lisarudi's story

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#1 Feb 19 - 12PM
lisarudi
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lisarudi's story

My ExN and I were married for 21 years. 2 children, 22yrs. and 14 yrs.(both boys). I knew from the very beginning I had made a mistake, but I was young (as was he)and pregnant.. We felt like we needed to "do the right thing" and marry.

From the start, he was selfish/self-centered and controlling. I was quite meek and rather intimidated by him. I learned to cope and focused on the boys; I somehow (still don't know how I did it)accepted my life and was determined to remain married. I was under the impression that he felt the same way.

By year 12-13, maturity had helped with the temper, but now he was obsessing about building up the family business. I was not allowed to be a part of any of the planning, the only requirement was that I sign my name of the loan papers, which of course I did. He hired a female assistant who became his confidant/advisor. Poor choice after poor choice led to bankruptcy for the business, and unfortunately for us personally. NOW I was good enough to hold his hand. He was very dependant on me at this point. But not for long.......

Since he is so brilliant (according to him)he started the process of rebuilding his career. During this time the outlandish lies began again. He had to travel a great deal, and I had requested to go with him from time to time. Out of the question.....however, he did hire two 19 yr. old girls to travel with him as his assitants. Overnight trips, buying them cars, computers, etc....

I started to challenge his "stories" and the appropriateness of his relationship with the young girls. He was doing nothing wrong he assured me. I didn't believe it for a minute. He would flaunt them in my face and tell me how unsupportive I was.

He then began to "confide" in our oldest son who was getting ready to leave for college. Apparently I was mean to him and unsupportive. In other words I called him out on things that were blantantly wrong or lies. The damage he caused between my oldest son and myself was devastating. We are just now trying to repair the damage done.

The lies: allegedly had a stroke and heart attack, yet no hospital stays, medications, insurance claims, nothing. He owns a resort in Key West, parties in New York with Will Smith and Johnny Knoxville. Has access to a private jet whenever he desires. Convinced that every friend I had was in love with him. Met the President, and uses Donald Trump's accountants and attorneys.

The older he got the worse it became. He is now 41 years old. He tells me that every woman wants him and every man wants to be him.

I kicked him out 18 months ago, filed for divorce and it became final in May of 2009.

Here is the best part......he's my neighbor. I kept the marital house and he moved down the road. Now he has a young woman living with him. I have yet to see them together, and I'm truly dreading it. We have absolutely NC. If we need to communicate about our youngest we email and it is short and to the point.

He treated me like something he found on the bottom of his shoe, and I got used to it. It was my normal...pathetic.

I am still struggling with my feelings for him. I want to feel safe, protected, loved. I never did with him, yet the charming side of him always made everything feel okay, and I was okay with okay for years.

I just went NC at Christmas time. Up and until then, he would come down to my house several times a week to talk (at me) about his wonderful life. I don't think I ever had a give and take conversation in the whole time we were married. Once I said NC....girlfriend pops up.

Adoration, Admiration, power, seems to be his drug of choice

I want to be free of him and his crazy-making life. I just don't know how to do it. (Yes I have been in therapy for several years. He of course refused).

This seems to be a terrific group of ladies with loads of wisdom, I look forward to seeking some support and giving it also.

Lisa

Feb 19 - 9PM
nycsurvivor
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Welcome lisarudi

I think his communication of his happy life was intentionally to hurt you. Any non-N would know that is hurtful, and would downplay it. Only a N, without empathy, would do that. It's especially difficult to do NC when he lives down the road. Have you considered moving? I know that would not be easy, but for one's peace of mind, and a real chance at moving forward, out of sight may be very helpful. You're right -this is a terrific group. I've learned so much already. There is so much comfort when you read stories of other women here who have gone through similar experiences. It validates how you've been feeling and thinking.
Feb 19 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
lisarudi
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nycsurvivor

Thanks for your kind welcome and words of encouragement. Yes, I think about moving all the time. However, my 14 year old is equally determined not to move. Then of course I feel the whole guilt thing.....As unpredictable as EXNH is, I kind of expect him to move. I know moving would help, but I feel kind of stuck. Plus....the court ordered him to pay off the mortgage :o)so I will have a nice asset once that is done.
Feb 20 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Paying off the mortgage

That's definitely incentive that's hard to walk awawy from! Good for you. Yes, your xNH may move. I hope so. If he doesn't, I'm not sure if it may be helpful if you set some boundaries like he cannot drop by anytime he wants, unless it has something to do with the children? That way you don't have to be subjected to how-great-his-life-is speeches?
Feb 20 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Paying off the mortgage

That's definitely incentive that's hard to walk awawy from! Good for you. Yes, your xNH may move. I hope so. If he doesn't, I'm not sure if it may be helpful if you set some boundaries like he cannot drop by anytime he wants, unless it has something to do with the children? That way you don't have to be subjected to how-great-his-life-is speeches?
Feb 19 - 8PM
secondchance
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our stories are very

our stories are very similar...married 21 + years. i am not done being divorced yet though. hang in there! they are crazy...we aren't!!
Feb 23 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
secondchance
secondchance's picture

sticking it out

i don't know...it had to play itself out. i now know i couldn't have co-parented with him and if i would have divorced him sooner my kids could have suffered tremendously. he can't "parent" at all since he is too concerned about himself. we can't dwell...just have to move forward. i have the rest of my life to think about!!
Feb 19 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
lisarudi
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secondchance

They can certainly make us feel like we are crazy though can't they??? Do you regret sticking it out as long as you did?
Feb 19 - 3PM
Barbara (not verified)
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welcome lisarudi

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Our Recommended Reading List http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/14/recommended-reading-victims Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Good for you for being in therapy & staying in! You will need ongoing support & help from a professional. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims