LearningYoungster’s Story

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#1 Jun 12 - 9PM
LearningYoungster's picture

LearningYoungster’s Story

LearningYoungster’s Story (yes, it plays out like a bad Lifetime movie!)

Hi everyone. There will probably be things in my story of which you do not approve, but please try not to judge me. I judge myself enough already.

I am currently a 20-year old college student. Last summer, I worked as a research assistant for a 32-year old Ph.D student. He was charming, witty, quite handsome, and married with a small child. Last July, after several months working together, he kissed me. I was attracted to him as well, and even though I knew it was wrong to be with a married man, I could not deny the connection I felt, so we became romantically involved.

I should mention here that before him, I had never kissed anyone. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything (which makes this all the harder, I think).

Within weeks he had told me he loved me, that I was his soulmate, that we belonged together. I was so blinded by all of this that I feel deeply in love with him, or at least with who I thought he was.

Soon after this, his wife discovered an email from him to me professing his love. She subsequently moved 6-hours away, with the child, to start a new job. I feel so selfish for not thinking more of her and the baby in all of this, but I honestly thought I had found my perfect person, the one I was supposed to be with, my soulmate, and that everything would work out. In the beginning, he made me feel so special, so happy, and so loved. He said that I fulfilled him to no end.

In November, we slept together. This was my first time with anyone, and I thought I was ready because it was with someone who really, truly loved me. I thought (not without basis) that we were going to spend our lives together. He often spoke of marriage to me, and about how we were going to have this wonderful life together. We had so many plans.

A few days later, my parents found out about our relationship and alerted the school. There was a formal investigation into our relationship, but while I was left to testify in front of Deans from various schools, he went on a rock-climbing trip and left me all alone. I guess this should have been a red flag, but I ignored it. He told me that my parents were overreacting and would calm down eventually, but my relationship with them began a vast deterioration. They essentially disowned me. I had no one to turn to but him… but I thought “love conquers all”, right? Maybe real love does. But this cannot be real love. Real love means reciprocity. But I am sidetracking.

Fast forward to March, and I find out that I’m pregnant. I’m a Junior in college—I really cannot have a baby right now (we used protection every time, but something must have gone haywire). He said that I should keep the baby and we could be a family. All this time, and he still had not begun divorce proceedings with his wife, despite promising to. When I suggested we take a break until he was divorced for real, he got so upset. I was shocked. He claimed I must not really love him etc. etc. I ended up saying sorry and that my idea was stupid. But he went up to visit his wife/daughter every other week and slept on the futon there. How is that supposed to make me feel secure in a relationship? I felt awful, insecure, and terrified of losing him (especially when he did not have the decency to return my calls/texts). And that was before the pregnancy hormones kicked in!

So, at first he wants me to have a baby with him. I told him I needed to consider all options before making a decision. Later that week, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, so I asked him if I could read his emails. He looked at me oddly but said yes. I found emails from him to his wife saying what a huge mistake he has made, and asking if he could please have another chance. All this while he was telling me that he loved me, that we could be a family. I broke up with him then and there, saying that no matter what I chose, I did not want him to be involved. I just couldn’t believe that the sweet man who loved me so much would lie and hurt me like this. We slept together that day (there definitely was physical attraction involved in our relationship), and I started crying in the middle of it. All he did was look at me. In retrospect, this was one of the most awful experiences in our relationship. I’ll never forget how he just watched me cry. Whenever he cried, I cried with him, hugged him, gave him back massages, anything he needed. But he just watched me cry.

So, he disappears to see his wife and baby for several days. He comes back and begs me for a second chance, saying that he would support me whatever my decision, and that he would always be there for me, no matter what, and that he would never lie to me again. He said he loved me more than anyone, and that he would really be wonderful from now on. I truly felt like he meant those things, and when he plaintively begged “could I please be your boyfriend again?” I said yes. I should have gotten out then, when I felt powerful and ready.

I decided that an abortion was the right choice for me. I know that some people may not approve of this, but I want to have a child with the right person at the right time, so that I can give that child everything he/she deserves and more. I still cry about it everyday, though, and it has been nearly two months since the procedure.

