Letter to my unsupportive friends.

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#1 Aug 7 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Letter to my unsupportive friends.

I'm just sharing this here not with them........

I will no longer explain what I have been through.

I will no longer defend the fact that I obsessed about researching narcissism, that I talked about it a lot, that I missed some work because I felt unsafe providing nursing care in my mind set. You know why? Because doing those things were necessary and HELPED ME. That is what I needed to do to help myself.

I have come a long way. I have been through a lot and I have survived. I may not be fully healed and I don’t know when I will be, but I do know it will happen.

You have not been exposed to a disturbed narcissist/abuser who mindfucked you, and if you are ever unfortunate enough to experience that, then come talk to me and we will compare coping strategies.

I am where I am. Which is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 7 months ago. How about credit for that? I may experience weak moments and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am strong.

I have always been a supportive and compassionate person that defends and advocates for my friends.
I will accept nothing less than that in return.

I have muffled my voice too many times in my life. No more. When someone does or says something to me that is hurtful or inappropriate towards me, I WILL SPEAK UP. I will no longer tolerate being judged or criticized by anyone that is not experienced with what I have dealt with.

I may not be at a point in recovery where you think I should be at, and you may not agree with how I coped.... but that is now ok with me.

If it is not ok with you, then you are welcome to leave my life.

Aug 13 - 12AM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

I love you so much!

That was perfect :)
Aug 12 - 8AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I saw a very good old friend

I saw a very good old friend last night. She met my narc husband as he was baby sitting. She said, 'he always seems to presentable and aggreeable' 'he is sticking around' ' he could have run off and left you with nothing' 'he is great dad' and ' maybe he is not as bad as you think' ??????? I had to explain exactly details of how he mindf**ked me so much. I had to try to explain how he would humiliate me and beliitle me, how he tried to force me to quit my job, how he 'subtley' embarresed me in front of people, how he talked down to me about my choices or ideals etc.. etc.. etc.. She is my best friend in the whole world, she will always be... she can able to listen to anything I say to her and she will never judge and always try to understand. And even though she could do all this, she is very empathic and caring, I think she couldn't actaully understand the complexities of the insedious, bit by bit, chipping away of your whole being, that takes place in a relationship with someone with strong NPD traits. I think in less you really have a relationship with one of these guys then you just dont know what its like. It cant even be imagined. It's trial by fire. If you do get burnt by a narc, then the memory will never leave. (((thats not accounting for the cycles of damage done if you dont even know you have been 'narced' in your life))) Her husband is not exaclty delightful, he defo had narc tendancies, but I think the worst part about NPD abuse is the vicous intent and the very deeply routed underlying tactics that these guys use to break you 'slowly and over time', AND without ANYONE actualy being aware of what they are doing and how low these guys will go to secure a reaction from there victim... In fact even the victim doesn't know at first what is goin on.. its so insedious.. So our fiends can only see the outside 'mask' that ther narc is wearing, the same 'mask' we saw at the beggining. The same 'mask' the narc devlops to entice new supply... What can we do??? very little to explain what it is like? Yea, ist just so deeply dangerous that no one can know what is like unless they experince it first hand.. thats just a fact..
Aug 12 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Steph
Steph's picture

" I think she couldn't

" I think she couldn't actaully understand the complexities of the insedious, bit by bit, chipping away of your whole being, that takes place in a relationship with someone with strong NPD traits." That is so so true. I'm sorry your friend said those things to you. My biggest issue with my friends is that not only did they not understand (which, fair enough, it is hard to understand what you don't know) but....they critisized my coping mechanisms. Things that were recommended by a PhD therapist!! "two sides to every story", "maybe you have to take some blame too" " sometimes relationships between people just don't work out" that's the comments i got. I have decided that I don't need to prove anything to anyone anymore. I know what happened. I know what he is. I am SO thankful to have you guys here. I don't know what I would have done without having people that understand. xoxo
Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
Used
Used's picture

