenes at school. I would always be professional. I also asked him if we could please talk in person when he got back to school. Again, I got no response.

I feared the start of school (September 2009) and how he would react to me. At first, he ignored me; however, at other times he would talk to me as if nothing had happened. I got up the nerve to ask him if we could talk in person. He always said we would, but he never followed through. In January 2010, he began to warm up to me again. He was sending me flirty emails and hug me all of the time. He would also give me the nicest compliments on how pretty I was every time he would see me. We would have these nice conversations after school where we would share problems. He even said we would be getting together. At one point we made a date to see each other on Friday at 7pm. But when I asked him where we would meet, he never answered. Right then I should have known that something was wrong. But I had such faith in this man and I so wanted to be with him. I told myself to just be patient--men hate to be rushed. I sincerely thought that if I would just be myself and act cool, S would let down his guard and bring me fully into his life.

I spent the summer of 2010 spending money on all kinds of beauty treatments--all in the hopes of looking good for him. When school started in September, he was once again standoffish at first with me. But then we got closer again. He would always give me the nicest compliments. And he started to send me flirty, dirty emails. In fact, almost every time I saw him, we talked about sex--the size of his "massive penis", how he masturbated all of the time, how we could have quickies in his car, etc... I am humiliated to say this now. At the time however, I played right along with this. I thought these intimate talks were evidence that he liked me. To further complicate matters, he was coming by my classroom alot to talk to one of his athletes. But of course S and I ended up talking. My students even noticed how he came by often and would have a big smile on his face when he saw me. And lastly, he would still come to me when he had problems. We had these long talks about school issues and his weight, as he had gained alot of weight and I had still kept my weight off. I felt so close to him. I truly thought he was getting close to me. And I did not think there was anyone in his life. He did not wear a wedding ring and once when I asked him what he was going to do over the upcoming summer, he told me he was going to spend time just working out, being by himself and enjoying his dog.

But then there would be other times when I got negative messages. He no longer sat by me at meetings. And sometimes when I would see him, he would go the other way. I knew something was not right and I thought I was to blame. This roller coaster was taking a huge emotional toll on me. I did not know where I stood with S. And every time I asked to talk to him about it, he would agree to talk but would never follow through. (On an unusual side note, I once had a problem with one of his athletes in my class. I sent S an email about the kid. S responds by calling me a "chicken shit" for sending him an email and not talking to him in person. Ironic to say the least--I had been trying to talk to him in person for months.)

I loved the school where I was teaching, but the workload was overwhelming. I had over 200 students and 3 different subjects to teach. My friend told me of a job opening at a better school. I knew this was a great chance, but I hated to leave S. I still clung to the hope of him. But I was beginning to feel that the situation was futile. I wrote S a beautiful tribute letter in which I told him that I was thinking of leaving. But I also told him how much I admired him and would always be grateful to him. He responds by telling me that he was tired of my letters and he was not going to read what I had written him. He also stated that he was confused and frustrated with me. He suggested that we talk in person. But when I tried to get him to commit to this, he told me he was too busy to give me even 5 minutes and that I should call him. When I asked for his new phone number, he never responded.

I decided to leave my school. It was wrenching. I was still thinking of S as I had no closure with him. I hated to do this, but I called up a mutual friend of mine and his. I asked this friend if he could tell me what was going on with S. My poor friend had to tell me that S was married the whole time. He and his wife go through these numerous separations but then they always get back together. In fact they were reconciling at the time S told me he loved me. This mutual friend did tell me that he thought S had a "mental illness" but he still loved the guy. (S is indeed the most respected coach at school. He has an outstanding record and he is known as having the utmost integrity and high standards. Now I know this is just a facade.)

I was so humiliated to hear this. I felt so dirty and used. I wrote an email to S and I told him I discovered he was married. He responded by saying that his marriage had endured many problems but they were still together. Then he told me that he could not understand how I could have ever thought he liked me. He told me that I was always just a colleague and that he talked to me no differently than he did any other person at work.

I could not believe what he was saying. So I wrote back to him and reminded him of what he had said to me. He would soften and say that we did have a special friendship and that he respected me. Then he added that we should talk about this in person. And we made several plans to talk, but he never followed through. I kept asking him why he could not have told me 2 years ago that he was married. S kept saying that he is totally private and that no one knows of his personal life.