After the abortion, I cried every night. He would hold me and tell me that it would be okay. Two weeks later, however, I get a text message from him, dumping me. He said that he needed to be there for his daughter, so that even though I was the love of his life, he had to stop being selfish and start being there for his daughter. With this, he even made it impossible for me to be mad at him. How can I be upset that he wants to be there for his child? I can’t! That is what he should do! I just don’t understand why he had to abandon me in my time of need. Why now? I just feel like this is a convenient excuse for him to escape responsibility.

I was always there for him, whenever he needed me. Now when I for once needed a little support, he ditches me completely, like I am yesterday’s trash. The abortion was the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through (and after reading some other people’s stories, I realize that I don’t actually have it that bad! Thank you so much for the perspective). I just really needed him, and he totally abandoned me. The day before he was telling me how much he loved me and needed me, how I made him feel like no one else ever did. The next minute he is just gone, just like before. I wonder what it is like to have a partner who is actually there for you when you are going through terrible things.

I’m sorry this is so long. I know that I really do deserve this, because, well, karma’s a bitch. But I honestly did not know better—I was really young (19 when we first got together), and he was the first guy I ever kissed (which he actually knew before we got together). I feel so manipulated and used. He even said that he hopes we could be together sometime in the future if he can get his act together.

How do I get to the place where I would be strong enough to say that I don’t want him anymore, that enough is enough, and that it is completely unfair how he treated me? I thought he really loved me. He told me that I was his perfect person, the one he was meant to be with. All he could say when I confronted him about this was “I meant it at the time”. I feel so lost, upset, and alone. I want to stop loving him, but I just can’t do it yet (though it has only been 3 weeks since he dumped me). And one of the last things he said was that he thought he got married too young, but that this (our relationship) was a nice break from his marriage. Who says that? We had even talked about having kids one day. I can’t believe that all those plans were gone in an instant (poof!) But, like I said, karma. I now understand how his wife must have felt (except her pain must have been so much worse). I feel so terrible for not having seen her plight.

It is probably not a coincidence that, the day before he dumped me, I mentioned (in passing) that I was still cut off from my very wealthy family, right? He just said “oh, still?” and then let it go, but it is too much to be a coincidence, isn’t it? (I have since reconciled with my family, telling them everything. My parents have really been supportive of me these past few weeks. It is really nice to have people who genuinely love you to cry to.)

Apparently his wife is welcoming him back like a savior. I don’t understand how the man I thought loved me can leave me in pieces like this and just go back to his normal life like nothing ever happened. I guess life really isn’t fair, is it? I do feel like I deserve this to some degree, but I just really thought he loved me. I would not have gotten involved with him for anything less than something very serious.

Reading about narcissism has really helped me understand how he can abandon me so easily. Everything in our relationship was all about him, how he was feeling, and not about me. Always. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before; I just wanted to be supportive, and ended up sacrificing myself along the way. In a final email to me, he said “Thank you for giving yourself so fully and wholly to me. I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you. I will always love you.”

How do I stop wanting him? I know I shouldn’t, but the feelings I have for him are so strong. I think he expects me to wait around until he someday wants me again, but I want to grow strong and not care for him anymore. How do I move on from this? I feel so... betrayed.

Thank you for reading this. I would really appreciate any advice.



