Lindylou's Story

I broke up with someone about 5 months ago who I believe may have been a narcissist due to behaviours displayed and experienced during my time with him.

I met this man online about 2-3 years ago. He was very charming, handsome and curteous and we swapped emails daily for about a month. After he suggested talking over the phone he suddenly withdrew and contact was ceased for well over a year. He got back in touch with me the following April and again was very charming, warm and loving saying he had gone through a bit of a 'funny time' and a long distance relationship progressed. I couldn't fault his attentiveness, he seemed to be my perfect partner - soulmate - and we spoke every day over Skype. After about 4 months I agreed to go out and see him and had the most wonderful holiday ever. We seemed perfect for each other, he introduced me to all his friends, took me everywhere with him and we talked about the possibility of me moving over there to be with him in the future. Looking back on it he was quick to declare love for me and although we had talked about me moving to be with him he seemed to want eventhing to happen imminently. I was hesitant about moving out as I obviously didn't know enough about him at that point and as I was the person who had the steady job and a home of my own I had a lot to lose.

On my return home he had put up joint pictures of us on his websites declaring he was 'so in love and very unsingle'. It was agreed I would go back out again in a month's time when he had holidays as his family would have expected him to spend time with them if he came over to the UK and he wanted to spend all his time with me.

A few incidents did happen leading up to that which gave me cause for concern. First being, he seemed to take exception to me not being around one night when he finished work. I woke the next morning to have a few texts and voicemails asking where I was, he'd been trying to contact me and my phone was switched off. On occasions I would wait up to speak to him on Skype when he finished work however on this occasion it was 1am and I had gone to bed and switched my phone off! I did think the reaction was a bit extreme given the time he rang, however he apologised the next morning and I put it down to insecurity. Following that, a week before I was due to go back out he suddenly became very irritable with me and signed off Skype very quickly for what seemed no reason. I texted him to ask if something was wrong to which he replied "I'm not happy with you and I will talk to you tomorrow". Next day he had deleted our pictures etc from his websites and it turned out he had decided a text I had sent to him the previous day wasn't meant for him all but for another man. This only came to light after he had sent me a few pretty angry emails accusing me of not wanting to be in the relationship any more and how he had too much respect for himself and his son to allow someone like me to enter their lives! I was completely dumbstruck at the time and after reasuring him that his imagination had run away with him he again apologised. I did inform him however that if he had any misgivings about introducing me to his son then I thought it best I didn't meet him (this was yet another event he wanted to happen quickly).

When I eventually met up with him again things were not as idyllic as they had been previously! Two days after my arrival we were to be attending a party of a friend which he made a big thing of as it would be our first outing together as a couple. He announced when I got there that he had been spending a lot of time with a vulnerable woman who had just lost her husband in tragic circumstances and he had asked her to come along to said party with us. Fine in itself, although I did think he could have checked it out with me first out of curtesy, but I let it go. We bumped into this woman at a local bar the day after I arrived and although I tried to make conversation with her she was quite dismissive of me and directed all conversation to him. Again I let it go putting it down to possible shyness etc and it transpired through conversation that he had in fact taken this woman out one evening (the original plan had apparently been for him and a male colleague to take her out, however the other chap had called off last minute). She didn't turn up at the party, however while we were at another bar she appeared at our table while I was at the toilet (he shouted her in when she was passing)- again all conversation was directed between themselves so much so that I began to feel very uncomfortable. A remark was passed by the woman directly to the Narc in front of me asking if 'that bottle of wine was his that he'd had left at her apartment the other night'. The Narc eventually realised I was looking uncomfortable and asked if I was ok, to which I politely said 'not really' and he asked if I wanted to go. The woman went off on her way and once he left the bar he rounded on me, blaming me for the situation which had developed and accusing me of not liking her. When I explained how I'd felt and enquired about the remark regarding the wine, he said he'd never been in her apartment as well she knew and that he'd been as dumbstruck as me when she'd made the comment as he'd given it to her on the pavement! He refused to resolve the matter that evening saying he was tired and he acted as if nothing had happened the next morning. He took me for breakfast to a cafe where he announced his 'ex-girlfriend worked' and although she wasn't there made a big thing of introducing me to all the cafe staff. I was still reeling what had happened the night before and probably was a little quiet compared to normal to which he informed me 'I could either accept the situation as it was or I could let it ruin things', inference being everything was down to me. That afternoon I went souvenier shopping while he watched football at the local bar. It was a hot day and whilst recouperating on a public seat with a can of juice 3 British tourists approached me. The mother and daughter went into the local supermarket for shopping whilst the husband sat next to me and chatted while he waited. He commented on a musician he knew which appeared to be my Narc and he lived in the same area he hailed from. When I returned to the apartment I happened to mention that I thought I'd chatted to someone who knew him whilst I'd been down in the town. It was then I experienced his rage for the first time - after intially chatting to me about it he suddenly flew into an almighty rage, accusing me of spending time chatting to another man rather than watching the football with him, he also accused me of being so insensitive to purposely make him jealous when he didn't know him and that 'we had big problems'. The only reason I had mentioned it was because the chap thought he knew him but no amount of consoling him would work and he eventually left the apartment demanding that I join him at the pub. When I explained I didn't want to go until we had resolved matters he left in any case and saying he expected me there within half an hour. I didn't want to go but felt I had no choice as I was staying at his apartment this time and didn't know how much angrier he would be if I didn't go. When I arrived at the bar he launched into very abusive, demeaning, verbal tactics which I found embarrasing and which must have been overheard by other people sitting at tables. He basically spoke to me like I was something he'd just kicked off the toe of his shoe! After unsuccessfully trying to resolve the situation I started to take the conversation away to trivial matters which did eventually seem to make him caLm down. By the time we left the bar he was apologising for his behaviour and everything went back to him being the attentive, loving person I was familiar with. A few evenings later he played up again. This time after drinking quite heavily he suddenly announced he was going home to take the dog out, downed a full glass of red wine in one and made to go. When I asked if he was just going to leave me in the bar on my own he announced 'Yes' and left. I left my drink and followed him out. He took the dog out without me and when I caught up with him to ask what was wrong he claimed he was 'very drunk and very tired' and 'we would talk in the morning'. He then refused to speak to me and I spent yet another sleepless night wondering what the heck had gone on - everything had been fine in the bar and we had been talking normally when he suddenly uped and left. Again in the morning he apologised after I suggested it would be best if I found another apartment to stay in, saying red wine made him depressed. He again went back to a very loving attentive affectionate person and all was idyllic for a while. A few nights before I was due to leave we went for a meal. He seemed in an irritable mood for some reason and kept making odeous remarks about wanting to sit 'where he could watch all the chics go by'. It felt as if he was looking for a reaction so I ignored it. He made some remark about me noticing good looking men if they passed and that he would think there was something wrong with me if I didn't - which I again ignored! He proceeded to then tear strips of his male work colleague claiming he wasn't who he said he was and how it made him angry when he overheard him. We were supposed to be going to see this chap at a bar he was playing at and my Narc started to make remarks about not going. When the meal finished we made our way down there. On the way a Spanish woman passed him who seemed quite rude to him when he said hello to her. When I asked who she was the rage again was displayed and he flew at me saying 'you've got a real jealous streak you have'. When I corrected him and explained I thought she had appeared rude to him, he launched into a personal attack that I was hyper-sensitive and I had issues with my past etc, etc. When we eventually got to the bar where his work colleague was playing, one of the barmaids passed us in the doorway and he loudly announced infront of an audience 'and before you ask no I haven't done her' both the barmaid and I looked at each other aghast and his work colleague just about passed out. Again I was dumbstruck and felt knee-high to a flee. While we were in the bar he made a few remarks to people who we both knew that 'she keeps falling out with me' which not only was childish but was wholly untrue and downright embarrassing. I again was subjected to the aggressive, verbal battering I'd had previously in front of another audience to which I made my excuses this time and got up and left. He again calmed down and apologised when he got back. Following day while he went off to a sound check he asked me to do him as few favours whilst I was shopping, then appeared very angry with me when I asked if he could pick me up when he got back (his favours included a 2 litre bottle of vodka and a large microphone box which had been left at the bar the night before). Had first experience of 'gaslighting' in that when he picked me up he first of all tried to pass the blame for his phone being out of credit to me and also that he had left me a message to say I didn't need to pick up the microphones as they had found them (which he didn't). The trip in the car was the worst I had ever had. My rational brain was telling me that I hadn't done anything to bring about the hostility however he managed to make me feel so bad that I just wanted to burst into tears. Again he tried to belittle me in front of a group of friends when we got back to the bar and when I confronted him about it he claimed he was just fed up because he was going back to work that night and I was leaving the next day. Again went back to loving self for rest of the time telling me he didn't want me to go and that he wanted to marry me!