An alarm went off when he said this to me. I knew he was hiding something. So, I did alot of research on the Internet. To my utter dismay, I found wedding photos of him and his second wife! He had remarried in the summer of 2010 but he was pretending to still be married to his first wife. No one at school knew of his remarriage!

I was in shock, but I must admit that I was consumed with jealousy as well. And I hate to be rude, I could not see the attraction. She is younger, but this girl was short, heavy, and rather plain.

Because I have seen the fatal consequences of jealousy, I tried to handle this in an adult way. I called up S and left a long message on his phone. I told him that I was jealous but I was happy for him. I commented that it was nice to see him smiling in his wedding photos--I told him that he used to give me that same smile. Furthermore, I said that I would always care for him and I would remember the nice things he did for me. I also told S that perhaps he should not give strong compliments or talk dirty to other women, for we interpret that to mean that a man likes us. I said that I did not want anything to happen to his new marriage.

I actually felt better after I left this message. I thought I had some kind of closure and I had ended things on a positive note. Thus, I was not prepared for what followed--a vile NAR rage.

S sends me the most poisonous email. Among other things he says he has no idea how I ever got the idea in my "fucked up head" that he liked me. He told me I was a "fucking psycho" and that he was not a "bad husband." (I never said he was.) Then S asked why I never talked to him to clarify our situation. (That was so hard for me to comprehend. I had asked him to talk to me dozens of times.) Lastly, S basically threatens me and tells me to never contact him again.

I was so mad and hurt. I wrote back to him and attacked him, but I know he did not read it. I could not sleep or eat for days. But the worst part was that I could not understand anything. How could he deny what he had said to me? Why did he contradict himself? Why did he take no responsiblity for his actions? Why did he blame me for everything? Why did he have absolutely no empathy or concern or understanding? Why did he hide his personal life from everyone? How could he get back with his first wife, divorce her, and then remarry within a year? Why did he lie? I was an emotional wreck.

This is when I began to do research on narcissism. And the more I learned, the more I was convinced that he is a true NAR. I went to a therapist to try to help me with this. She basically dismissed my conclusion that he is a NAR--she said that many men have no empathy. My therapist told me that all of this was basically a "miscommunication" and she wanted me to focus on my role in this. I readily admit, that I played a part. With my lack of self esteem and co dependency pattern, I had allowed him to treat me like a dog. But I still needed to try to understand him before I could start to put my life together again.

That is when I found this web site. Without a doubt, you have been a gift from God. But I need to say that I know my situation is different. I was not in a full fledged physical relationship with this man. And I was not physically abused. So perhaps I should not post my story, for I was fortunate in many ways. But at the same time, this has been gut wrenching for me. The first thing I need to know is--do you think this man is a NAR? If I can hear this from others, I think I would feel so much better and I can begin to heal. If you do not think he is a NAR, then please tell me so I can pursue other avenues. I do not have a great deal of faith in myself or in my judgment right now.

Just like you, I feel so stupid, old, used, weak, and gullible. And to make matters worse, I am jealous of his new wife. I think of them together and it rips my heart. I hate the fact that he is still so respected at school and that no one knows what he is really like. And worst of all, it is still so difficult to accept that I meant absolutely nothing to this man--a man I have loved for years.

With that said, I know rationally what I should do, but I am still emotionally tied to my idea of him. I cannot/will not let go. The past couple of months have been pure hell. My friends have been supportive but I fear they are getting sick of hearing all of this. I can't say that I blame them. But I do intend to follow the steps as prescribed by Lisa. I will be grateful for any advice you can give me. And I do so appreciate your letting me tell my story. It does help a great deal. Thank you again.