Jun 14 - 10AM
spinning's picture

Learning, braveheart,

I just want to say you may think you're just learning but your story indicates that your instincts are good and you were way, way taken advantage of and targeted by a TRUE, DOWN TO THE BONE, PRACTICED PREDATOR. Your biggest problem (but what will ultimately be a blessing at this early stage in your life) is going to be truly comprehending, truly knowing that EVIL PEOPLE LIKE THIS SO-CALLED PERSON EXIST and will EXPLOIT YOU AT EVERY TURN for the thrill of it! Though it hurts like hell and is a lesson that you'd rather not learn, I didn't get it until I was in my 40s! Imagine how 'stupid' I feel having given away six very important years in a woman's life to a CON MAN, A PREDATOR, A LIAR AND A MANIPULATOR. While I did not have a pregnancy, I did have a couple of permanent, life altering decisions involved that I will forever be making my peace with. LY, I just want to say a couple more things: Please do not call yourself 'stupid.' God, the Universe, Buddha, Allah, the Goddess, the Spirit, whatever you believe DOES NOT WANT US TO BELITTLE OURSELVES. You may have made some choices you do not like, but that does not make you--a perfect creation of love and light--'bad' 'stupid' or any other thing. Please do not hurt yourself in this way. Second, you are very young and have much ahead of you. Much joy. You have gone through a life-altering DEEP BONDING EXPERIENCE because of your first romantic and sexual encounter. For him it was simply a CONQUEST. How powerful he must have felt getting you, bedding you, having you under his spell. You will stop 'wanting him' when you re-read your own story and realize that you do not want anyone who is a cheater and a liar. When you realize and accept that it is not healthy to "want" involvement with the subject of your intense pain. Be kind to yourself and be patient and strong. You are very strong and you have everything you need to move ahead and find joy, peace, health and fun! Trust that! You have come to the right place here, little one. You will find all the support, help, information, healing and even humor to get you to the other side. I believe you want that very much and with commitment and patience, you will get there and you won't believe the great gifts that await. Little one, tenderheart, I'm sending you good vibes for strength and clarity. It will get better with time and distance. If there is any way you can transfer from that lab, please do. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and I must say I REALLY REALLY DISLIKE this person for what he did to you. Most sincerely, (NOT) spinning. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. THE SICK MF'ER TRIED HARD BUT HE DIDN'T TAKE ME DOWN.


Jun 14 - 9AM
Hunter's picture


Narcs hate to be ignored, Rememebr you are not dealing with normal. They now how and when to push buttons. Its best to be one step ahead. Always be prepared. NEver let him see you sweat. Keep cool, If you need to walk away and scream at the top of your lungs in private. Hunter
Jun 13 - 4PM
Susan32's picture

My story is similar

I was emotionally involved with a professor when I went to college (he was 32 when I first met him, I was 18- by the final D&D, he was 36, I was 22, and I was replaced with his 31 year old girlfriend) It didn't get as far as sex, romance&dating... but he'd do the same things. During the final D&D, I'd be sobbing, publicly, and he'd just stand there, intoning "I am controlling my emotions." Since the professor was more of a psychopath than a narcissist, I'll be referring to him as ex-Psych prof. He'd say things like "I like watching you cry." When my grandfather died, he'd mock me during class.. then spread lies about me. My sophomore year was a combination hoover/honeymoon period. He'd call me a slut if I wore a dress or a skirt, and he'd berate me because I was volunteering instead of having a paying job. Like the teacher you were involved with, he was interested in the $$$- no wonder he D&D'd me for his LDR (long distance relationship) girlfriend who was a curator, and I assume curators make more than professors. I felt profoundly betrayed. I declared my love to the ex-P my senior year... and he moved his seminar from one classroom to another so I'd look like the crazy one, he'd lecture me to the point of tears, say things like "you're embarrassing yourself", and did the smear campaign claiming that I was making sexual advances (it was so groundless his colleagues didn't believe him-and even if I had, he had lost so much credibility over 4 years his colleagues wouldn't have believed him) During the final D&D, a pastor friend of mine died, and he was still harsh on me. He didn't provide any emotional support. 3 months after I declared my love, and right after my pastor friend died, he flaunted his girlfriend (I had ALWAYS asked him if he had someone-I didn't care if his partner were male or female) While I consider myself pro-life, I think NPD can drive people to such desperate acts as abortion. I am not judging you... if the ex-P had impregnated me, I probably would've done the same thing. He was so unfit for fatherhood. I felt a kick in the gut when I found out a year after the final D&D that he had fathered twins with his girlfriend (whom he married subsequently) I spent the final D&D going to a nearby chapel, crying. I'd be crying myself to sleep. The ex-P didn't violate me as a spouse, lover, or in the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship... but he put all the blame on ME, claiming that *I* had violated the teacher/student relationship by telling him how I felt about him. His final words to me were "YOU acted inappropriately!" I'm thankful I never married him. I hope you are finding healing. Stay NC and stay close to your family. May God give you healing.
Jun 14 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
LearningYoungster's picture

