Learning how to have a sucessful relationship with a PDI

Sadder, Part of the condition we suffer while in this type of relationship is blindness. The brainwashing that takes place prevents us from seeing that the relationship is abusive and unhealthy. We become accustom to our partners needs always being first. Some can with stand this for long periods of time. They become so dependent on this person because they are lead to believe that they are not deserving or will ever find someone as "good" or "special" as this wonderful person they have been convinced they are with. They begin to believe that this type of abusive treatment is normal, healthy and is what true love constitutes. How does he do this? To truly understand this you have to look into the human psyche. Most people that are looking for a partner want to feel like they are getting the best of the best. Cream of the crop. While searching they find a person that displays a high sense of superiority, self esteem, charming, handsome etc.. This is easy to find in a Narc. Most of them can charm the pants off of you within a few minutes. They are good talkers, tell you what you want to hear to suck you into the trap. Once your in, the brainwashing commences. The balance of the scales begin to tip. In time they begin to make you feel less than worthy and that you should be grateful to have found such a great catch in them. So you try harder to keep up with the facade. You believe this person is something that he is not. He begins to hold celebrity status in your mind. You believe your lucky to have found someone so special and begin to do everything you can to keep them in your life. In reality, no human holds this type of status. As the abuse escalates you begin to see that something is not right with the picture....but, by this point your self esteem is little to none and you begin to believe that this is still the best partner you will ever be capable of finding. So you stay. You believe that one day they will see your loyalty and begin to treat you with the respect you know deep down you deserve. That day never comes, but you wait, holding on to false hopes and dreams of better days. Praying for the few moments in a day that he may decide to throw you a scrap or two of respect, love or attention. Your emotionally weak and frail. You put a good front on but inside your miserable. Yet, you hold on for that one day that all will be good forever. The day never arrives unfortunately. I grant access to all members here on our forum. I read the stories they send in with their request. I see a lot of long term relationship that come to us because finally after exhausting themselves after years of living with an abuser they have a ahha moment and wake up to the realization that it is not ever going to change. In life with an abuser time slips by so fast. It is constant turmoil and living in a turbulent state over a period of time you begin to loose track of the days, months, years. It blows by you while you are busy trying to figure out how to fix the situation and make it good. You become fixated on pleasing them to keep them in your life. The abuser makes sure to keep you in your place of inferiority so you try harder to please them. This allows them to push the envelope with their behaviors. As time passes you let your boundaries slip to the way side. You have little to no time to waste on thinking about your needs and wants. All you want to do is please them so you can have a few scraps thrown your way and a maybe a few moments of feeling like you are loved. This is not love. This is abuse. Emotionally battered women often say that they didnt realize this is not normal until they were at the very end of the relationship. And yes this can be years later. They mistake the abusers behavior as an act of love rather than what it truly is "abuse". So the woman you see standing in front of you is one that has endured this for a long time. She is blind. You can not ever wake her up to see her reality. This only comes when a person is ready. Everyone must have their own Ahha moment. It can not be forced upon you. Giving information to someone in this type of relationship is a waste of time. If she is not ready, the message will not be delivered. I had countless situations that happened to me where I should have walked out for good. I stayed. I didnt leave him over the prostitutes i caught him with. I didnt leave him over the 15 year old girl he had sex with. I didnt leave him because he verbally abused me, degraded me, violated me. I left him over one small comment that he made to me the night of my 44th birthday while sitting at dinner. The comment was so minor and had nothing to do with his abusive acts. I dont ever remember what it was to tell the truth, could have been the weather. But, I had my Ahha moment. It finally hit me that this was all I would every get from him and the relationship. I realized that life had to be better on the outside because it could not get any worse than what i had been through on the inside. Everyone reaches this point when their ready and able to see the light. Some go on for years, other get it right away. The vision of what you are seeing on the outside of this woman is false. We learn to wear masks just as the narc does. We are conditioned and trained to do so. She has had a lot of years of training and she has been conditioned well by this man. She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't care to find out today. She is far to busy trying to "fix" and keep it together. One day though, this will change. Unless the end results in death she will find her Ahha moment. The best we can do for all of those still in the darkness is to pray for their return. xo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

The human psyche again at work. We all want what we think we cant have. A challenge. To peruse is part of the game. It keeps you sucked in. You have to remember helldweller, at this point in the relationship he had you figured out. He knows if he sits quiet you will eventually act out. He has studied you over a length of time. You were his science project honey. He knows when to act out and when to refrain. He knows what to say, when and how to say it in order to get the reaction he desires from you. They are very good at what they do. You will never win this war with the emotionally manipulator. It is impossible. Remember he is the scientist and you are the lab rat. Your job is to run around in a maze of circles to avoid pain. His job is to direct you to the appropriate response or stimuli he is wanting to get the results he is attempting to achieve. Today you have a choice. You choose to avoid what you know will cause you pain. You understand the equation now. Narc X Helldweller = PAIN. Those days of being the lab rat are over now. You escaped and this gives good reason to celebrate. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dont discredit this relationship based on the fact it was an online affair honey. Most will tell you that although the physical component was alluring to us, it was the emotional component that drove us deep into the trenches with the narc. This emotional relationship can exist in any context. Regardless if it is via computer, phone, long distance or in person. Once your sucked in the emotional trap your hooked. I am very glad your going to therapy. You need to continue going and you may not see your progress immediately so you must be patient. If you find over time that she does not understand the concept of what you are going through in dealing with a personality disorders person, you may need to seek out someone that has more experience in this field. Not all therapists understand the disorder, nor the aftermath of what the victim has gone through. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)