the letter i'll never send.... perfect NS, I know... at least i was good at something.

Dear N,

I hear that you have a new job. I hope it's the start to a less stressful and better life for you. Remember our conversation about how you manifest what you want? Look, it's even in the building you have wanted to work in, I'm happy for you.

I'm writing you this letter, before you move back in, to try to provide an opening for a friendship with you. A real friendship. Not being polite with an undercurrent of seething resentment. Believe it or not, to quote something you said to me not too long ago, 'you don't know everything about me'. I'm pretty transparent and honest. I guess that's part of the 'feelings on my sleeve' that always bothered you.

The reason I have been distant with you is because I have been mourning the loss. I truly loved you so much. In a special, special way. A way I have to leave behind with my innocence. You were really like a god to me. And the fact that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, I could never be enough for you, broke my heart. I always blamed myself for not being good enough for you. That is why Dr. Rose insisted that I not do any 'favors' or respond to your requests. It wasn't to be nasty that I said no to calling the bank or watching milo (you know damn well how much i love that dog). I'm trying to stop seeking all of my validation from you, because you won't give it to me! Even if I do everything you ask of me, like I did when we were together, you will still remember the few times i don't or won't, and I'll hate myself. Do you see how that happened? Not the blow jobs or the breakfasts fed to you in bed, the lunches, the dinners, the sex, the fact that I worshipped the ground you walked on, but the fact that I said no to you several times during our marraige resulted in a 'this is a good example of why I divorced you'. Did you know it took me a week to stop crying after you sent that to me? I sat there in Dr. Roses office beating myself up for a week feeling like a piece of shit because I told you 'no'. I didn't ask for your help once since you left me. I didn't get mad at you for not caring when i was doing dishes with a hose, because you called me sad, and I wanted to be there for YOU. It's not ME ME ME at all. It's always been YOU YOU YOU for me. When it was about ME, it was about how I could make YOU happy with me...

I HAVE to stop. I want nothing more than to serve you, but that's not healthy for me. Do you understand that?

I think it's this very tendancy towards self blame and submissiveness that drew you to me. And it drew me to you.... like a moth to a flame. Flames are bad for moths, though. And you should be with someone stronger than a moth. I see that now.

I'm not tough like your friend Louie, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be treated with less tenderness or protection. If anything, I should be treated with more.

If you really want my friendship, be a friend to me. I realise I made mistakes while we were married, and I feel terrible about them. BELIEVE ME. I feel worse for the things I did wrong than you can even begin to imagine feeling yourself, I don't need to be made to feel worse or punished anymore than I do to myself, do I?? That letter you wrote my attorney broke my heart in two.

When you are cold, indifferent or harsh to me, and I feel my heart sinking into my chest, I have to retreat to protect it. Because you can still hurt me, because I'm not going to stop caring over night. I wish that I could.

That being said, I know that what probably should have been an amazing affair, turned out to be a very turbulent marriage. Remember, I told you to marry kate' and to put me up in an apartment. That way all of your needs could be met? I wasn't kidding. I knew.... YOU try being a madonna and a whore and being devalued for both! But, we live and we learn...

I know it was good that you left. I was ready to leave myself, I just adored you too much to do it. So I thank you for giving me back my wings, Sidney. I would like nothing more than to come out of this with a warm and loving friendship and to be the first one to tell your next woman what a lucky one she is. I mean that from the bottom of my heart... No charm or fakeness... No flattery. I'm done with that.

I'm going to leave you with this quote

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”

http://bellydancenow.com/

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