vix

i am sorry love, but i dont think she,s a good friend, even if someone see,s only the mask, they still shouldnt minimise what you have been thru, and in saying this specially the bit about he stayed naround ,what a fucking cheek, what so he doingyou a big favor did he, i dont think so," i understand ted bundy was agreeable and friendly, yeah right, believe it or not i am in a temper, because a friend[now ex] said this to me about ex husband, i told her to fuck off before i done something i would regret, this was about 8 years ago, i saw her last year and she tried to explain that i took it the wrong way, i told her to piss off, and that i wouldnt tell her again.ps people used to say what a wonderful father he was to our kids, well he appeared to be , but how come then now they are adults, they havent 1 iota of respect for him cos now they know him so well.
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
Amy
Amy's picture

Agreed

My best friends HATE my exN because they know what I went through. If I were to say we were getting back together, they would be VERY upset about it. No one says "well maybe he is not that bad!"
Aug 12 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Amy

My true friends want nothing to do with my xN and my family would disown me if i had anything to do w/him. One of my bestest friends spouse is best friends w/the xN. She just said the other nite it's not like she can not have anything to do w/him becuz of her husband. But in her defense she also said I am sooo much better off w/o him and he's such a low life & I have never sounded better since I'm not with him anymore.
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Bluebeard

She's suffering from Bluebeard syndrome. "Oh his beard isn't *that* blue." Have her read that story and get back to you Vix!
Aug 12 - 7AM
narcsurvivor
narcsurvivor's picture

my sentiments exactly.

my sentiments exactly.
Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
Used
Used's picture

stayingstrong

good for you, and as the bible says and the truthshall set you free.which in a perverted way explains why the n,s lie cos ,when narc told me something once[admitting he had lied in the first place about it] i remember not going out of my home for days i felt so shocked, and said to my shrink, on phone, i have just sat with evil personified and ment it. i still went back. so they cant afford to tell the truth, it will set them free in the way it did with n, that was my biggest defining moment with him, i was horrified, while he [li remember thinking ive got to get away] was aroused by telling me, a captive audience. he tracked me down a couple of weeks later and said i have been looking for you, as he had been ill[mentally] when he told me. no way, obviously my reaction was not what he expected. he must have realy thought he had me where he wanted. WRONG.
Aug 8 - 11AM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

stayingstrong78

My thoughts exactly.

almostlydia

Aug 8 - 9AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

The psychopath term is a problem

I find. It's like okay, you can say he's a narcissist (and they usually take that in the "lite" way, meaning, you can say he's full of himself) but a PSYCHOPATH? Come on, he's not that bad...he's not a serial killer or anything. No wonder it's hard for us to come to terms with what we lived with, most of those around us try to minimize--as if we didn't do so much of that ourselves. Or I also find that they want to know what MY role in the relationship and its troubles was. How do you explain that without them getting into "well it takes two to tango" speech. They can't understand that our part isn't what they'd expect. It's classic Bluebeard stuff..."oh his beard isn't that blue" (and if you haven't read Bluebeard lately please do, it is our story in a nutshell. Clarissa Pinkola Estes' version in Women Who Run with Wolves is particularly good).
Aug 8 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

Honestly, if I could travel

Honestly, if I could travel back in time I wouldn't tell any of these 'friends' sh*t-all about him. It only served to paint me as a nutter. The humiliation of that on top of his degradation too much to bear. I mean c'mon people there are millions of mentally disturbed people out there and it's inconceivable that I've met one and that instead this is about me?! When you've known me for 20 years and we've been friends since we were kids? WTF? ~Friends are the ones that walk into your life when the rest walk out~
Aug 12 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
narcdx3
narcdx3's picture