Hi Susan32, I'm so sorry you

Hi Susan32, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It must have been so awful for you. I hope you have healed from his cruel treatment of you. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Mine said to me, at the end, that "Well, you knew what you were getting into". Talk about shirking blame. And while I do accept much of the blame for my situation, I think that it is also his fault. I feel manipulated and used, and it does not feel good. Here's to a brighter future, LY
Jun 13 - 1PM
Hunter's picture


My advice is stick with your family, see a thearpist and "Never speak to this man again" This is criminal! No Judgement here, you did what was best for you! You know in your head this manis SCUM! As long as keep going forward, stay NC you will heal! Stay Strong Hunter
Jun 14 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
LearningYoungster's picture

Thanks, Hunter!! No contact

Thanks, Hunter!! No contact ever again. This will be hard because we work in the same lab, but outside of that I want nothing to do with him. I am also seeing a psychologist, who has been very kind and understanding. Any suggestions for how to act when I do run into him in a professional setting? I worry that I might let my fists do the talking (kidding, I hope). Peace and love, Samantha
Jun 13 - 9AM
wacaet's picture

you won't be judged here I'm

you won't be judged here I'm sorry that you had to go through this, and basically all alone. You will find people here completely understand. Your ex sounds like a real N...they are all so similar. What you are experiencing now is cognitive dissonance, where your brain and your heart are trying to make sense of the contrast between his words of love and his destructive actions. It's crazy making (I thought I was bi-polar!!)
Jun 13 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
LearningYoungster's picture

Thank you for the non-judging

Thank you for the non-judging thing. The way I see it is that if I could get through all this by myself, I can get through anything! It's so hard to reconcile his words and actions (I can't!) He just sounded so sincere when he was telling me all of this (I can still see his face and hear his "sincere" voice in my head). I really do think he's an N, but I also think he thinks he's a stand-up guy. He even told me, at the end, that I knew what I was getting into. But I really didn't (stupid!)
Jun 13 - 4AM
adoette's picture


Oh, LT, thank you for having the courage to share your story. It is heartbreaking. I want you to know that you will not be judged here. You might get some passionate advice along the way, but the people here are wise, witty, and supportive. You've come the right place. Learning that he's an N is a huge step in your recovery as well. That said, you have a long hard road ahead of you. Keep reading and hanging out here. Take care of yourself. And, I'm not sure if you've caught wind of this by now, but you must have no contact with him. Block every access he has to you (no FB friendship, block his phone #, everything you can possibly block, do). If you read the stories and posts here, you will see that is super hard to let go. You will see that your experience and feelings are not uncommon when it comes to loving an N. It will take a lot of time. You are in hell and you must keep going. There is light on the other side. (((hugs)))
Jun 13 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
LearningYoungster's picture

Thank you so much. I really

Thank you so much. I really feel like you understand what I'm going through. No contact is definitely the way to go, but it is surprisingly hard! This is the person with whom I would share all of my special experiences... but now he's just gone. I still can't quite wrap my head around it. And then the other day he sent me an email saying that he missed me like crazy and was sorry we can't be together. I just don't understand :(
Jun 13 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Welcome to The Path Forward...this man definately fits the bill. You have found a safe haven, no one here will judge you. We know and understand what this experience is like. You are not alone. These men use various tactics to hook us but they all have an MO attached to the lure. I am very sorry that you have gone through this; however, I believe this can be a one time experience if you do the work. I recommend that you read up on Narcissism and other Personality Disorders as well so that you have a good grasp of the signs. There are estimated to be six million psychopaths running rampant and sixty million victims. The odds are high you will 'encounter' more in the future -but you don't have to be a victim to one. Educate yourself and arm yourself with knowledge, share on the forum, and get it out. This is a painful experience, it is a psychological rape. They manipulate, use and abuse but there is hope and there is healing - you will get past this. Hugs!
Jun 13 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
LearningYoungster's picture

Thank you. I am glad I've

Thank you. I am glad I've found a place to express all this with people who have gone through similar experiences. I will get through this! The light at the end of the tunnel just seems so dim right now.