will this get any easier
I was with my ex for 5 years, some of it long distance. he is from usa, i am from uk. we had been living together for 3 years and he decided to go home for a visit in march. I didn't think he was a N then. Everyone around me warned me he wasn't right, he was controlling, I had changed for him but I couldn't really see it as being that bad even though I knew I wasn't totally happy. Anyway, he gave me his password so i could call him online for free but had not deleted his messages. Over the last 6 months he had become more and more secretive than before so I read the messages. Whilst I had been out working all day he had been sitting at home chatting online with his friend back home about wanting to sleep with other women, how he planned to pick up when he went away for a week without me and he had been growing hash and smoking it which he knew i was against. I confronted him and somehow found the strength to say I didn't think I could be with him. He then begged and pleaded for 6 weeks to not throw our relationship away, it was worth saving etc so I gave in. As soon as I did he turned cold, unattached, wouldn't answer his phone, would switch it off for hours on end, became secretive of who he was with, what he was doing and whenever I asked to be more included he accused me of being needy and controlling. Every now and then he would talk about coming to back and looking at flights but then every other week, sometimes every week he would dump me and tell me to find a new boyfriend because he couldn't give me what I wanted. Anyway, I was meant to go visit him over summer and he said no, then he said ok but you'll have to stay with a friend who lives 2 hours away. I refused and booked a holiday abroad with a girlfriend. I didn't tell him until a couple of days before and when I did he wasn't happy. He said he was but there were comments with hidden meaning. Anyway, the whole time I was away he was attentive, loving etc. I got home to visit friends (I live abroad so when I say got home it was my hometown) and again he started being cold. even told me he was cheating on me but then took it back the next day and said he only said it to stop me calling him. Anyway, when I was home I was with my old friends, i was so angry with him i ignored him for a couple of days. When I called again he answered straight away and I said we needed to make a decision about where this was going. He said he wanted to really make it work so that was fine. A week later I am back abroad in the flat where we lived as a couple, and he tells me he loves me, he's looking at flights and he will always love me. Then the next day his phone is off all day. He switches it on every now and again to be abusive. Then the following day I get an email dumping me. he blames the distance, he has changed, he wants to live at home with his friends and family who he loves (he suddenly has a new group of friends, all his old ones seem to have gone off the radar)and i cant make him love me. and my clingyness pushed him away. So i did everything u shouldn't, begged, pleaded, relentlessly called. He said he needed time and space, maybe his feelings would change, he just needed to get his life back in order and then i could move over there but he also said he didnt love me anymore, he had love FOR me. anyway, I tried NC, lasted 3 days. when i spoke to him i was strong and talked about maybe having a trial seperation, he let me think there was hope and then said no chance and started being nasty again. all this time he is promising me there is no one else because I had been reading up on him being a narcissist and everywhere says that if they leave you its because there is some other source. I had always been suspicious of one girl on his facebook (we aren't friends on FB but he has it so i can see his activity and friends) and I was sure there was something going on. He denied it vehemently. said he pitied her cos she only has 1 arm, shes just an acquaintance etc. anyway, the other day he said he wanted to talk on skype next week to straighten things out (yay i thought, maybe theres hope) then over night i get an email saying he never wants to speak to me again because I had contacted this girl. I had asked her outright what was going on (psycho i know) but he kept telling me yeah, he was with someone, no im not, i dont like her, yeah im with her. she never replied but he told me that she had sent her soon to be ex husband a msg to warn him that i am crazy and will be contacting him. this got me suspicious. why would i contact him and why would they care? so i sent him a msg saying i wasnt planning on contacting him and the only reason she says i was going to is because i thought she was sleeping with my ex. anyway, i ended up apologising to this girl for suggesting anything was happening cos my ex convinced me nothing was but a couple of hours later i get an email from the OW's husband saying this is my number, call me, theres something u should know. turns out my ex has been with his ex since at least july. They are a couple. I confronted my ex about this, he denied, denied, denied. then admitted yeah, we are together but he didnt cheat he got with her after he dumped me (less than 3 weeks ago now) and then said actually we were never together this summer, our relationship ended months ago, im a crazy psycho who thought we were together. He has said some awful things to me and will not speak to me at all. he says he loves this girl (she is 22, he is 36) he says they have a 'connection'. hes telling her he will take her travelling (according to her, according to him he didnt) she says he pays for everything (he didnt pay a cent when we were living together). i am just so hurt. I honestly never believed he would leave me. And now I really think he may be a N, which means he never really loved me at all and it hurts even worse. I just want him to contact me again. I know it sounds stupid. I know he was nasty, abusive, aggressive but i still love the old him. I know he cheated but how can he love her? we were together for 5 years. She is 22, has 2 young kids. how can that make him happy? i was prepared to mover over there to be with him. I honestly feel like my world has collapsed. I am trying so hard to do NC but i can't. i know i went psycho with the phone calls but it was like a vicious circle. the more he pulled away, the more i called. then when we split up i just missed him so much. i have only given him one missed call and one email today though! do u think he will notice if i stop contacting him or is he all swept up with the OW? I have read that N's usually come back. do u think he will? im not saying i would take him back but i want to be mentally prepared. he said he was going to change his number but surely he would've done this by now if he was that mad at my calling? i think he gets a kick out of it. he says he has blocked my email but i cant check that but i see that he hasn't blocked me on skype or on fb yet. i just dont see how i will recover from this.