Aliveagain

I'm with you on that--I learned at least that 1 thing from divorcing the narc the first time--don't unload his crazy on everybody when it's over. It made me look crazy the last time because people would say oh I saw him and he's so upset he really loves you, he's such a good guy blablabla. So when the narc boss dumped me like a load of rocks I walked away and didn't defend my honor or say he's full of crap. I wish so bad I could. I got an email today saying "I heard a rumor you did someting and was asked to leave". I was furious. Yea I did something I reported a narc. But instead of saying that I just said yeah I heard a rumor tooo and it wasns't true. I wanted to say he's a flippn nut! but I knew it would only make me look angry and crazy. I hope and pray that they figure him out. Some of his lies have been revealed to them but not enought to make them break their undying loyalty to him. I want them to see it crystal clear.
Aug 8 - 3AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Freinds dont get it , i have

Freinds dont get it , i have 2 girlfreinds who have been in an abusive relationship and they kind of get what i am going through they will let me talk about the fact that he is a psycopath and they kind of know but i dont push it with them proberly because they healed and i dont want to open up the old wounds in them . I think half the problem is that we have read up so much about the condition that i now regard myself as a narc expert , i could sit an exsam and pass with flying colours , i struggled long and hard with the fact he has no consience or empathy that the only santion on his behaviour is what he can get away with and thats with a years study ,it is still an increadable notion . Someone with no study of the subject is simply not going to get their head round it .I dont stop trying to get people to see as i have a desire to educate now , people need to know that psycopaths walk amonst us , its not just in the movies they are very real and dangerious . I supose when anyone starts to educate with something new that rocks the boat they run the risk of ridlcule , just look at all the trouble women had to get the vote but little by little it became an excepted part of life and i hope that the awearness of this condition will become an excepted fact and we will not look like the crazy ones but the heros for speaking out . You know in my life time back in the 1970s police didnt prosecute domenstic violence , it wasnt considered a crime so i know public oppinion can change in a short space of time , we just need to be listerned to and be brave enough to speak out , thats why our Lisa is so amazing and why we are all so amazing here .We found each other and we are working together .. Big Love xx
Aug 12 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
RandomGal
RandomGal's picture

It's so true friends just

It's so true friends just dont get it..... Only my family who really knew him and dealt with him on a regular basis understand. I have tried to explain to others but noone really understands unless they have been through it. The most cutting comment was a friend who I have had since I was 11 said to me 'come on its not as if he raped you every night' WTF?? How can a person without a personality disorder who has been involved with someone who has a personality disorder escape unscathed? 12 years we were together and I left 2 years ago the scars have healed but they will never go!! I thought I was alone until I found this, I wish I'd found it earlier but lke everything I suppose it comes along at the right time.....Thanks everyone xx
Aug 8 - 12AM
M
M's picture

friends

after the divorce, I discovered that our mutual friends did see he had a problem--they couldn't define it. They either tolerated it, or didn't associate with him on an intimate-friend level, just an acquaintance/business level. He began hanging with a new crowd about 4 years ago---new supply as they met me maybe once if at all. I just simply say, "xN has deep rooted issues that can never be resolved. I choose now not to be around that." I have people say "Someday you both can be cordial at events together." (we have a child)I have kept contact to email. I respond, "No, when we were married, I never knew if a happy or angry person was coming home. I still cannot predict that and I do not want to take the chance of a scence occuring in front of my daughter, or friends."
Aug 7 - 10PM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Well said

Here though you are heard and you are understood too :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Aug 7 - 9PM
narcdx3
narcdx3's picture

Friends

My friends are the same with me. "why do you keep reading about it? It happened get on with it, it's over". Yeah it happened 3 times and the last was horrible and I never want to go through it again. Makes me wonder if they too are N's. I know for a fact 1 is and I've gone NC with her. The others I just basically speak when spoken to. Doesn't matter if they get it a friend is a friend even when they don't get something.
Aug 7 - 8PM
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Love it...

You don't owe anyone an explanation, but kudos for getting those feelings out!