When I got home, he started being pretty erractic about texting, meeting up etc, claiming that things were so intense sometimes that he couldn't concentrate on his work and that was the reason he was holding back on the calls/texts etc. After about a fotnight, he would not return my texts etc one evening in particular and I eventually got fed up and told him if he was doing the man thing wanting me to end it then that was fine and I wished him well. He again reacted with extreme rage via text and email accusing me of going out that night, insinuating I was meeting another man and that I needed help. He also accused me of having trust and jealousy issues which would wreck my life. As a final twist, he also had the nerve to end the email 'if the loving, warm woman I fell in love with 6 months ago ever returns please send her my email address'.

I spent a miserable six weeks whereby he did get in touch with me to say that he hadn't given up on us, that I was in a 'bad place' that he had been in and which he was now out of and that 'time was essential'and he wasn't going anywhere. I didn't contact him for 3 weeks and then received a message saying he hoped I would find love and happiness. When I questioned why he was bothering to send an email like that he claimed I was the only woman he had ever genuinely loved and he hoped there was another chance for us. We did get back together for a further 4 months during which time he went back to being the guy I knew initially. He wanted me to go down south to meet his family in the New Year with a view to returning home for good so we could start a life together. He didn't seem happy in his job at this point, was depressed and avoiding people. When I met up with him he was relaxed and happy, looking forward to a future together. However following his return abroad he again started to take me for granted and a month after he got back following a hiccup at work dropped all contact with me altogether. I was devastated and put it down to depression but kept sending him texts and emails every now and again to let him know I was there for him but to no avail. I eventually sent him two texts asking him to let me know if he'd changed his mind about us so I could get closure. First was ignored and the second I received a text back asking me to let him write first then we could talk followed by a huge amount of kisses. After a week I still heard nothing and asked him to please get in touch with me soon. His ex, who I got on well with, eventually messaged me to say that she had managed to get in touch with him a few weeks before and when she'd asked after me he'd told her 'we were no longer together' and 'it was a long story'. I was so fed up by this point I sent him a final email letting him know I knew, that I was fine with it and asking for the return for some items of clothing and refund of a £200 bill to fix a camcorder he asked me to do as a favour. I then blocked him from my email and social sites as I'd already decided I didn't want any further contact from him.

Needless to say its now 2 months on, I am still £200 out of pocket but its a small price to pay if it means he can't get in touch again. I realise now that I didn't mean anything to him and that all the talk was cheap. It's taken a long time to get my head around things, even though I realised myself something wasn't quite right in his behaviours. Through reading a lot of other people's experiences on this site, which are similar to my own, I realise I was most probably dealing with a narcissist. They are very mind-boggling, confusing people to be involved with and really make you question yourself as a person, even when you know you've been correct in certain circumstances.

I'm now looking forward to a life without him which I would never have thought was possible 6 months ago. I can't say the feelings are completely dead but I am in a much happier place that I was a few months back and I see him for what he truly is now. I realise also that a lot of the feelings I am coming to terms with are as a result of devaluation rather than loss of love. After a year of being in a relationship with someone you at least expect to be due some sort of explanation as to why it is at an end but that's Narcs for you!