Lizzyg's Story

Feel like dying...

Hi, I am new to this site and feeling so chewed up and spat out at the moment so figure it is time to ask for help. I need to know if my X is a N??? About a year and a half ago I was just getting over the breakup of a 24 year abusive relationship and feeling pretty good. Unexpectedly I had a text message from my first ever boyfriend after 34 years. He had managed to track me down thru friends. He was also my first sexual partner as I was his, but I didn't know that until we started talking. We connected immediately. He was charming and wanted to talk for hours, sometimes 7 or more hours!!!! He would bombard me with texts and emails and would get very impatient if I didn't jump to attention immediately. He lived 1000 km away but after a month was coming to town, so we arranged to have lunch. He was waiting for $$$ at the time so I leant him $1000 to tide him over. Lunch was great. He was tall dark and handsome, looked much younger than 52 and I couldn't believe my luck. He stayed the night and then left and retuned a few days later and stayed for another 5 days. The sex was amazing and I was in total awe. When he left he told me that I needed to lose my tummy and of course I agreed. The year went by with many visits...me to him and him to me. I had to keep lending him $$ and he said he would return it when he received an inheritance cheque he was waiting on. Over the year I spent hours counseling him over his marriage breakup from wife no.2 who was the love of his life. She had been the OW during his first marriage. There was also setting between us and he would send me videos of him which I had never done before. He would also suggest to me that I needed to change my hairstyle etc and would send me photos of styles he liked. I never really felt good enough for him as if I was batting above my average. At the end of nearly a year I found out I had breast cancer. He was as shocked as me but seemed supportive from afar. I had surgery and he came down for Xmas just after it and we had a great time. Before he left I started chemo and found out after that I required a mastectomy. About a month into chem he rang and said he was moving down to be with me. He didn't love me but we got on so well that we would grow to love each other....I already was in love!! So he moved down and into my place. He still had no $$ but they were coming. I was a mess from the chemo and couldn't cope with him working from home, tho not much work was happening. His children came to stay, I was bald and met them for the first time! It was all too much so I asked him to find his own place when his $$ came thru. Needless to say this was the beginning of the end!!! Long story short he moved out and contact became less, tho we were still sleeping together. When I had the mastectomy he took me to hospital and then there was no contact!!! I was devastated. After a month we talked and resumed seeing each other but it got less and less until finally he started to find his own friends ( he had none and I have many) His newest friend is of course a female and he is seeing her as a friend only...ha, yeah right! It hasn't got romantic yet but I'm sure it will. He recently saw me and again we had sex and then he was going away for a week to his mums. He emailed me and said he was still there, but a friend had seen him here. I went and confronted him and he explained he had returned because OW had tickets for an awards night and he wanted to go...what was the big deal? He had no qualms about lying, he didn't see it that way! He now won't see me, has sent nasty emails about stalking him and will never speak to me again. I know I need to walk away and move on but I feel so used and want closure. Throughout the year and a half I propped him up , praised him, adored him, but got little in return. During sex he would ask me if it was good and tell me to tell him. Some of the sex was also out there and I'd never been exposed to some of the things...rough sex etc. he also would put down my belongings and exaggerate how good his things were, tho he had no house or money to show for his 52 years where as I did. I lent him $4 500 and he returned a paultry $3 000. I had also paid for most things, adorned him with gifts, yet I never received a single present from him for my birthday when he lived here or Xmas when he visited. Why am I feeling so messed up? Why have I wasted my time stalking him to find out what I knew deep down? I feel like I don't want to go on and the breakup feels worse than the cancer. Do you think he is a N???? Any thoughts would be appreciated.....