Nov 30 - 9PM
Sparrow's picture

My goodness

My goodness have been through hell and back with this guy. The anguish he put you through for years, just attempting a relationship. Can you imagine what the wife is going through? Thank God you didn't marry him! To answer your question, as everyone else did, YES, WITHOUT a doubt, a Narc. Stay as far away from him as possible. He will devour you the next time you start up a line of communication. And please keep in mind, and be prepared, he will more than likely reach out to you again in a few months. Please change your phone number, your email address, Facebook privacy settings, anything you can think of that is the tiniest of ways to reach you, because he will. I would bet the farm on this one as I am sure many here would agree. This is a pattern over many years, over contact and withdrawal. He will expect you to welcome him back as you always have. So for now, work you hiney off getting yourself de-programmed. Stay close to this forum, read as much as you can about the disorder, ask as many questions, as often as you want. We don't judge here, we have all walked a mile in your shoes, and than some, so we know how to support you. You have friends here London, we help each other, always. 24/7, there is always someone here. One last bit of advice. Find another therapist! STAT!!!!! We are an awesome support group, no doubt about that, but, you need the council of a professional as well. It is very important for you to follow through with therapy, we are not enough. The last therapist didn't work out, so keep searching, until you find a good fit. Between a therapist that you are comfortable with, the forum, and your devotion to your healing journey, you will do just fine. This is hard, I won't lie to you, the withdrawal, the rebuilding, the confusion, the heartache, the good days, the bad days, the absolute darkest of days..........all part of the process, but all worth it in the end. You are among friends here London. Good luck, stay strong, and be true to yourself. Smiles
Dec 4 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
Londonteacher's picture

Sparrow, First, thank you

Sparrow, First, thank you for your response. I noticed that you reply to many of the posts. You are truly an inspiration and a tremendous help to so many. I am so ashamed to admit to this, but since being honest is a key to healing, I must confess. When you said that he might contact me, my immediate response was great--I would love to see him. I miss him so much. Of course, that was my heart talking. And as I heard myself saying this, my rational thinking took over and reminded me of why contact would be so detrimental. I hated that I temporarily forgot all of the heartache, but this incident reminded me that recovery is an ongoing battle. And as you said, in addition to this wonderful support group, I need to find a therapist who can help to guide me in this process. So thank you again for your wisdom and candid advice.
Dec 4 - 7PM (Reply to #21)
Sparrow's picture

London, you are very

London, you are very welcome! Of course you were excited at the prospect of possibly hearing from him, and your honesty should be commended. Everyone, in the beginning has those feelings, of course they do, if they don't they are lying to themselves. It is natural and normal to have that feeling. The reason we found the forum to begin with is because we were looking for an answer, googled everything we could, exhausted every bit of information out there looking for an answer. The funny thing is, we look for it, AT FIRST, to understand them in hopes we can help them. Than, e discover that it is us that needs help, because they can't be helped. Thus, we start our journey, we join the forum, and is a long journey to healing but it can be done. Always be honest with yourself and with the members here. Never feel shame for what you think or feel. And always rest assure, that your thoughts and feelings have been and will continue to be the same as most here. We have all been where you are, we are all just at different stages of our journey. You will find with each day, that you can and will heal. The fact that you are open and honest, is an excellent starting point. Reach out as often as you need to. We are all in this together! I am glad you decided to seek a therapist's help as well. It is extremely important in my opinion. You made the right decision! And not get discouraged if the first therapist doesn't work out. They are like jeans, sometimes you have to try a few different ones on before you find the bet fit. The most comfortable fit. Good luck my friend, you will do great!
Nov 30 - 1PM
spinning's picture

LT, dearheart, my heart goes out

to you. This guy is a PREDATOR. That puts him in the psychopath category in my book. YOU WERE PREYED UPON BY A MASTER. IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM. Now you must fix what he saw that made him choose you as already nailed it with the self-esteem issues. Continue working with your therapist, read and learn...knowledge is power. We will help you. It does not matter that you didn't have a physical relationship; in this case I am so very grateful that you DID NOT. There is nothing good -- or human-- about this person. Once you re-read your own post and really OWN THAT FACT, which cannot be changed by your emotions--you will be able to cut the ties and begin detatching. Remember to always separate the FACTS from your EMOTIONS and it will help you see more clearly. In this case the FACTS are he is a liar and a cheater and a gaslighter and a lifelong manipulator. I actually feel sorry for his "wife." You have a lot of power LT. You know the truth and you did nothing wrong. Remember that! You were conned by a master. It's a tough thing to wrap your brain around. But the sooner you understand and OWN this hard, cold and unpleasant truth, the sooner you will LOSE THIS LOSER FROM YOUR MIND AND HEART FOREVER. Hugs to you and I am so glad you found this forum, though I am so sorry you had to land here. Keep sharing. Work the steps. It's tough work and a commitment, but the outcome is amazing. Most sincerely (not) spinning. THE SICK FREAK TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!


Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Londonteacher's picture

Spinning, Thank you for

Spinning, Thank you for your support and insight. I must admit for the longest time I refused to use words such as "predator" to describe him. I would call him an "as..hole" or a "player" but I would refrain from using more harsh terms because I did not want to face the reality of my situation. But as I read these posts, I see that he is a "predator." All of his actions prove this. Thank you for helping me to see the truth. You are so right. Knowledge, reliance on fact not emotion, and a healthy self esteem are essential for recovery. It is a pleasure to talk to such a strong and wise woman as you.
Nov 30 - 5AM
Alissa's picture

Hi Londonteacher, I'm totally

Hi Londonteacher, I'm totally shocked after reading your post. He is a true narc, no doubt in my mind about that!!! How are you feeling now? Do you still have to see him from time to time? I'm so glad you found this board and I'd say 'dump the therapist too'!!! Hugs, Alissa
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
Londonteacher's picture

Alissa, I do feel better

Alissa, I do feel better after reading these posts, thank you. I do so appreciate your support. Luckily, I do not have to see him. I thank God and my great friend CM for giving me the chance to move to a different school and start a new life. As for my therapist, I no longer go to her. The support I have gotten from you, my incredible friends AH and SD, and the others who are part of this board have done much more for me than she ever did. Thank you again. LT
Nov 30 - 12AM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Yes, Yes, Yes

He is most definitely one of the worst of the worst. It's utterly confounding to me how they hide it so well. On the outside they look normal, people like them, they achieve success. But, they are very, very different inside. Sinister, evil, twisted, distorted. He played you and played you and played you. I am sorry. You deserve better. We all do. I know it's painful, it hurts and hurts and hurts on so many different levels. You stagger around and find out about narcissism/psychopathy and feel like you've been robbed of your faith, your innocence about the world, even as an adult. Get back into your reality. Who you were before you met him. You've been exposed to a toxic person over a significant period of time. It will take some time to really comprehend all of it, but you can do it. We are here, every one of us on the same path... You need to believe in yourself again. Perhaps you could start by reminding yourself that honesty, compassion, empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness are values that you uphold and believe in. These guys make us lose ourselves, trying to figure them out. We get addicted to it. The disordered person that you encountered isn't worth another moment of your precious life. Please keep reading - and take the words on this forum very literally. Best to you -
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
Londonteacher's picture

Pride and Shame, You are

Pride and Shame, You are so right. One of the most difficult parts of this ordeal is the fact that NARS can function so well in public. As I said, my NAR is a highly respected man who has won all kinds of awards and accolades. When I look at his achievements and I hear of others speak so highly of him, it makes me doubt myself and my recall of the facts. But then when I hear others like you describe the same sentiment, I know I am not wrong--NARS are simply the consummate actors. I also totally understand what you mean by addiction. We get addicted to trying to change the relationship we have with the NAR. I now know how futile that is, but I do so appreciate your acknowledgment of it. It helps me to know that I am not alone and did the same thing that so many other kind, compassionate, and honest women tried to do. Thank you for this support. It is priceless to me.
Nov 29 - 11PM
Journey's picture

Welcome Londonteacher, you

Welcome Londonteacher, you can stop doubting now... he was a liar from the get go and so manipulative all throughout your 'friendship'. It is seriously time to let go of whatever 'idea' you had of him - it is NOT who he really is. Keep reading and learning about the disordered and do the steps, they will help and I'd advise you to stay far, far away from him - starting now! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he is no friend of yours - NC!

Journey on...

Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Londonteacher's picture

Journey, I appreciate your

Journey, I appreciate your blunt words. You are simply speaking the truth. And yes, my "idea" of him was so wrong. I need to focus on the actions of this man, for they reveal his true character. My idea of him was based on the facade that he created and on my hope and wishful thinking that I clung to for so long. You are right. I must let all of that go. Thank you for your support. LT
Nov 29 - 10PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Does a bear sh!t in the woods? This man is trouble. I suggest that you do everything in your power to get him and keep him out of your life before he hurts you anymore. NOTHING good will ever come from this man & he certainly seems to be a Master of Mindf@#$%k. Please educate yourself as much as possible, but pay close attention to taking care of YOU. NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN!!!! Better days are ahead, xxx Ruby
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Londonteacher's picture

