Letting go of the conditioning....what's left of me?

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Apr 15 - 9AM
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

Letting go of the conditioning....what's left of me?

I know that my childhood was extreme although I did not know it. I was a slave and conditioned to serve. I had a few years on my own as an adult and was becoming who I was meant to be. Only 5 short years and then the N/P slowly methodically over 20 years..conditioned me to serve him.

This is a painful path..I'm sad for myself, yet excited to find out who I was meant to be. I don't remember a time when I felt good about who I am around my FOO and the N/P. yes, they led to me to believe that I was terrific, when I was working for them in the WAY that they wanted. The problem was that...it was never enough. I was never enough.

I have recognized that some of my habits and thoughts are not who I really am. I have been shaped and molded over 50 years to serve others and live in fear of punishment, criticism, or abandonment if I did not comply. I realize that my compliance never left me free of fear of any of the above...it was only a cruel game.

I realize that they lied and led me to believe that I had control over anything they did.

The one thing I've learned for sure is...let them be who they are. I am letting go of the deep seated belief that my words or actions will have any impact on those who punish and control. I have also learned that I MUST NEVER allow disordered people to be my mirror. Through their eyes..it was too confusing to know who I was. One minute I was beautiful...and the next ugly. Acceptable..unacceptable.

I look around at my life and wonder daily now...about how much of what I do.. and feel good about...or do out of fear?

What's good for me? what to let go of? What to keep? Without a healthy person in my life..how will I know what IS good and what to work on?

The bar for me was so high and so confusing...the bar for them was so low and I was conditioned to accept that. NO more. I want balance.

Now that I know that I can not physically, mentally or emotionally keep up the standards that were imposed on me.I have to let go of the standards that did no belong to me.

I've let much go...and focusing on getting well. I've noticed though that I find myself still feeling guilt and shame for what I am not doing or doing, even though I Know I need to get well.Powerful conditioning! I notice that i feel like i need to explain so that I won't receive criticism shame and humiliation. This is usually my first thought. I am tired of explaining to the COURT , JURY and JUDGE and then losing my case and being given the verdict of GUILTY.Shame was a powerful tool.I am not perfect and am trying to replace shame with regret and a promise to myself that I am a work in progress and have things to learn and I CAN!And THAT is ok with me.( I need to be reminded though till It is natural for me) I existed to be groomed to make them feel superior, smarter, more valuable, more important than I am... and I served them well.

I know that I fear vulnerability much less than I did before.Actually, I am finding that being vulnerable is a good tool to find out who the sick are. I fear that less and less. I'd rather see them upfront. I fear achieving the HIGH bar..much less than before. In fact, it is so freeing. I fear having or believing that I have any control of others treatment of me far less than I did before. In fact, I no longer want the job...there was no payoff for me nor them.

I read in the Bible that even God will try to turn them around only for so long and then at some point he will give them up to their ways. he never asked me to take his place and never give up on them. I've learned to trust that I can only do so much and the rest is up to them and also trust that God will know better than I and will send them opportunity if HE chooses. I'll leave that to a much better assessor than myself. I will have faith.

I have recognized areas that I need to work on. I love some of my new beliefs, but I realize that I need reminders until I make them my own,naturally. I realize that there is no one in my life that will speak those reminders to me...and I need that to speed up my progress.

This brings me to this place...where I will get the truth.. and not humored.. or coddled but Corrective discipline where I need it..FOR ME...not for the reason of FEEDING the giver. SO foreign, yet so loving.

Question: has anyone else been so lost about who they are and starting over...? In Janies langauge...what to weed and what to plant, feed and water?

Some things are obvious to keep, but the messages of worthless, unacceptable are so ingrained and hard to sort out alone. I'm tired of the evil guides and the blind guides. I want a loving one.

First thing that is necessary is to RID MY LIFE of any and all of those who in any way shape or form will subtly or outwardly keep me confused for their OWN benefit.

I gotta go NC with family and LC with the ones I can't. But when I soften...I need support.i know why I have feared letting them go. i am about to go under the bus and I just wasn't strong enough, not sure that I am now, but I gotta try. I KNOW what I am about to get, discredited, devalued, smeared and harmed. I am about to face my fears. Iknow that the price will be painful. I know that there will be grieving. I also know that it's the only way to freedom...and I have feared what they told me to. A LIE.

If anyone has been there or done that...or can relate to anything here...feel free to advise, share, and correct my thinking. Support of any kind will be greatly appreciated.

I pray that there is hope for me.

the same for people in my life...the weeds were choking out the plant that needed food, water and nurturing.

not only am I weeding but looking for another plant for my garden.. and a caretaker who can teach me how to USE weed killer and fertilizer appropriately.

Correction from the sick is cruel, painful and to be rejected..but correction from the loving is a GIFT. for the first time in my life I have experienced the difference.

I kind of rambled on from one subject to another...but i feel like I'm in a place that understands that! YAY!

I may not know who I will be when this is over but I do know that I am better off for the effort and I will take the good and pass it on.

For those of you who have guided me and found me worthy of your time...I am forever grateful, overwhelmed in fact. there are so many GIFTS and talents here!
Truth

Apr 15 - 1PM
NewMe63
NewMe63's picture

I understand this,

Apr 15 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

NewME

Apr 15 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
AprilD
AprilD's picture

NewMe

Apr 15 - 10AM
AprilD
AprilD's picture

Truth

Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

April, yep Praise the Lord and grateful to those he sent.

Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
AprilD
AprilD's picture

Assuming everything was a lie

Apr 15 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

April

Apr 15 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
AprilD
AprilD's picture

Yes

Apr 15 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

truth

Apr 16 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

My own caretaker... Can anyone elaborate on this?

Apr 15 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

Used

Apr 15 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

Yes, Used, and truth...

spinning

Apr 16 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

I read this poem again. Each

Apr 15 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

Spinning