This is a letter my ex typed me after a fight

My exN could have moments of insight or understanding like this too, but nothing changed afterward either. I think it is a form of manipulation on their part, even if they aren't doing it intentionally. They do sometimes KNOW the way they should try to be, but when it comes to acting like it they fail. So they will say the right things sometimes just because they might want to try to be normal. They are disconnected from their thoughts on an emotional level, so them seeming to 'get it' by writing letters like this, does NOT make a narc a normal though. It also doesn't mean he's trying to be manipulative either IMO, he just can't follow through because he's a narc.

HE IS A NARC. NARCS ARE NOT NORMAL. At least I darn well hope not (!!). I think this post got long, but I hope it helps some. I understand what you mean and I have these questions pretty regularly when I go over things exN said/did... ExN seemed to have a MASSIVE moment of clarity right after the first D&D (and ensuing 2 months of silence). I was NC but I broke it first and NOW I can see it was actually a pretty effective Silent Treatment on her part. Anyway, when she was going on about how she was SO TERRIBLE, always the "fucked up one" in the relationship/life and how it felt so good to talk about it and how she was absolutely going to change... it hooked me faster than the beginning of the relationship!! Like IMMEDIATELY swept back in. Maybe she meant it (moment of clarity) or maybe she was hoovering. Either way, SHE DID NOT CHANGE A FREAKING THING about her behavior and in fact, put more obstacles in the way of us moving forward together as she claimed she wanted to. Look at what he has written and HOW it is written. It features an awful lot of the use "I" and how it felt for HIM to have all the attention - then he proceeds to assume how you feel and how/why you reacted. Read carefully: He's writing about what is "important" to do as if it is a fact - NOT as if he PLANS to do it. If he leans toward saying its something he might/could do, he says "WE." This is not being accountable. I hope you will not think this is harsh but I will read between the lines here: Earlier you asked me, “What should we do to fix it?” (YOU PUT ME ON THE SPOT AND I GUESS I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING OR YOU WILL WALK AWAY; I NEED YOUR SUPPLY) I recalled a conversation in which we discussed our desires to stop the cycles our parents set up for us. (NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT; MY PARENTS MADE ME THIS WAY... which may be true but doesn't mean he doesn't have to be accountable for current action) Furthermore, I believe you to be a great example of how one person can take charge of themselves and release themselves from their chains. ("IDEALIZE HER QUICK" - UH, YOU ARE AWESOME AND SO STRONG, IF I SAY YOU'RE STRONG NOW YOU WILL STAY AND I DON'T HAVE TO REALLY DO ANYTHING; YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON WHO IS TRYING TO MOVE PAST FOO ISSUES, BUT I NEVER WILL. EXCUSES FTW!!) I believe that my personal shit is at least partly where my bad behavior has been stemming from. ("PITY PARTY" - I'M SO BAD, BOO HOO, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M BAD BUT I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE HERE...) It felt good talking about it the other day. (WE GOT TO FOCUS ON ME AND IT WAS AWESOME... IT ALWAYS FEELS GOOD TO TALK ABOUT ME.) I really think that letting go of the anger I have built up inside me will get rid of these ridiculous outbursts I keep having. (I KNOW WHAT I DO IS INEXCUSABLE BUT I'LL COME UP WITH SOME WAY TO WORK AROUND IT. IN FACT, HERE I CAN EXCUSE FUTURE "RIDICULOUS OUTBURSTS" BECAUSE I'M SAYING IT'S A GOOD THING FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY ANGER TOWARD YOU.) It needs to come out. (AT YOU. ALL THE TIME. WHENEVER YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALL THE HATE I FEEL INSIDE AND THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER. YOU'RE JUST AN EMPATH/CONDUIT FOR MY FEELINGS... YOU DON'T MIND, RIGHT??) I also think that us talking about all the little (and big) things that have happened between us need to come out and be discussed too. (THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR AND TRYING DESPERATELY TO GET TO HAPPEN FOR A WHILE, SO I'LL JUST PRETEND IT'S MY IDEA). Me explaining it away, crying, getting angry, talking about myself and going on about my childhood and then us sweeping it under the carpet didn’t do anything for the problem, for us, and for you. (MY ACTIONS ARE USUALLY PRETTY POINTLESS BUT THEY GET ME ATTENTION. OF COURSE IT DOESN'T HELP OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT - AS LONG AS I GET SUPPLY. AND WHEN YOU SWEEP IT UNDER THE CARPET, I'M ANNOYED I'M NOT GETTING MORE ATTENTION. ME, ME, ME!) Your side was never delved into and as a result resentment built up within you (totally understand). (OH SHIT. HA! YOU THOUGHT WE MIGHT TALK ABOUT YOU? RIGHT. WELL, I KNOW EVERYTHING AND OBVIOUSLY IT WAS ONLY BC WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT YOU THAT YOU GOT MAD. NOT ANYTHING THAT I DID, OF COURSE. GEEZ, HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE?) Me admitting that I was wrong for doing those things and properly apologizing and listening to you is something that needed to happen a long time ago. (MOMENT OF TRUTH. BUT LOOK HOW I'M SAYING I SHOULD APOLOGIZE... BUT NOT NEEDING TO/BOTHERING TO ACTUALLY SAY "i'm sorry") I don’t think its done but I believe it to be a good start. (AS LONG AS IT KEEPS YOU HERE AND HANGING ON SO I CAN GET SUPPLY... I'LL PLAY ALONG) Of course, me staying on top of this Is just as important. (OBVIOUS FACT THAT I CAN TWIST TO MAKE MYSELF SEEM EMPATHETIC AND REMORSEFUL. IS IT WORKING?) I should not lose sight of the fact that its always important to put myself in your shoes. (OBVIOUS FACT TWO. I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY LIVE UP TO BEING EMPATHETIC, IT'S A DRAG AND TAKES THE FOCUS OFF MY INCESSANT INTERNAL NEED FOR ATTENTION AND "ALL ABOUT ME" ATTITUDE. AT LEAST I'VE MADE IT SOUND LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOU) I hope this wasn't too sarcastic and that you understand that I am trying to sort through my own cog diss, too. I've been in your shoes, for real, Miss Jade and I know how hard this process is. You know deep down that you deserve more - this is the cognitive dissonance taking over your brain. Wishing you strength and "clarity" of mind xxx Mega

You know what life's too short to deal with this back and forth Bull Shit!! You either want to be with someone or you don't. You fuck up you talk about forgive and move on! Hunter

put myself in your shoes. This sentence gives you a big clue on his character because morally healthy people do not have to remind themselves to have empathy.