Ruby, I like your sense of

Ruby, I like your sense of humor---it is spot on! Yes, this man is a master of the mindf..k who should be avoided at all costs. I do believe that better days are ahead--I already feel better after reading these posts. Thanks so much again. LT
Nov 29 - 10PM
Gravity's picture

Londonteacher Also.. I too worked with a fellow coworker of mine who was also a teacher. He would play similar mind games with me in the beginning. He would give me extra special attention, and the kids picked up on it. He too told me he loved me and when I responded by telling him I loved him too he told me that he was "just kidding" and he "didn't know me enough to love me." He spun it around on me to make it seem like I was too clingy when HE WAS THE ONE THAT SAID IT TO ME FIRST! We ended up having a physical relationship that spanned the course of a year, and after a year I found out that he had been involved with his ex-girlfriend and maaany other women. This man is absolutely a narc. Do not question yourself! You KNOW he was leading you on and keeping you on a string. You are NOWHERE near a "fucking psycho!" You were simply responding to his advances! Not only that, it sounds like you went through something extremely traumatic before meeting this man. You were in a very vulnerable place and this man made you feel special and then ripped the rug right out from underneath you. Weather or not you were involved physically does not matter.. there are other members on here who were not involved physically with their N's. Welcome, I'm glad you found us! It's time to heal from this wackjob! *hugs*
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Londonteacher's picture

Gravity, I also wanted to

Gravity, I also wanted to thank you for sending me that link. For me, I did think it was relevant to determine if he was indeed a NAR. I need that validation. Why? I want to make sure that I was not simply creating dissonance in my thinking. I wanted to make sure that I was not just making him out to be an immoral and disordered man so that I would feel better and I could make this more palatable for me. (My therapist kind of hinted that this is what I was doing--making this man out to be a NAR because I did not want to accept the fact that I had been rejected.) So again, I welcomed this validation. It has made me feel better. However, I recognize that other women do not need such verification. But I do appreciate your sending me that link and for all of your other help!
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Londonteacher's picture

I am so sorry to hear that

I am so sorry to hear that you went through a similar situation. It is mind boggling how these NARS can totally twist the truth and contradict themselves--even in the face of solid evidence to the contrary. I also appreciate your understanding and reminding me that I was simply responding to his advances. And it is true that he pulled the rug right out from under me. I never used that phrase before but it is so appropriate. Thank you again. I so appreciate your warm welcome and words of support. I look forward to working together as we heal from this dreadful experience.
Nov 29 - 10PM
Hunter's picture

What should you do? You tell

What should you do? You tell me.. What do you want to do? Welcome Hunter
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Londonteacher's picture

Thank you Hunter for your

Thank you Hunter for your kind welcome. What do I want to do? First, I want to forgive myself and ingrain it into my heart that, while I allowed this man to treat me so shabbily, I did nothing else wrong. I was being used and manipulated. Secondly, I want to stop lying to myself and hoping that he will change. That will never happen. And with that said, as I confront the jealousy that still eats at me, I must remember that while he is enjoying a honeymoon phase with another woman, he will soon revert back to his NAR ways. Lastly, I must cast aside the sadness I feel. I truly hate to see the true character of this man. He has many gifts, but he uses them in the most evil way. It is sad to see such waste in a human being. Thank you again. LT
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter's picture


ANd that My Friend is the first step in the right Direction. Hunter
Nov 29 - 9PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

London Teacher- Please please stay close to us here!

I don't have much time right now to fully respond to you...but I read your whole entry. Sweetie- this man is a full fledged Narc and maybe even a Sociopath. He is the sickest of the sick. Please do not believe a word he says. He is pure evil and I do not say this easily. He is going to try to take you down by confusing and manipulating you. Oh my God! Please stay close here and start to distance yourself from him....slowly but surely... He is very very sinister and he does not care how much you suffer. We will all help you here,I promise, you have a safe haven here. It has been a long time since I read a post and my whole body shudders- he is very sick and cares nothing for your heart....STAY AWAY. Love and Blessings!
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Londonteacher's picture

thank you

Thank you so much for your support and understanding. I cried when I read this. It is so reassuring to know that I was not just imagining all of this. And reading your description of him just distills everything down to the truth--he is a monster and I must have absolutely no contact with him. Thank you again. LT